


Tell me, have you ever wanted someone so much it hurts

by MeOnly



Category: SKAM (France), SKAM (France) RPF
Genre: An hourglass emoji, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Axel is hunting down the homophobes, Angst, Axel and Maxence need to talk, Axel is ANGRY, Axel is in DEEP but doesn't realize it yet!, Axel is panicking, Axel is terribly painfully jealous, Axel knows nothing will ever be the same, Axel loves him, Axel tiptoes around every important subject, Axel wants to feel all of it, Axel's helmet clanks to the wooden floor, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting to Know Each Other, He knows he's way in over his head, He wants nothing to do with it any longer, Heading for the breaking point, Here comes the sun, I Love You, I just want to hold you a little while longer, It all goes silent, It feels like love, It felt so good to say it out loud, It’s hiding in plain sight, Kissing, Let's hug them all!, Let’s give them what they want, Love, M/M, Oh oh sweet sweet denial, Only them, Oral Sex, Pining, Please baby let me take care of you, Re-use of social media content, Real People Fic, Romance, Sex, Shooting of the scenes of Skam France season 3, Slow Burn, Smut, The fan mail is piling up, The first two episodes of Skam France season 3 have been aired, The mood has shifted, The next thing Axel can hear is the sound of them kissing, The shootings are over, Things are getting out of hand, Together with Maxence, What does this even mean?, i want you, maxel, rp fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-02-27 20:30:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 64
Words: 56,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18746566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeOnly/pseuds/MeOnly
Summary: Now in the 3RD PLACE of all fics in the Skam France fandom, looking at hits!!__What happens when two actors gets affected by a true connection - when reality mixes with fiction?This is the story of Axel and Maxence, about how they met and about the development of their beautiful connection both on screen as Lucas and Eliott and off screen as friends.In my universe they won't be able to keep their hands off each other, but more important than that is the story of finding yourself and through that true love.You will recognize fun facts about Skam France season 3 from the cast’s interviews, Instagram updates, Twitter, Skam France projections and the convention!Thank you always to my wonderful, patient, very funny proof reader Teresa!!Come find me on Tumblr, I'm "justmeinfact".Watch the episodes of Skam France season 3:https://sites.google.com/view/skamsubs/skam-franceWatch the trailer for Skam France season 3:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luh-ry5K_Vk&feature=youtu.be





	1. Chapter 1

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

There are defining moments in every person's life, that changes its course.

Going through our daily lives, getting out of bed, going to work, meeting our friends, most of the time it all seems like another regular day, but hidden in plain sight there are events, big or small, that when looking back at it, mattered.

For Axel, it was the drums that started it all.

Axel had been a part of the children's theater company in Paris since the age of 12. After one particular play, being very musical since the age of four, he decided he wanted to be a drummer.

Still being in high school, studying Molière in French class, he suddenly understood how you can channel your own emotions through the words of other people. He knew then that besides the drumming he wanted to act.

As it so happened, in the build up to his baccalaureate, he and his bandmates were stopped in the street by a casting agent on the lookout for young musicians and actors for an upcoming film. Fitting the description of the character - a drummer with a lot of hair, he was cast.

After that, for the highly talented Axel, things went fast.

Shortly after graduating high school he took a course at the French drama school Cours Florent before taking a role in a children's Christmas play for two years. This was an amazing experience for Axel and served as a craftsman's learning tool since children are the most honest audience - if it’s not funny, they don't laugh.

After securing an agent and appearing in commercials as Balenciaga, in 2017 Axel was cast in 'Une Vie sur mesure', a one-man play about an autistic drummer. A play that Axel would come to tour internationally with for the three upcoming years.

___

When looking back at it, considering all these experiences leading up to it, it was the call with the news that he got the part in Skam France that served as a defining moment in Axel’s life.

The series, following a group of teenagers through love and pain was considered groundbreaking in Norway and was now being sold to countries around the world. His role had received massive recognition in the original series, enough to cancel it after 4 seasons, because the young actor was being followed by fans in the streets.

The hit web series centered on a group of high schoolers, with each season focused on one specific character and each episode shared online with accompanying Instagram posts of the characters’ personal feeds, serving as a study of contemporary teenage life.

Lucas, was Axel’s character's name, a blue eyed teenager who tended to talk loud and make jokes to hide his soft heart. Coming from a messed up background, Lucas was frightened, afraid to never be enough to be loved.

Lucas would find himself and his place in the world in season three. Axel instantly loved Lucas and the story he would be able to tell through him, a story centered around the teenage years - growing up and discovering who you are and who you’d like to become.

Axel himself knows the importance of being allowed to develop in safe surroundings during the teenage years. Having been the kid who wanted nothing but to act, he spent his high school years feeling different from the others.

Knowing what it feels like to feel so sick to your stomach that he sometimes threw up before going to school, being made fun of because of his acting or being gay (even though he was not), Axel wanted to do Lucas justice.

Axel had long ago decided, everyone should be allowed to be who they are and no one should be considered less because of who they love.


	2. Chapter 2

It is the eyes that he notices first, looking at the picture of the actor who could be his main opponent for the third season of the show.

Axel has never seen such vibrant eyes, blue, filled with emotions. They shoot out from the photograph, almost giving Axel the feeling they are watching him.

"I believe this could be the one. We had so many great candidates at the casting, but when this guy came along...it was just instant." David is shaking his head, almost in disbelief.

"What do you think?"

Axel instantly feels like he lost all his confidence.

“You are the director…” he answers evasively.

"What? No?" David persists, frowning so much his black eyebrows nearly touch.

“This guy is seriously intense”... is all Axel manages to say. 

David's dark eyes are looking at Axel as if he is waiting for him to keep talking.

Axel swallows. “...well, will anyone believe a guy like that could be interested in someone like me?”

David's expression shifts and breaks into a small smile. Axel can see a sudden glitter in his eyes, like he knows something Axel does not.

“Little one, he is going to love you”.


	3. Chapter 3

Axel leans a little bit to his right and follows the ink heart drawn on the wooden seat with his index finger. The room they are sitting in has pretty much been their home the last month while rehearsing. It's nothing much, a classroom type of room. White walls, stained floors. Full of tables and chairs. Some industrial type of lamp is hanging from the ceiling. Axel can see that it's filled with dead flies.

It has been another exhaustingly wonderful and equally nerve-racking day at work. Today is the last day before the shootings.

“Eliott...I’m Eliott”.

Maxence is sitting in a chair next to Axel, with his legs so wide apart that they are touching Axel’s left thigh. Axel can feel the brush against his leg from the fabric on Maxence' thigh and suddenly he shivers.

Maxence’ mouth is obviously moving but what he hears is a blur.

Axel twitches.

“I'm really sorry, I think I need a break” he exhales.  _I need to breathe._

____  
_

Axel is standing on the damp grass outside the white building. The sun is slowly setting, it will be dark soon.

 _I can do this,_ he is thinking, standing there in the shadows, close to hiding. _In...and out..._ As he can feel his own cramped muscles just slightly relaxing he sees Maxence who jerks the door open, almost sprinting outside. He has this way of almost bouncing forward. _So annoying._

“Hey, is everything okay?”.

Maxence kind of invades Axel's space, coming so close Axel feels the need to take a step back. The cigarette is dangling un-lit in Maxence' mouth, at the same time as he is talking. _And the constant smoking!_

“I’m okay. Just tired. Rehearsing around the clock for one month is just a lot, you would know that of course. But exciting to start the shooting tomorrow, yeah?”.

Axel quickly changes the subject and tries to look like this is just all normal, him standing here trying to breathe.

For a moment Maxence looks like he wants to say something.

"I woke up this morning and couldn’t remember if I was Maxence or Eliott”. His gaze at Axel is lingering, hard to read. His eyes are very blue.

_What is that suppose to mean._

“Crazy! Let’s go back inside and wrap this thing up” Axel says quickly with a fast beat in his voice, already walking towards the heavy door.

“For sure. It starts tomorrow. We must get some sleep”, Maxence responds looking down and stuffing his half-smoked cigarette back in the package.


	4. Chapter 4

But let's back up a bit - one month to be exact. 

___

Getting drunk together the first time Axel and Maxence met turned out to be a great idea.

At first glance Maxence was stunning (crutches and broken foot and all). This was the absolute first and extremely fast thought that went through Axel’s mind when he met him outside the bar, this Saturday evening.

_Stunning._

Axel was not one to check out guys, so his own thought somehow took him by surprise. 

These cheekbones though, and those piercing extremely blue eyes that he already noticed in the picture that David showed him a few months back, was gut-wrenchingly beautiful. Maxence is a fairly tall guy, slim but muscular in a natural way, cool looking because, or maybe despite of a little hunchback. His medium brown hair was cut in in a soft but spiky and completely outrageous hairdo. No one could walk passed him on the street without noticing his presence. The ripped blue jeans, plain black t-shirt and black leather jacket made him look like the model Axel already knew he was.

___

“Have you ever kissed a guy before?”.

Axel actually just dared to ask that. Of course he was curious. Axel knew this was a highly private matter, but after that alcohol intake (more than a few beers and also some strange looking and even stranger tasting pink drink with a colorful parasol that Maxence for some reason ordered to the table) and considering this was not the start of a conversation about kissing, it seemed like a reasonable enough question.

___

Their conversation was easy from the very start. Easy going, easy flowing.

Music, as something they both need like the air they breathe, making it and listening to it. Guitar and drums, but also some piano. Eclectic taste, you could call it. Electronic, mostly, especially if Maxence got to choose, the Brooklyn based band Ratat especially. And the Strokes, that they could agree upon was true quality of music.

Acting, as an expression, but also as a career. Making a living, daring to go for it knowing there is a big chance one might fail. The constant torture of people reminding you of that fact. Maxence told Axel about years of not knowing what he wanted to do, feeling lost. How he woke up one morning, suddenly knowing his path. How painting some fence white outside the Actors Factory's club house made him want to act, more than anything else he had ever wanted in his life. Axel told him about how acting was a calling for him, that he never wanted anything else. That he needed it to live. How it affected him as a boy to be someone others were not.

Sketching, especially black ink drawings, is something Maxence experienced as a part of the artists soul. Even though he wasn’t sure he was allowed to call himself an artist. Pens and papers are not for Axel, but he knew what Maxence meant, he could feel it in his bones when he talked, the need and the forcing urge for the expression of who you are.

They had talked their way into a comfortable silence. Axel wondered if that had happened this quickly with anyone else before. They sat there, calm, leaning back in these big brown leather chairs. Axel moved his right foot and put it on his left leg. He noticed that Maxence made the same adjustment when he gazed over his shoulder out the big window of the bar.

It was late and it had become dark outside. Axel could barely see his old mountainbike leaning on the pole of the street outside. Still, the September nights were warm enough, so riding home on that thing would be a better option than catching the bus.

Anyone stepping through the door to the bar would be met by dimmed surroundings and people sitting close, almost whispering. The music was exactly right, soft and just enough to set the mood, not high enough to disturb a conversation. Small candles were flickering on round tables made by something that looked like copper. _Must be difficult to keep clean_ , went through Axel’s head, before looking up again to meet Maxence' gaze.

___

“You are my first” he says, almost with a smirk. “You will be my first”. The smile is still there.

Axel feels a sudden clench in his stomach. _It is nerves_ , he thinks. He smiles softly, happy that he asked.

For some undefined reason the simple question lessens the feeling of lack of control. A leading role is stressful of course, anyone knows that. A leading gay role is stepping out in the Atlantic ocean without having the knowledge about how to swim.

“Well, you will be my first too”.

Axel looks out the window again, to avoid Maxence' piercing eyes.

It was the alcohol that gave him the guts to ask, of course. But also a sense of a rapidly growing connection between the two. It felt safe, allowed even.

“How do you feel about it?”.

Axel turns his head at Maxence, not really succeeding in looking him straight in the eyes, more or less glancing at the couple sitting slightly beside them. It is a man and a woman, and it seems like they are in love, holding hands over the table.

“I believe it is important that we do this. It’s needed.”

Maxence suddenly looks serious, the smile is gone.

 _I like him,_ Axel thinks.


	5. Chapter 5

“For the next two months I need you to be in love. I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or if you're dating someone.”

Niels is standing in front of them, almost crooked bending towards them to be able to stare them down with his brown eyes, looking so serious Axel gets this fleeting feeling that this is life or death. What Niels wants to say certainly gets through. In the corner of his eye he can see Maxence who is sitting next to him on one of those wooden chairs lifting his head up slightly, eyes big and bright.

He can almost hear Maxence’ gulp. Or maybe it was his own.

Axel and Maxence met outside the property of the white building rented by the production team for the rehearsals. Axel stood there next to the old stone wall by the entrance, waiting, shifting his feet from one to the other. He felt like he had been ordered to go to the principal's office, knowing he had done something stupid. Watching Maxence walking towards him on the pavement, lips thin and shoulders high, he figured he at least was not alone in this.

It’s not that they were waiting to get bashed out or that they hadn’t figured this out already. Both Axel and Maxence had read the script of season 3 and they loved it. So much that they cried, laughed out loud and repeated reading it over and over again and never stopped.

The thing is that Niels is invited to this very first read-through and firstly, they want nothing else than making his mind-blowingly beautiful written script justice and secondly, somehow the content of it suddenly becomes a reality sitting there listening to what the words on the paper actually means.

And for Niels, this means everything.

He tells them of himself as a teenager, how he craved some kind of representation, a content where he could find comfort, some hope and validation about being normal. How he is sure he is not alone in this and how he wants them all to know that they matter. That even if it is not going to be easy, it will still be worth it.

After these words Axel can feel how the hair on his neck stands up and a shiver goes down his spine. He knows that this is the start of a huge change in his life and that it will be something to remember for the rest of it. And that maybe he will have the chance to bring something truly good to the world and to the people in it.

Axel wants to fight for it.


	6. Chapter 6

The cup of coffee in Axel's hand is slowly turning cold. He clenches the soggy white paper mug slightly and lifts it to his mouth. It tastes bitter. One month of rehearsals with this kind of coffee could make anyone's stomach sour.

They have read through their lines more than once. Axel knows them by heart, he could recite them in the middle of the night if he would be woken up to do so. Actually, he almost expects David to make this a reality, so better come prepared.

Maxence is, a bit surprisingly, just as eager about this whole thing as Axel. He might seem somewhat insecure, but he had quickly convinced Axel of how serious he was about this by wanting to read through the lines over and over again and suggesting they should share notes by email. Two days into the rehearsals they are already working around the clock.

The only drawback Axel has been able to see so far is Maxence’ constant need of a break to go outside and smoke. They need the breaks of course, reading the lines more times than their heads allow leads only to fits of laughs or even worse, embarassment. Axel is quite concerned for Maxence’ lungs though, _must be a couple of black ones,_ he thinks.

The real concern Axel has is that when reading the lines they fall flat between them.

___

“Have you ever fallen in love” David asks, eyes flittering between Maxence and Axel.

“Uh-huh - ” Maxence responds, scratching himself in the forehead. “Yes, I did, several times actually”.

“Axel?” David repeats, eyes widening like he wants an answer.

“Well, yeah...yes, with my girlfriend. Absolutely” Axel answers a bit unsure of where this is going.

“How did it make you feel?” David lowers his cheek, raising his dark brown eyebrows.

“Eh...w…warm” Maxence stutters, looking confused.

“There you have it - ” David says, like it’s obvious. “Dig yourself into it. Use each other, feel it, and the lines will come out completely different. Don’t act it - live it.”

Axel feels like he has an epiphany.

_Of course._


	7. Chapter 7

Maxence’ small black square of a coffee table is filled to the brim with yellow post-its, drafts from notebooks and a ridiculous amount of pens. Digging yourself into the spectrum of true love called for a different location than the house the production had rented for the rehearsals. Maxence' bachelor home, an apartment on the seventh floor, felt safer.

Maxence casually leans back into the not so big sofa in the equally small but central apartment. They just moved from the plain kitchen where they where drinking better coffee than they've had for days. Maxence is dressed in blue jeans and a white t-shirt today and somehow his hair looks even wilder than the day before.

Axel has never seen hair like his.

“So -”, he says, biting on the tip of one of those wooden pencils. “When did you know you had fallen in love?”.

Axel, sitting at the other end of the sofa, with one of his legs slumped up next to the backrest to better see Maxence, thinks about it.

“I don’t know if it starts there,” he says.

“What do you mean?” Maxence asks and drops the hand holding the pen to his side.

“The interest comes first, doesn’t it? You meet somewhere and suddenly you see only that person. You don’t know anything about her but she just stands out in all of the blur, no matter how many other people are there. It can be something she says or the way she looks. Something she projects maybe. It’s like a clench in the stomach.”

“And what happens?”

“You lock eyes. In the best of worlds she looks back. So you hold your gaze.”

“Why?”

“Because you can’t look away. You want more. Know more, be more. It’s like a sudden thirst.” Axel is looking straight at Maxence now.

Maxence lifts his chin up a little bit and then lowers it slightly, at the same time as he slowly blinks once, then widening his eyes. His pink lips opens just a little bit. Their eyes lock.

Axel can feel his heart thump.

 _Holy shit,_ is all he can think.

“Did I get it?”, Maxence asks after a moment, with a small smile.

“You did”.

___

“Where are my fucking cigarettes?”. Maxence dives into the pile of stuff on the table, messing about which means most of the papers end up on the floor and turns up again, hair like a wildfire, with a package of smokes and a lighter. “Found them!”.


	8. Chapter 8

The rehearsals quickly turn into a lesson in how to get to know each other the best way. Axel and Maxence realizes they need to find the depth in themselves and in each other for the story to transcend to the screen.

It's a strange thing, planning to kiss and to fall in love. In other circumstances things occur naturally -  you meet, you talk, you kiss and you fall in love. For the screen, Axel and Maxence must be comfortable with each other at every scene from the first day of the shootings, no matter what the script asks of them. Kissing for the first time needs to project the wanting, the nerves and the passion in the newness, no matter how they feel about each other and no matter how they feel about kissing. The connection in acting is fundamental and a true condition, even though your opponent is a real drag or has a runny nose.

 _Even though he smells like cigarettes_ , Axel thinks to himself.

Axel doesn’t mind spending time with his opponent. He can feel his interest for Maxence awakening each day that goes by.

 _Maxence is more than pretty_ , Axel thinks, sitting one evening in the comfort of his own king size bed, after a long day of rehearsals, going through the events in his mind. 

Maxence is intelligent, humble and kind and he has good values, which is important to Axel. In many ways they both come from a similar background. Born in France to French parents who stayed together for many years, bringing up their children to be free and proud but hard working, they implemented values that stick for a lifetime.

Maxence knows he has had a comfortable upbringing, not like in wealth or Gucci toys, but enough and safe. Years in his teens not knowing what to make out of himself gave him a growing sense of bad consciousness. Studying law for a semester, then psychology, working at a bank (that was shitty) gave him nothing except the realization that this was not for him. Being approached in the street by Elite Paris model management and pretty much signed on the spot was a treat of course. Making a few bucks of modeling was also nice. However Maxence wanted to do something that mattered to him but also to someone else. He wanted to give back to the world.

And looks do fade.

When Maxence speaks people want to listen, and not only because of his appearance (which is magnetic - Axel has never met a guy before that draws attention like Maxence, he just looks at a girl and she comes straight to him). And when people talk to him, he makes them feel like they are the only ones in the world (this makes Axel a bit jealous, but hey...).

When it all comes down to it, what makes Maxence so appealing is that he truly cares about the people around him.

And somehow this is visible in every fascial expression Maxence ever makes. In the blue eyes of Maxence there are oceans of compassion, love and understanding. He wants us all to be seen and heard and felt. And there is also something, not quite as easy to define, but that makes you feel like he knows that life is not always easy and that we all need comfort.

And as Maxence turns his beautiful eyes towards Axel’s, Axel feels like Maxence can see who he truly is, behind the jokes and the laughs.

And when Maxence asks him about his boundaries for the shooting, Axel knows that Maxence genuinely has an interest in his response, that he values it and that his answer is safe with him.

“The only thing I don’t want is that this...connection that we have, doesn’t transcend into the screen. I guess I want you to...Axel swallows before he keeps going - touch me like you love me, like you want nothing else...and I want to see it in your eyes.”

Maxence pauses in his movement and blinks a little.

“I can do that”, he says quietly.

“How do you want me to kiss you?”

“Like you mean it. Add some tongue to it.” Axel searches for Maxence’ eyes. They are both serious now.

“So no boundaries?”

“No boundaries”.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s not that the “no boundaries” thing doesn’t scare him. Actually it scares the hell out of Axel. He feels so scared he can hardly think about anything else.

On a sunny afternoon he finds himself pacing in his own living room. He looks down at his feet to the old parquet floorings and Ouba, the little Pomeranian who follows his movements back and forth with her small piercing black eyes.

 _Even she is wondering what the fuck I’m doing_ , Axel rolls his eyes at himself and gives it a halt.

“Woof” Ouba barks.

 _"Putain!"_ Axel says out loud.

___

“It...we...I guess...hmpf...I feel like I'm just about to open a door to my fucking soul and I don’t know what’s in there and if I’ll like it and also, it’s like fucking embarrassing to show yourself all fucking naked.”

Axel is rambling now, closing his eyes as he can feel the heat rising from his chin.

“You're cursing more than I am” Maxence says, smiling softly sitting next to him in the grass of the big park.

“I fucking know” Axel responds forcefully with a high pitched sound and with just an inch of a smile.

Maxence gives him a moment to collect himself, looking at the other side of the park, like he can see something interesting among the runners and the families sitting in the grass and on the benches. Axel knows that is what he does.

 _He is so fucking kind,_ Axel thinks.

“So why do it then?” Maxence asks, voice soft and eyes turning to Axel’s again.

“Because it’s so important...I want them to laugh with Lucas, to cry with him. The love scenes are just a part of life, of love. I want to do this right...-" Axel says and continues.

"It’s not like I’m changing my mind, I want to go for the no boundaries thing. I’m just scared of what it might bring, you know. I have kissed on screen before, but this...it’s a love story. If we don’t give this project what it needs it will fall flat. If we give it our all and we succeed we will be spokespersons for a cause that is not...ours. And either way we’re going to have to see our naked asses on YouTube. They will be there for fucking forever.”

Maxence huffs a little, the skin by his eyes wrinkling because of the sudden laughter.

“That’s true. But you know what? You are focusing on the fear now. And I feel you, I am right there with you. But there are so many great things about this. We will have the opportunity to experience something we never would have if it wasn’t for this. And for a great cause. I believe in this as much as you do.”

Maxence' eyes projects so much comfort that Axel's head is kind of spinning.

“We do this together, side by side. I trust you, actually I know you can do this. There is no part of me that doesn't believe that. And no boundaries doesn’t mean you can’t say no or stop. I will take care of you, you know.”

“I am the one with the acting experience, actually” Axel says with a grin that shows his teeth to make this whole thing a little easier to bear.

“But I’m the one with the brains”, Maxence responds completely without hesitation.

“Hmpf - ”, Axels scoffs, but decides to let the remark pass. His heart just feels too warm to handle any more jokes.

“It’s getting chilly, what about ending this therapy session and go home?”

“Let’s do that”, Maxence replies and gets up from the grass, holding one hand out to pull Axel up. They end up standing close exactly opposite to each other.

“David would have liked the outcome of this session.” Axel says quietly, almost to himself.

“You talked to David about this?” Maxence asks as it seems like he heard the reflection.

“I did that.”

“What did he have to say?”

“He told me to talk to the other naked person.”

“And was it a good suggestion?”

“It was. Thank you.”

“No, Axel, thank you. For talking to me.”

Maxence takes one step forward and puts his hand on Axel’s heart. Axel can feel the sudden warmth of his hand through three layers of clothes.

 _Like we’re connected by the hearts,_ Axel has time to think before Maxence drops his hand to his side.

___

Walking away from the park on the gravel, meeting other Parisians jogging with headphones in their ears in the crisp evening air, Axel can still feel the touch on his chest burning.


	10. Chapter 10

Lying under the sheets in his bed in his boxers not being able to sleep after another hectic day of rehearsals at the rented house, Axel tries to visualize what it will be like, what it will feel like, touching Eliott.

Or Maxence, depending on your perspective.

For his own imagination Axel pulls his burgundy cover down to his waist and closes his eyes.

___

Mae, Axel’s girlfriend, is a sweet girl. Meeting at a lavish party one late evening about a year earlier, Axel’s eyes fell straight to her. And she locked her eyes to his.

In a way she resembles earlier girlfriends that Axel has had, the cute and perky nose and her long light brown hair makes her look kind. And Axel is attracted to kind.

This girl is young, almost a teenager and a couple of years younger than Axel and that’s okay. Axel finds it quite reassuring that she still spends a lot of time at her parent’s house and he is fine with the fact that they are together only a couple of nights a week.

Axel is in no rush to get anywhere.

He likes her though, loves her probably. Mae is intelligent and supportive of his career and she comes from a nice loving family, which he feels he is a part of.

Axel has every intention of staying.

___

Lying in his bed with his eyes shut, Axel's thoughts wander to Mae. Her thin firm body, slim arms, small but beautiful breasts, cute belly button that he likes to kiss until she squirms and the soft skin that he can feel under his palms.

Axel knows what it feels like to softly pull his hand through her long hair or to gently squeeze her breasts at the same time as he kisses her wet pink mouth, soft and caring or panting and needy.

Her sounds are familiar to him, her breath in his ear and the quiet hushed gasps leaving her mouth when her body shakes as he makes her come.

And when he pulls her in by the small waist, it makes him feel powerful.

___

Axel himself is cute with his big blue eyes, white teeth and fluffy hair, this is also something he knows about himself, even though he (a bit spoiled) wishes he would look like more of a traditional man of a man.

At the age of 20 Axel still can't grow a beard, and _that_ , he thinks must be God’s joke on him.

As when he was a child, he is still short and thin and he has small hands for being a man, but he has beautiful skin, almost as soft as a girl, and under the thin flesh his body is ripped with strong muscles.

Axel is a naturally dynamic and athletic guy who did gymnastics as a child (he kills the cart-wheels and loves to show it off), hitting the gym to pull some weights (especially lately since he's supposed to show his butt on You Tube) and playing golf every time he has an opportunity, are things he loves.

And all the exercise has given him a great sense of body control, which is a true advantage in acting.

___

The chilly autumn air has filtered into Axel’s quite large and neatly furnished bedroom and not long after pulling the cover to his waist his chest gets cold and his nipples instantly react.

Axel momentarily opens his eyes and looks up to see the old white stucco at the top of the high bedroom walls.

Carefully putting his hand on his own smooth and hairless chest, pretending there is someone else under his touch, he closes his eyes again and slides his hand to one of his hard nipples, twisting it carefully between his thumb and index finger.

He can feel his whole body’s immediate and accelerating reaction as a result of the caress, breathing getting faster and deeper.

Slowly slipping his palm over the inflexible ribs down the soft midsection of his stomach to his navel, he follows the string of rough hair with gentle fingers down to where his boxers begin.

Sliding just the tip of his pinky and ring finger under the stretching fabric rim of his boxers, Axel knows, that to touch a man will be something else entirely.

___

Axel ends up in the shower in his bathroom, jerking himself off with one stern hand, holding the other against the slippery white tile, gasping for air, neck bent downwards while the hot water washes over his back.

Behind his half-closed eyelids he is thinking about Eliott and about how his hard body will feel against his own.


	11. Chapter 11

Despite our differences we all need human connection.

In Axel’s acting classes they’ve talked about this - the need that includes us all, not only for skin to skin but also for a feeling of belonging, being safe and understood. We crave it to be able to fully live, and loneliness is one of the hardest things for a human being to carry.

For the story of season 3 to become real, Axel and Maxence must connect, not only as actors, but as the young men they are. They are intelligent, bright even, and understand that this will take some work.

The building blocks for true human connection are difficult to pinpoint. Talking about it, they figure that at least it starts with knowing a thing or two about each other, and that maybe from there you find out if you are lucky enough to be able to relate, through similar values and a sense of fellowship.

To put it into simpler words, between the daily rehearsals at the white house behind the stone wall and the constant sending, discussing and re-sending of changes in the script through email at evenings (and nights) - they spend an awful lot of time together.

___

Paris is a metropolis and there is no time to do it all, but they kind of try.

Axel and Maxence work their way through a dessert table of carefully chosen leisure activities, such as a football match (neither of them are truly interested), some bar-hopping (that was fun!), listening to music at the library (Axel notices that Maxence’ music taste isn’t only electronic, he is the most hipster rock music lover of all times and actually also listens to Jazz), playing pool (at some dark smoke filled place that seriously needs a bit of renovation) and playing tourists at the top of the Eiffel Tower and they finally end up…

...at Maxence’ parent's house.

It seems like Maxence hasn’t been able to shut up about Axel since they’ve met and Maxence’ mom is now dying to meet this astounding (Maxence’ choice of words) young actor that Maxence is supposed to co-act with.

Maxence’ mom, a good looking blonde middle aged woman, is equally proud of her now-being-an-actor son and can’t shut up about him either.

This calls for Axel finding himself with another cup of coffee in his hand and a piece of coconut cake already in his stomach, sitting in the living room on the big and comfy sofa next to the maybe not too expensive, but certainly beautiful paintings on the wall.

On a much bigger and cleaner coffee table than Axel found in Maxence’ small one bedroom apartment, lies a thick and very full baby blue photo album.

On the inside, Axel is laughing hysterically because Maxence’ face keeps getting redder and redder for each page they turn.

When Maxence’ mom beamingly flips the album over and shows him an enlarged photo of little Maxence sitting in the tub, covered in poop and she says “oooh, here darling Maxou had an accident” Axel quickly excuses himself…

...goes into their big expensive fully tiled bathroom, flushes the toilet, and laughs until the sound of the water circling down the bowl no longer muffles his noises.

___

Exiting the front door of Maxence’ parent's big villa, Axel casually looks back at Maxence and says “come on, darling Maxou”.

At that, Maxence' face goes all red again.

___

__

___

Sitting next to a tree on the scuffed benches in the park on beautiful autumn days, talking about what happens when you fall in love, is interesting to Axel. Being an extrovert, always talking, rarely reflecting, he has never truly thought about what it feels like. Maxence, on the other hand having an indubitable analytical mind, has the ability to paint the picture for Axel.

After feeding the ducks in the pond (another planned joint activity - they must be going nuts), Maxence starts talking.

“For me it’s about the touch” Maxence says, sitting next to Axel on the bench, squinting towards the afternoon sun while the birds search for seeds by their feet.

“It’s like -” he continues, “my heart is in my hands. If I like someone I want to feel them in my palms. When I love someone I never want to let go. I have this constant urge for physical touch, to stroke and rub and hug. I can feel my body’s quiet hums turn into a roar of need...and then I want to taste.”

Axel quietly wonders to himself if he has ever truly felt the same.


	12. Chapter 12

As for every relationship out there, truly getting to know each other, is not easy.

It starts abruptly with a small scaly python named Brian suddenly crawling around his neck.

For some obscure reason Maxence, when spending another evening together on his sofa watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, finds it a good idea to open the terrarium where Brian goes by with his daily life, take him out and pretty much throw him at a totally oblivious Axel.

You could say Axel does not like snakes and that would not be an exaggeration.

So when Axel shoots off the sofa like a NASA space rocket going to the moon (to beat the Russians at the task), yelling profanities as a madman, it’s just a matter of good luck that Maxence gets a hold of Brian’s waggling tail to save him from a sure death.

“What the freaking fuck!!! - ” Axel shouts, probably higher than he has ever done before (and this after some cursing too wild to reproduce). “Whyyyyy would you even do that?!!”.

Axel is already in the tiny hallway by now, coming down from the fear, almost sobbing instead.

Bending down with ridiculously shaky hands to reach for his white sneakers, he can see Maxence in the corner of one eye.

And Maxence looks completely crushed.

Maxence, still with the Goddamn snake in one hand, is bursting across the small apartment, steps so big and legs so long it only takes him a couple of seconds to get to the hallway.

His face is crumpled with regret and his big kind eyes are brimming with tears as he waves ferociously with both his hands (Brian must be completely dizzy by now) and cries out:

“I’m so sorry Axel, please forgive me, I...I didn’t know...i never wanted to hurt you!!”

Axel, who can see the purity of Maxence’ regret in his face, dives into his warm chest, face first, shaking, arms wrapping tightly around his waist.

Maxence instantly pulls Axel hard against himself by slamming his left arm around his shoulder at the same time as he is holding the arm attached to Brian as far away from Axel as he humanly can.

___

Finally, when they both have gotten back somewhat of their sanity, Axel laces his shoes, picks up his black helmet and goes down the staircase leading from Maxence’s apartment, to start his scooter and drive home.

He can’t help feeling a lingering sense of irritation.

Obviously they have spent too much time together. Or maybe this is what you call the end of the ideal honeymoon phase, where all you do is enjoy each other.

Something must have happened, because suddenly Axel notices all the imperfections of Maxence.

 _Such a goofball,_ Axel thinks to himself, trying to comprehend why Maxence tends to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time while rehearsing at the white house.

One minute Maxence is there hopping and skipping, pretty much bouncing, talking to all the actors, the camera men and helping staff, waving his long arms and stumbling with his sprawling legs, curiously asking about the cameras, the lighting, the script or whatever goes on at the set the production is building this close to shooting.

The next minute he is gone, only to be found if you can locate his secret hiding places for smoking, and Maxence seems constantly to be finding new bushes for that activity.

Somehow they just seem to have gotten out of sync.

While rehearsing their lines, something that has progressed from just sitting down opposite to each other saying them out loud, to actually acting them out with all the spectrum of movements and emotions, Axel wants, no he needs the feeling of safety in a planned structure and focus.

Maxence wants to listen to music to get into the right vibe.

And when acting their lines out, Maxence is standing so close to Axel, it feels like his skin is itching.

He can’t think about anything else.

Axel knows he should talk to Maxence about this, but it seems...difficult.

So he just doesn’t.

And the last few days before the start of the shooting goes by.


	13. Chapter 13

Axel almost leaves it at that.

That last night rehearsing, everyone at the white house dead tired and realizing that the rest is yet to come, both excited and scared, is another load in the pile of irritation.

They’ve spent hours every day going through the same thing over and over again with each other, with the other actors and with David (who has been a real charm calling them both to check up on them every evening), reading lines, talking about the emotions behind the script and drinking bitter coffee.

Axel feels like they can not in any way possible better prepare themselves for the shootings and it makes him equally satisfied and terrified, because what if it all falls flat - the acting, the emotions and the story?

He knows for sure David is going to kill him.

Sitting there on the wooden seat, Axel is not leaning a little bit to his right because he wants to follow the ink heart with his index finger, he does it because he needs to get away from Maxence’ itching touch.

Maxence himself, on a chair next to him with legs so wide apart that they are touching Axel’s left thigh, seems like he is completely unaffected.

Axel, he feels like he is burning.

And when Maxence, with that immensely intense look in his eyes that pulls Axel in without asking for any permission, acting as his character and presenting himself to Lucas on a bench at a bus stop, says the line “Eliott...I’m Eliott” a shiver goes down Axel’s spine, his stomach goes “ouf” and his heart goes “thump”.

Axel needs to get out before he suffocates. 

So that’s what he does.

And when Maxence finds him there in the grass trying to breath while the sun is slowly setting as a black curtain in the sky and he says something strange like "I woke up this morning and couldn’t remember if I was Maxence or Eliott”, Axel feels nothing but irritation and has no capacity to dig deep enough into himself to even try to understand how Maxence is feeling or what he is really trying to say.

Axel just walks away. 

___

Going home just a little bit later that night, after a quick goodbye, dark eyes attached to the pavement, Axel feels terrible.

He knows Maxence well enough after one month of constant hanging out, to be sure that Maxence knows something is up. Actually, he could see it in his eyes, lingering and sad, mouth a silent question and back hunched, when he turned his head and left him outside the stone wall.

Coming home, Axel unlocks the double locks on the door, steps over the threshold into the quiet oblong shaped hallway and puts his keys on the red dresser next to his phone.

Advancing into the connecting living room, turning on the lights, Axel’s heart is heavy in his chest.

Taking a shower, eating a cheese sandwich, brushing his teeth while gazing at the sad image of himself in the bathroom mirror and eventually lying down onto the big bed, mind aimlessly spinning, it still feels like as a huge weight is pulling him down.

_What the fuck am I doing -_ , he thinks to himself, _I’m such a coward._

____  
_

And Axel slings his thin black jacket over his shoulders, pulls the white sneakers back on, grabs the helmet and the keys for his scooter and drives through the Parisian roads lit up only by the street lights to Maxence’ tiny apartment.

Imagine if he hadn't.


	14. Chapter 14

Scrunching his face feeling a little uneasy, almost hunching over Maxence’ small birch kitchen table and rubbing his right wrist with his left hand, Axel looks up to meet his eyes.

Maxence opened the door in his striped blue pajama pants, a soft t-shirt and his hair a mess. The shootings are starting tomorrow and he knows he should get some sleep, but he simply must do this first.

“I don’t feel like me anymore... I’ve been so frustrated” he says slowly not really knowing how to continue. 

Maxence is watching him from across the table, eyes bright, expression probably consciously obliterated and head almost nodding a little as if he wants to tell him it’s okay.

He inhales a bit shaky, takes another sip of his hot chamomile tea, thinks _there's no going back now_ and goes on:

“I need to get close to you...I want to get close to you, but it just scares me so much. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of, I just know I feel a lot...for what we are doing, for the script, for Eliott, for you.”

He says the last part rapid, without a pause.

“It’s like I have an itch when I’m close to you.”

“Oh!” Maxence says, eyes wide. “Well, I do sting like a big-ass bee” he spits out quickly, jaw angled to his chest, eyes glittering and mouth turned into a quirk.

He knows he is being funny.

“Shut up!” Axel exhales a chuckle, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

The cramped feeling in his chest dissolves and his shoulders come down from just below his ears. He needed that laugh.

___

They’re sitting in silence in the white kitchen, carefully watching each other over the table.

“But what about you, Maxence, aren't you afraid of anything?”

“No, but I am afraid of everything!” Maxence says, the sound almost pressed out of his lungs like he's been waiting for the question.

“Why do you think I’m running around like a fucking ghost at the set? My anxiety is killing me. My smoking is through the roof!”

His voice is racing now, words tumbling out of his mouth.

“I am afraid to not be taken seriously because I’ve been a model. It’s not a good thing you know, people thinking you’re a pretty face but dumb as fuck.”

Axel isn’t laughing.

“I am afraid to not be good enough. To not be good enough as an actor, next to you, because you are amazing...amazing, Axel!” His eyes piercing big towards Axel. “You’re so great and I…”

“...Maxe, you’re wonderful!”

It just comes out of Axel, convinced and full of honesty.

“Oh?”

“Oh.”

They gawk at each other for a couple of seconds.

Axel blinks, brushes one hand through his hair and leans back in his chair where he is sitting in the middle of the night.

“I have been so fucking focused on myself. I’m so sorry, Maxe” he says voice full of regret.

Maxence smiles softly.

“Well, I’m really glad you scootered over here tonight -”

“And just so you know...I want to get close to you too.”

___

Axel watches Maxence pouring the last drop of tea in his mouth, Adam's apple moving when he swallows.

He thinks _it’s probably time to go home_ , and gets up from his chair even though he’s feeling like he could talk until the sun rises.

“Speaking of which -” Maxence says also standing now, glancing towards Axel, hand on top of the backrest of the wooden chair. ”Would you like to try it?”

“Try what?” Axel asks, feeling confused. _What?_

“Kissing”.

Axel abruptly freezes in his movement, one dark blue sock hovering above the floor. He blinks. Once. Twice. With eyebrows lifted high on his forehead and eyes as big as pancakes, he looks up at Maxence.

“What? Now?” he breaths in disbelief, eyes actually even wider than just a second ago, they will probably shortly fall out of their sockets.

“We...well, I just thought, well, for the shooting in the morning...kissing scenes -” Maxence is stuttering, cheeks bright red, looking like he realizes he has crossed some great boundary.

“Forget it” he adds, deflecting.

“Yes” Axel says.

“Yes?”

“Yes, let’s do this.”

___

“Can I touch you?”

They are standing close and opposite to each other in the living room. There’s only one light lit in the corner by the sofa. The full moon shines into the big window leaving shadows on the floor.

The angle is new for Axel who must lift his chin up to see Maxence’ face.

He can feel himself trembling.

“Please” Axel says, expression serious, eyes confirming it is okay. There's no laughing through this.

The warmth of Maxence’ hands when he gently brings them on top of his shoulders are shooting through his t-shirt.

Maxence’ eyes are burning into his own and so soft, so caring, so bright.

The first kiss is almost chaste. A sweet warm peck on Axel’s mouth and then another one next to it.

Maxence opens his closed eyes and pulls back just an inch to look into Axel’s as if to check that it’s okay to continue.

Axel’s nod is barely noticable but he closes the distance between their bodies, reaches up, attaches his arms around Maxence’ broad waist and leans in.

All he can sense is Maxence’ hard body pressing at his, the sweet wet mouth against his own, gentle tongue licking at his lips to be let in. And Axel lets him. He tilts his head slightly, feeling Maxence' breath.

It’s like they’re tasting each other, exploring each others mouths pulling back and forth, finding new angles and places to lick, tongues twirling and craving more, going deeper and deeper.

He can hear a soft moan escaping Maxence’ lips.

Axel must remind himself to breath as his chest feels crowded and warm, his heart is pounding and his entire body is tingling.

Maxence’ has his soft big palms on Axel’s chin now, strong fingertips buried in his scalp almost tugging at his hair, then tenderly caressing the upper part of the sensitive skin on his neck while Axel’s searching hands roam the soft t-shirt on Maxence' back.

 _Closer_ , Axel thinks, c _loser,_ as he shifts the weight of his feet, puts his thigh between Maxence’ and slips his hand down to the lower part of the t-shirt to pull under and feel the soft warm skin.

But suddenly Axel realizes that they should stop.

So he does.

He jerks back, letting go of Maxence, flicking his hazy eyes open.

Looking up at Maxence who slowly pulls back and opens his eyes he can see that his cheeks are pink and his eyes dark.

They are both smiling.

___

“You can sleep in my bed if you like. I don’t mind if you don’t”.

The shadows in the living room has turned into stripes of sunlight. It’s getting lighter by the minute and they will need to get up in just a few hours.

“I don’t mind” Axel says and pops the button of his jeans. _I just had your tongue in my mouth._

Laying down in bed under Maxence’ cool sheets Axel can feel the burn of Maxence’ stubble on his face and the imprint of his mouth over his.

Suddenly he feels dazed by sleepiness.

“This was new” he says, almost in a whisper.

“Strangely cool” Maxence adds.

And they fall asleep, side by side, listening to each other breathing.


	15. Chapter 15

As it happens, the next morning Axel and Maxence come to life in a bedroom filled with light.

It’s Maxence’ set alarm on his phone that beeps them into consciousness, Axel slowly opening his eyes and finding himself in Maxence’ bed, next to Maxence himself.

Last night's events feel almost like a blurry dream.

“Good morning, sleepyhead! Time to get up and get some breakfast” Maxence says, slightly lifting up his cover and peeking at Axel under it since he’s still lying comfortably, only the tip of his tousled hair sticking up above.

“Good morning -” Axel responds, yawning and stretching his arms, “do you have coffee?”.

Back at the kitchen table sitting in silence with a coffee in their hands and croissants on their plates, Maxence quietly says something that might not even be meant for Axel’s ears.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable.”

Axel thinks about it. “Who said that?” he asks, looking at Maxence where he sits, still in his pajamas and hair like a rat’s nest. Maxence seems to snap back into reality and answers:

“Me.”

Axel is rolling his eyes slightly, but the effort is not grand. 

“It’s true though -” Maxence continues softly. “And we should...be vulnerable”.

“Let’s do that” Axel says.

___

Needing to make a detour to Axel’s home for him to change his clothes and brush his teeth, Axel leaves his scooter outside Maxence’ building for later retrieval and instead they catch the tram.

This October morning is a clear and crisp one, the first of many where people gather on the public transportation to avoid the cold.

Axel shivers a little, realizing it’s his nerves that’s making him tense.

“Good?” Maxence asks, sitting across from Axel on a stained blue double seat.

“Good -” Axel says turning his face from the window, smiling enough to make his teeth show, eyes glistening. “I’m ready to hump your bones!”

Maxence is grinning, shaking his head.

___

The first few days of the shootings are set up in a three bedroom apartment.

It’s nothing much, plain with a cheap eclectic selection of furniture. A beige sofa, a kitchen table with some wooden chairs, beds and desks as this is what every teenager needs and has in their first own home.

Three roommates will live there, cook and shower and sleep while they’re not in school. Lucas will be a fourth, stuck in the living room pull out sofa for awhile, miserable and disconnected until he finally finds himself and true love.

Stepping into the coloc apartment, side by side, close, safe and comfortable with each other, Axel and Maxence quickly realize they will not be alone in their journey.

As a matter of fact, the place is totally swamped.

Inside they find not only the talented cast but also a big portion of the production team. There are camera operators, lighting technicians, sound recordists, the set decorator, a makeup artist, a hair designer and the costume designer. Walking through the crowd they all turn their heads and smile towards them, open and inviting.

This is Axel's season, or to be honest, it’s Lucas' and Eliott's.

The cluster of people dissolves slightly and Axel can see that dark hair in the middle of the living room, he is standing on the floor next to a mattress with a giant camera attached to a dolly.

“Welcome to the first day of the shootings little ones -” David says with a wide smile, brown eyes shining. “Finally!”.


	16. Chapter 16

 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To be totally honest, there’s not a lot of humping of bones going on the first day of the shootings. There are some fumbling and kissing though.

Lucas, this 16 year old teenager who’s still in school and spends most of his time hanging with the funny but not overly mature boy squad, is however sharp and funny he may seem, a lost soul.

He has had a tough childhood, brought up by a mentally ill mother and a father who couldn’t cope but distanced himself because of the pain, not only from Lucas’ mother but also from Lucas himself.

Not being able to deal with constantly being reminded of his mother’s weakness, Lucas decides to move out from her home and into the coloc. For a while he has a place for himself in the shared apartment, a room with a bed, a desk and a door. His luck runs out when the girl, Manon, who let him take her room in the first place, suddenly comes back from London and needs it back.

Lucas ends up on the pull out sofa in the living room, a place without privacy where he feels alienated from the rest of his roommates.

Lucas is a kid who keeps his feelings bottled up and talks to no one, instead he jokes and laughs and pretends it’s all okay. It gets him through his days for quite some time, but when he meets this boy, two years older than him, who joins his school at the end of the autumn semester, Lucas’ world comes tumbling down on him.

Feelings he has managed to suppress for a long time, by pretending to be like everyone else, by hooking up with girls at parties, unexpectedly and unwantedly comes or rather shoots up like an explosion to the surface of his consciousness and can no longer be disregarded.

Eliott, a beautiful, intelligent, artistic soul with a darkness hovering above him sees the beauty in Lucas, the kind and loving heart and the holes that need mending.

Lucas in turn is mesmerized out of his mind by this insanely charismatic, complex boy and wants nothing but him.

They float towards each other, dancing in the dark, not knowing the other's story.

Eventually they will grow a connection as deeply passionate as tender and truer love than you’ve ever seen, but not until they have both faced their darkest fears and are truly ready for what real love brings, both in good and in bad, as the world turns.

___

“Ouch! - ” Maxence blurts out rubbing his nose with one hand while holding himself up with the other one on top of Axel who is squished under Maxence on the grey mattress of the sparsely furnished living room floor.

“Sorry!” Axel says feeling embarrassed and quickly pulls back and lies down flat as a roadkill, arms and legs to his sides.

It’s true what Axel said that day in the park while talking about undertaking this project with no boundaries, he is actually the one with the acting experience.

Axel has already been a part of the Skam France crew for two seasons and he knows the drill, how it works with the sets, the preparations, the shootings and how to connect and communicate with the cast and the crew. He feels safe in the context, knowing that he can do this, that he can deliver when he’s supposed to. The two seasons where Axel had a supporting role among other teenagers gave him the chance to explore and evolve his acting skills - an opportunity he made the most of.

With this background and knowing that Maxence’ experience of acting is limited to training at the Actors Factory, a studio for actors in Paris where they take courses to train and experiment in acting, Axel expected to be the one who would at times need to coach Maxence through the acting and shootings for him to feel safe. 

On this day however, Axel quickly realizes that won’t be the case.

Whatever insecurities Maxence might experience and regardless of the goofiness that he projects as a private person, on set Maxence is fierce.

The intensity Axel first noticed while looking at the picture of him held in David’s hand when he was being cast for the role as Eliott is back, no question about it.

Axel is the one who's struggling.

It just seems to Axel like there are too many long arms and legs on that grey mattress and they continue to get tangled up in each other. Other than that he has already crashed his nose into Maxence’ twice and had to apologize.

It’s their first kissing scene, a scene that takes place even after the third season, since they are actually shooting also the fourth one at the same time. At this time of the story Manon is moving out of the coloc for the second and final time, allowing Lucas, who is happily and madly in love with Eliott, to finally get his room back and get off the sofa.

Axel and Maxence are supposed to lay on this mattress wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing, whilst their friends are helping Manon move the furniture out of the apartment.

“It’s about time you get your own room” Imane says, standing in the doorway of the living room, watching the boys make out.

Lucas jerks his head up and crashes his nose into Eliott’s again.

“Oh fuck me!” Axel mutters, thinking _thank god the crew are patient_ while looking at the smiling perchman holding a boom mic above their heads.

Imane, or Assa who is the actress who has the lead muslim part of season 4, laughs.

___

While standing on the street together waiting for the tram to take them back to Maxence’ place after a full day of work and for Axel to pick up the scooter, Maxence asks Axel how he thought the first day of the shootings went.

“Fine, I guess -” Axel responds wagging his head back and forth “except for my exceptional sense of clumsiness. The kissing went well though, don't you think?”.

“I believe we just went for it - ” Maxence says. “I think it felt nice, good, comfortable even”.

“Yeah, I do too. But I do have an unfamiliar sense of having a beard burn on my face since making out with you for two days straight”.

Maxence laughs, wide eyes narrowing, and points out “it’s only the start of that!” and steps into the tram as it pulls up. “Now let’s go home, my girlfriend is waiting for me".

*****

Clickable link (YouTube):

[SKAM FRANCE EP.1 S4 : Dimanche 11h04 - Zone érogène](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx92B63a60g&t=22s)


	17. Chapter 17

___

__

___

“Cut!-” David shouts. “More tongue! Deeper!” Eyes big and waving his arms as to show he can not imagine for a second being without more tongue.

Axel and Maxence who are standing close in the kitchen stare at each other, blinks and goes in for another dive, Axel bare chested in loose purple shorts and Maxence in boxers and a black open hoodie.

___

Axel, when years later looking back at the shootings of season 3, will not even remember in which order the scenes were recorded.

What he will remember is that it all started in that bland coloc apartment.

Standing opposite to Maxence this late October day, by the window where the leaves are turning into orange and the autumn wind catches, he knows he feels something he has never felt before.

Maxence' arms are strong around his waist, his lips are soft and inviting, his kisses profound and he smells like a man. But more importantly, what Axel can see in Maxence’ beautiful and honest ocean blue eyes is himself. And for some reason he has never liked himself better.

He doesn’t know it yet, he doesn’t even dare to think it and brushes it off as feelings connected to and needed for his role as Lucas, but what he sees is love.

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.8 S3 : Samedi 11h07 - PONI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMV7RlQUbLo)


	18. Chapter 18

The following morning Axel steps into Maxence’ apartment, door wide open and what he finds is a mess.

Out of the big black speakers in the living room rock music is roaring in a volume that makes Axel instantly put his hands over his ears.

 

_Won't you die tonight for love_

_Baby join me in death_

_Won't you die_

_Baby join me in death_

_Won't you die tonight for love_

_Baby join me in death_

 

_this life ain't worth living_

_this life ain't worth living_

_this life ain't worth living_

_this life ain't worth living_

[Link to music - turn your volume up!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAqK4dElUEI)

 

And Maxence, he can’t be found anywhere.

It’s not about the amount of time that this is going on, it’s only seconds, but Axel knows instantly, he can feel it in his gut. Something is wrong.

Rushing through the apartment, from the hallway to the living room and the small kitchen, searching for and calling out Maxence’ name, sounds that gets eaten by the music, Axel’s pulse is hammering loudly in his chest.

_Where is he??_

Eyes noticing the wide open window in the kitchen, Axel’s heart almost stops and the blood rushes through his head.

Suddenly the vinyl record comes to its end and after a scratching sound it goes silent.

It’s so silent. Standing in someone else's kitchen Axel thinks he has never experienced such silence before. 

Then he can hear it. Low gasps for air behind the thin wall.

___

Axel thrusts the bathroom door open, staring at the hunched over figure that is sitting on the white tiled floor.

It seems as though he has fallen off the toilet lid and ended up almost squashed against the wall between the toilet and the bathtub, pulling down the bright yellow shower curtain with him, now covering his feet.

His eyes are wild and blue, big as pools, staring straight out into the bathroom as a damage shot deer. He is chirping for air, breath hard and erratic as if he has run out and is about to collapse.

Axel takes a few quick steps into the room and falls down hard on his knees by Maxence’ shower curtain covered feet.

“What’s happening??” he asks searching for Maxence' eyes, only partly as a question and mostly for himself to try to understand. He realizes Maxence won’t be able to answer.

Maxence lifts his chin slightly and gazes into Axel’s eyes as though he is searching for a solution in them. Eyes are full of tears, running down his cheeks, dripping from his jaw.

“Breathe -” Axel says. “Breathe, baby”.

And he takes Maxence’s shaking hand and puts it over his own heart, mirroring his own touch at Maxence’ chest.

“Breathe with me” he says.

And they do. They sit there on the bathroom floor together, holding their gaze and breathing slowly in sync, in and out, until Maxence’ breaths are controlled and his tears has run out.

___

Still in the bathroom, Axel’s bum and back are beginning to hurt because of sitting on the hard tiles, but he makes no effort to move since Maxence is now situated in between his legs piled up against him, Maxence’ back to Axel’s front.

“What happened?” Axel asks quietly, holding his arms around Maxence’ upper body, feeling the weight of Maxence, his head against his shoulder and the soft hair in his face.

“I’m not sure” Maxence answers truthfully. “It happens sometimes when it’s too much pressure. I reached down to get my shoes in the hallway and my head just started spinning. I got my shoes on -” hand pointing to his black sneakers covered feet “I opened the door but realized I needed to go back inside to turn off the music...and ended up here, not breathing”.

“I understand what you mean about the pressure, I’m great at putting too much of that on myself -" Axel says against Maxence' hair and continues "and I can get overwhelmed, even if it doesn’t get this bad for me. You need to let me be there for you, let me know when you need me, a look, a touch and I’ll understand and I’ll be there -”

Axel pauses where he sits on the floor.

"And you know, If we can help just one person understand their sexuality better through this, we’ve won.”

“Thank you -” Maxence says quietly, squeezing Axel’s left arm with his right hand, sitting close. “Really, thank you. I do need you, you know.”

“I know”.

___

Standing up, Axel can feel the bruises on his knees from when he dropped down onto the floor.

Watching Maxence slowly and carefully getting up, clothes wrinkled, eyes puffy and hair standing in all directions, Axel’s heart is pounding, not because of the thought of losing him as this morning, but because he lost his touch and wants it back.

“Hey, did you call me baby?” Maxence asks looking at Axel with a small smile standing in the doorway to the bathroom.

“I believe I did”.

“I liked it”.

Axel smiles softly, pulling up his phone from his pocket, unlocking his screen noticing 15 missed calls and a bunch of text-messages.

“Now let me call David to try to explain to him why we ́re not at the set…”


	19. Chapter 19

The thing about Maxence’ anxiety is that it’s not only his struggle, it’s also Eliott’s.

“I don’t know how to control it and it’s killing me -” Eliott says gazing at Lucas, looking very serious. “I mean I’ll make you live a living hell. I’ll shout at you, I’ll just get the hell out. I’ll blame you for nothing.”

Standing in front of Maxence in the living room back at the coloc apartment, listening to Eliott, acting as though he is coming home from school wanting to undo the mess of the morning fight, Axel feels like he has received a blow to his stomach. He realizes Maxence is actually talking to him. When Eliott, voice filled with despair, talks to Lucas about destroying them with his pain, Axel knows his fear is real and it’s killing him.

“I don’t want to hurt you or to scare you. I don’t want you to suffer because of me” Eliott says voice shaking, looking down to the floor with his big blue eyes brimming with tears. “I feel good with you...I don’t want it to change.”

When Lucas answers to ensure Eliott that it’s okay, that they’re in this together, Axel has already made up his mind to stay no matter what, because that’s the only thing he can do.

“So do I, I feel good with you. I’m not flawless either -” Lucas says full of honesty. “I’ll get out sometimes too, I’ll shut you out, I’ll be upset. But the truth is, I’d rather be upset because of you than not being with you at all.”

And when Lucas can see the relief in Eliott’s eyes, close to tears while gently stroking his cheek with his fingers, Axel sees the release in Maxence’ face. When they gaze into each other’s eyes, smiling softly and decide to go forward day by day, minute by minute, Axel and Maxence are talking to each other.

When Lucas then says “hey, it starts now” while nudging his chin up slightly with his fingers to look him in the eyes, putting his arms around his neck to pull him closer, kissing him softly, melting towards his face, noses bumping into each other, feeling so good he isn’t able to open his eyes when Eliott pulls back...it’s Axel making sure Maxence knows he means every word he is saying and it's Axel and Maxence kissing each other.

And when Eliott pulls Lucas into an embrace nestling Lucas’ head close to his neck, Eliott smiles big and bright, eyes glistening and Axel spontaneously says “you look beautiful when you smile”, Axel can feel Maxence shivering.

___

__

___

Next morning Axel wakes up, body coming to life in warm sheets, eyelids fluttering after yet another night alone in his bed and he knows that the person he dreamt of, who was touching him all over, finding its way down his pelvis with a soft tongue and steady hands, was definitely not a woman.

The person in his dream with the rough hands, hard body and blue eyes was Maxen...Eliott.

___

Pulling up his black jeans after taking care of things in the shower, again, Axel remembers something Maxence said at some point standing out in the grass - "I woke up this morning and couldn’t remember if I was Maxence or Eliott”.

Axel realizes, he is not the only one who is getting affected by this.

_This is going to get complicated._

_*****_

Clickable link:

_[ SKAM FRANCE EP.10 S3 : Lundi 17h21 - On verra bien non?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Luy05cO8G7Q) _

__


	20. Chapter 20

“You said no boundaries. That won’t keep my dick down either -” Maxence says grinning towards Axel during their lunch break, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the vinyl floor in the school corridor where they are shooting today. “Let’s just go for it. Go with the flow, Axel.” Grin even bigger now, chin tilted towards his chest, eyes twinkling.

“Yeah, well, if it was only you but there is an entire crew watching -” Axel says in all honesty, looking down picking with his fingers at some invisible thread on the orange hem of his jeans. “You’re right though, of course. This living the story and feeling it just doesn’t seem as easy now when we’re actually in it. It was much easier to be brave when we were talking about it before.”

“I know -” Maxence responds, making sure Axel knows he’s not alone with his thoughts. “But we’re doing it together, that’s what we’ve decided. Let me know if you’re feeling uncomfortable.” Maxence puts his long arm around Axel’s shoulder instantly making him feel small. “And I like being close to you. You’re the perfect size to cuddle.”

Axel rolls his eyes, pouting his mouth. “You’re so corny.”

“I know. But I’m sweet.”

Axel is still rolling his eyes, now his entire head is shaking back and forth. “By the way, do you want to come to my place to hang out tonight? Watch a movie?”

___

“I think I’m just putting way too much pressure on myself over this. I just want it to be perfect” Maxence says, sitting on Axel’s big grey sofa in his living room, legs in Axel’s lap and back to the armrest while the muffled sounds from the TV fills the dimmed room. 

They’ve already watched one movie, eaten some popcorn and drank a couple of beers sitting together in silence.

It’s getting late, it’s dark outside, only the stars are visible outside looking out the window while sitting on the sofa. Neither of them makes a move to end the night.

“There's no such thing as perfection” Axel says, as much as a reminder to himself as to Maxence, hands laying still on Maxence’ legs covered by black jeans. Axel can almost feel the warmth coming from the skin just above Maxence’ knee where his jeans are ripped and fights the urge to move his hand there.

“So many people have made me believe for such a long time that I was the problem, that I was depressed or an idealist -” Maxence suddenly says, sitting up a bit on the sofa, looking Axel straight into the eyes. “As if common sense and sensitivity were faults. As if blind pragmatism and situational realism were the only acceptable ways of thinking.” 

“I want it all, you know, the colors and the rainbows -” he continues.  “Do I have to behave selfishly, individually and inhumanly to move forward? To not be abandoned by those who feel differently? Do I have to lose myself or become a son of a bitch to hope for some crumbs as an afterwork. That’s not much of an outlet.” Maxence talks fast and his eyes are dark now, face tense. He is furious, Axel knows.

“Amen -” Axel says, putting his hand over the hole in Maxence’ jeans, feeling the soft skin in his palm, contemplating about what Maxence just said for a few seconds.

“My my, hey hey...it’s better to burn out than to fade away” Axel continues, smiling softly searching for Maxence’ eyes while referring to Neil Young. “Is this the reason why Eliott means so much to you?”

Maxence’s face seems to soften, eyes turning bright again and his back finds its position against the armrest.

“I hate the fact that I wear every emotion on my sleeve, it’s exhausting, but...the emotions are mine. It’s just tough sometimes, rough. Violent even” Maxence explains making Axel feel he is showing a part of himself only a few people have seen.

“It’s a strength” Axel says, sure of what he is saying. “Your sensitivity is your strength. It’s beautiful and raw. I have never seen anyone being able to feel the emotions of the world and the people in it as you do. You can use it for good, in acting, but also in other ways.”

They go silent, looking at each other, feeling each other’s pounding heartbeats straight across the sofa, while the night is wrapping them in.

___

“The thing about anxiety is that it’s possible to put it in a bottle for a while, but when the pressure is getting too high the lid goes off in an explosion” Maxence says quietly into the darkness. 

Having crawled into bed together this November night, this time in Axel’s bedroom, they are laying next to each other like spoons but not touching, wearing only boxers and covered to their chins by Axel’s double size cover.

“This is the reason why Eliott means so much to me -” Maxence says almost in a whisper. “I just hope that every human being on this planet has someone who can help them with their personal shit -”. Voice is shaking now, Axel can hear him putting his hand over is face. Maxence is quiet for a moment, breathing, then he keeps going stumbling on the words, definite tears running down his face. “I mean their personal problems. And mine is Lucas...mine...I mean Eliott’s is Lucas.”

Axel, wanting nothing else than to comfort Maxence, to erase the pain he is feeling, scoots closer to Maxence on the mattress, carefully pulls him in by the waist, leaves his arm around his chest and tucks his face into the curved part of the soft nape.

Skin to skin, only the thin fabric of their boxers separating them, Axel feels the warmth of Maxence’ body against his own and he can smell his citrus scented hair in his face.

Through the thick darkness of the bedroom Axel can feel Maxence smiling through his tears, running down his glorious chin.


	21. Chapter 21

Waking up in Axel’s bed the following morning, Maxence is laying on his side close to Axel, right palm on the back of Axel’s neck, fingers tucked into his hair.

Axel, not wanting Maxence to pull away, lays there breathing slowly in the morning light, feeling the warmth of his hand. He closes his eyes again.

“You’re awake” Maxence says, voice rough with sleep. It wasn’t a question. Hand still in Axel’s hair.

“I am” Axel says quietly, opening his eyes, decisively turning around in bed facing Maxence.

Looking at Maxence, head on his white pillow, hair sticking up, face lined by drowsiness, gazing with his honest blue eyes into his own, Axel’s body fills with such all consuming warmth, such passionate affection that he can’t help but reach out and softly stroking Maxence’ chin with his thumb.

“I think we’ve got what we need for the next scene, don’t you think?” Maxence says slowly, looking straight into his eyes, then pulling himself up in the bed, turning away.

“I think we do.”

_It’s all just an act for him._

___

__

___

“We ́ll get married?” Lucas asks, looking surprised that Eliott is suddenly talking about this.

“Well, yeah. You don’t want to get married?” Eliott asks in return sitting naked, half wrapped in beige sheets on a big bed on an even bigger houseboat, theirs for the weekend.

Lucas, who is sitting next to him also partially covered by sheets and leaning up against the back wall by the window, feeling relaxed and happy, makes a face like he doesn’t quite know the answer to that.

“Think about it, there will be stuff like potato chips and ham -” Eliott says, suddenly picking up speed while talking, chewing on some delicious Italian beeched wood ham. “No better, there will be potato chips and ham only.”

“You don’t want people to eat good stuff at our wedding?”

“Well, no because our wedding will be so amazing everyone will want potato chips and ham at the wedding -” Eliott says convinced and continues. “Then every caterer will go bankrupt and Trump will have no choice but to declare war on Russia to have a ham monopoly -” His voice is high and it’s racing uncontrollably now.

Looking into Eliott’s lifeless black eyes, hearing his laugh so shallow it rings in Lucas’ ears, he realizes something is off, most definitely way off and scary.

And Axel, sitting there on the bed, watching and listening to Maxence repeating the scene over and over again to get the best shot, chewing on that damn ham, can feel the anxiety coursing not only through Maxence’ body, but also through his own. 

And when Eliott takes off in the middle of the night, scared and manic out of his mind and Lucas wakes up alone and confused on the barge, running the few steps up to the deck to look for Eliott, shouting his name over and over again into the darkness afraid he has jumped into the black water, chest filled with panic, heart racing and body shaking to the bones, Axel is crying hard for the situation he’s in. 

___

__

___

It’s their first love scene and it takes place on the barge earlier that same night, before Eliott's manic episode, when Lucas and Eliott are still happy and enjoying each other.

Axel is quite frankly feeling scared, not so much about the practicalities of things, they’ve addressed these and made amends with them, but because he knows he is feeling too much too deep and he’s worried about what this will bring out in him.

Tumbling around in the beige sheets on the bed of the houseboat the following day of the shootings turns out, as expected, to be another emotional rollercoaster for Axel.

He knew Maxence was supposed to touch him, but laying there totally stripped with another naked man on top of him for the first time in his life, Axel feels like his entire body, every inch of his skin, his mouth and his hands are made out of nerve-endings.

Maxence’ intense black eyes are searching for Axel’s while laying in bed together only covered by some sheets. His hands are everywhere and they are so firm, so big and so gentle while they are searching their way over his chest and nipples. When Maxence’ touch finds it's way down to his hips and naked thighs, as he peppers Axel’s chest with small wet kisses trailing down to his navel and the V-shaped skin above his… Axel bites his lip and can feel the heavy pounding between his legs.  

And when Maxence' rough hands pull him in by the waist and presses them as close together as they can physically get, Axel feels the hot shape of a hard on next to his own naked groin and he knows, he is in this way deeper than he’d ever imagined.

___

Standing on the narrow ledge between the barge and solid ground, about to go home after another long day of exhausting work, David, still standing on the boat, shouts out to Axel.

“Hey, little one, how’s the piano playing going?”

“Eh, fine I guess” Axel responds, turning his face away, quickly moving forward to avoid further questions.

 _Oh, God. Now that,_  he thinks to himself.

Axel doesn’t know if he is supposed to laugh or cry about how bizarre this is.

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.8 S3 : Vendredi 19h25 - Tu me fais confiance non?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLCumAaSugg)

[SKAM FRANCE EP.8 S3 : Vendredi 23h37 - Une putain de lubie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zEPEg-Roxk&t=15s)


	22. Chapter 22

He decides crying is the better solution.

Axel is weeping actually, lying on his bed, face down in some pillows and arms stretched to his sides as he is balling his eyes out, this late autumn day.

The bedroom is filled with light but in Axel’s head there’s pure confusion and in his heart there’s a weight as heavy as two tanks piled upon each other.

He just doesn’t know what to do.

There’s one thing going method acting for a role, there’s another one pining for, dreaming about, _wanting to touch and be touched by_ , your straight opponent (who has a girlfriend!) while having a girlfriend yourself!

And Axel loves his girlfriend.

He is sure.

So he pulls himself together, gets out of the bed and calls her.

___

“It’s just difficult to stay in character when I interact with people outside of the story” Axel tries to explain himself, sitting next to a small unstable round table with a hot coffee in his hand at a café, looking straight at Mae while the rain is pouring down outside the window.

“I understand that, Axel, but I’m your girlfriend” Mae says with a serious expression, looking like she most definitely must be the older one of the two. “You can’t have me waiting for you for months every time you are shooting”.

 _She is beautiful_ , Axel thinks when later walking to the buss in the cold rain, shivering because he’s already drenched from head to feet and feeling as grey as the weather. _And I’m losing her._

Axel is panicking.

___

__

___

So when Eliott needs saving, because he, depressed and suicidal as a result of the fallback from the mania decides to hide himself away somewhere at a dark place that no one knows where to find except Lucas, and Lucas gets a text message saying he is gone, and he gets up from the church bench where he is listening to mass with his mother this Friday evening and runs, runs, runs faster than his legs have ever carried him before through the Parisian streets, actually so fast that the car following him with the camera has a hard time catching up, almost being run over by a car while doing it, it’s Lucas running to save Eliott and Axel running to save Maxence, but mostly it’s Axel running to save himself.

And the next day when they are shooting yet another kissing scene in Lucas’ bed in the soft seepage morning light, Axel wants to devour him whole and he melts into Maxence’ touch and gazes into his beautiful eyes and when Eliott while softly rubbing his neck with his hand asks Lucas if he is his first guy, Axel wants to tell him that he is and that he wants more. More of this, of closeness, of sweet touches, of warm skin on warm skin and soft pillowtalk in the bed. He wants to tell him all that, but he says nothing.

Instead he acts like Lucas and talks about the possibility of living in different parallels, of a muscular Lucas surfing on a big wave in Bali and of another one who’s in a skyscraper in New York signing a million euro contract, quietly wishing there was a parallel universe also for them, for Axel and Maxence, where there were no girlfriends, no society chained by shame and rules and no roles to play, but where they would be free and willing to love each other as passionately as Lucas and Eliott.

And when Axel feeling completely drained, closes his eyes that evening, laying in his bed this time next to his innocent loving girlfriend, he yet again dreams about Eli...no, _fuck it,_ it’s definitely Maxence now.

Axel believes he is losing his mind.

He knows he should talk to Maxence about this, thinks that maybe they can fix this together, as they have done before.

But the schedule of the shootings is crazy hectic, there's simply no time.

Or maybe it’s just too difficult this time.

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.9 S3 : Vendredi 20h27 - T'es plus tout seul](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyuFj_LLn7s&t=152s)

[SKAM FRANCE EP.5 S3 : Samedi 9h17 - Combien de Lucas dans l'univers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEp8MTRxsLY&t=5s)


	23. Chapter 23

“Fuck, we have to change the record” Eliott says indolently with a joint in his hand, looking like a young James Dean dressed in jeans and a plain black t-shirt, leaning his head against the wall, sitting in his own brown sofa next to an ink drawing actually drawn by Maxence.

Axel, who has been practicing for this for two months straight every chance he has had, is jittered with nerves. They haven’t got many takes today, actually they rarely do, the crew have managed to shoot several of the scenes in only one take.

This one is totally up to Axel though or to be more exact, it’s up to his shaking hands.

“Can I try?” Lucas asks, pointing at the big black piano standing against the dark beige wall after turning off the turntable and putting the vinyl record back on the shelf.

“Mhm.”

He is feeling his way forward sitting on a stool, playing around with the keys like a kid in music class to find the correct grip. Lucas isn’t quite sure how to proceed, or if he should.

“I have a triangle also if you want?” Eliott says and smiles. He is trying to be funny, Lucas knows this while looking back at him where he is sprawled out on the sofa, carefree, relaxed by beer, joints and good company.

 _He is so beautiful_ , Axel thinks to himself.

Axel is an avid drummer, but he also plays the guitar and a little piano. He didn’t quite realize it would be this difficult though, after all he chose this piece by RIOPY himself after talking to David about the possibility of adding a piano scene in the plot. Actually the piece has turned out to be so challenging, Axel still hasn’t been able to finish it in one go.

Looking at Maxence’ face, sitting in that sofa, Axel knows Maxence wants him to succeed. He also knows, he feels, he has something he desperately wants to tell him.

He smiles to himself, because he knows he can do this, but also because he enjoys the chance to surprise Maxence and so he lets his skilled slim fingers dance over the white and black keys, feeling the music, finding the rhythm.

When hearing the delicate music flowing into the room, filling it with beauty, meant to tell him that he loves him, Maxence sits straight up in the sofa, leaning towards Axel. Maxence has never heard him play the piano before and he looks absolutely baffled, filled with sudden emotions, eyes staring at Axel by the piano.

Lucas slows down a bit, looks back at Eliott to make sure he has not made a mistake in showing this hidden part of himself and Axel knows he didn’t.

Because Eliott smiles and Axel can see Maxence’ eyes gazing straight into his, glistening not far from tears, full of surprise, honesty and admiration and he knows that while absorbing the music Maxence’ heart is full, just as his own is pumping furiously in his chest.

And when Eliott says “it was amazing” shaking his head in disbelief and Lucas counters with a joke saying “it was no Star Wars music” it is Axel trying to take the edge off the rapidly increasing buzzing feeling under his rib cage and when Eliott responds with “you are surprising” to let him know he won’t let him get away with a joke, Axel knows Maxence means every word he is saying. 

There are no more jokes between them, only honest gazing into each others eyes.

They both know, no. one. can. act. that.

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.2 S3 : Vendredi 19h34 - Surprenant](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nP_JNnk611k&t=231s)


	24. Chapter 24

“Honestly, do you like it? Or are you afraid?” Eliott asks, circling around him with a flashlight in a dark excluded tunnel in a park, closed off by a rattling gate. He has brought no one here before.

This is Eliott’s hiding place, the spot he later will resort to being depressed and suicidal, but today this is nothing more than a tunnel made by concrete covered by graffiti, or a refuge, a place to visit for calm introspection, all depending on the eyes of the beholder. 

“Me, afraid?” Lucas answers, turning, trying to follow the light, feeling cocky and wonderfully happy to be brought here by Eliott.

“Not afraid.”

“Not even a little afraid?” Eliott asks with a smirk, directing the flash light into Lucas' eyes.

He is terrified of course, scared shitless about the sheer thought of what this is, what it means, and what it will bring into his life. But he wants, the all consuming want is so much stronger than the fear, it doesn’t matter how afraid he is, he simply must.

So he strips himself of fear and guilt and steps out of the tunnel into the thunder and the pouring rain spilling from the open black evening sky, following Eliott. 

___

“What, are you afraid of rain too?” Eliott asks with a smug grin, gazing straight into Lucas’ eyes. They are both already completely soaked, standing opposite to each other like two peacocks ready for a duel, wearing jeans and thin black jackets, Eliott’s sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

Axel doesn’t respond, instead he looks Maxence straight in the eyes and smiles softly.

He took his time walking out to Maxence standing in the dirt under the thundering rain with arms hanging to his sides, waiting for Axel. They’ve got all the time they need.

Seeing the anticipation in Maxence’ eyes, Axel hesitates for a second, not knowing exactly how to proceed. He just knows he wants to take part in this game, in this fantasy, in this thing they are doing.

So he holds his gaze, smiles a little slowly lifting his hands towards Maxence, letting them rest in mid air, waiting for Maxence to make the next move.

Maxence takes one step forward and slowly intertwines his big hands with Axel’s smaller, bony fingers next to bony fingers, before pulling just a bit closer to make their soft warm palms touch.

It’s like being in a vacuum, alone but together, the dark forest their only companion. They both know what’s going to happen next and they want nothing else than being there with each other.

They smile, because this is such an adventure, because it’s amazing that they get to do this together.

And it doesn’t matter who lunges forward, almost bouncing off the ground and leaping into the others lap to kiss because at this point they are one person who catches the other, on equal terms with equal wants.

And as their lips smash together and their teeth clicks, the joint force is so great they push and pull back and forth, dancing in the dark, stumbling on the wet black soil, arms everywhere, burning with desire, lust to touch and taste. They are connected by their waists, crotches close, buttons of their jeans colliding.

 _I adore him,_ Axel thinks, with Maxence’ hot lips on his and his warm tongue gliding in his mouth. _I want him,_ strong hands caressing his face. It’s love and hunger and power and Axel can hear Maxence catching a breath in his ear through the rain and the wind and he knows he sounds the same.  

They are so close now, kisses deep, coming up for air, smiling at each other, glistening eyes locked because they did it, because they like it, because they are close and because they can. Going back in for more, the rain is showering them, they are soaking wet but so happy and so warm it burns and only equals to the thundering storm around them.

Clutching to Maxence’ wet jacket Axel kisses him again and again, marks him with his mouth, until they’re completely out of breath. He looks up into the black sky to the pouring rain, shaking his head in happiness and disbelief, thankful he could ever be given such an experience and is rewarded with Maxence blinding smile, feeling happier than ever before, like he could stand here for all eternity and want nothing else, need nothing else for the rest of his life. So he holds Maxence by his waist and dives into the warm crook of his neck with his nose first, grinning, while Maxence pulls him in with his long arms.

“Oh, Axel” Maxence mumbles against his ear, only meant for Axel to hear.

“I know -”, Axel whispers. “I know.”

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.4 S3 : Vendredi 20h27 - Le premier](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw94vyoVxFk&t=23s)


	25. Chapter 25

Maxence tries to talk to him.

Sitting on the plastic floor in the school about to shoot another scene, Maxence, with his head bent over his knees, hand over half his face, beautiful big blue eyes looking scared and confused searching for Axel’s, says “I could end it with her -”, “I should”, “I want to” and “I wasn’t prepared for this”.

But Axel, making sure they are not sitting too close, eyes attached to the ground, shakes his head and shushes him down, saying “don’t -”, “don’t do anything you'll regret” and “this, whatever it is, will pass”.

He says nothing about what he is feeling, about the all consuming longing for touch and taste and the broken feeling in his chest, like his world has smashed into a million pieces, beyond repair. 

And when Lucas, in the school corridor tells Eliott that “I don’t need crazy people in my life” it’s Axel telling Maxence he doesn’t need this in his life. The scene is just so goddamn fitting it’s hilarious and that they keep messing it up and are forced to redo it time after time must be the biggest irony of his life.

And Axel can see, Maxence gets it. He jerks back with a hurt expression in his face, kisses him on his forehead and walks away.

Axel knows he won’t be coming back, that it’s oceans between them now.

He ended it.

___

Axel is just so goddamn scared.

He has always considered himself as someone who knows himself well. His goal in life since he was a small child has been to act and to be damn good at it. Apart from that Axel wants to be a decent human being, someone sympathetic who also has sympathy for others. Kindness, openness and tolerance are the important guiding principles of his life, things that have always come naturally for Axel as a result of his upbringing but also as a result of a variation of experiences growing up.

It’s one thing though, to be open and tolerant when you have nothing to hide or when the tolerance is not about yourself.

However when your values get mixed with your own reality and you need to choose, for real, it’s not that easy.

For Axel, pro tolerance and all - heterosexuality is the norm.

For every single day of his life until now he has envisioned an ordinary life as his future, a girl, someone sweet and small and soft, white picket fences and double dates with other couples. Being one man of many and in one family of many.

Never has he thought of a man as a companion, someone bigger than him, strong shoulders, big hands and smell of sweat.

And he has just so much to lose.

Axel’s career that he has worked hard for, this project that he knows could become his big break, it’s all just getting started. This. This _madness_. It could just destroy everything. It would make him seem like he has no self-restraint (he hasn’t, he realizes), like he is not serious enough (he most definitely is), like he is...gay.

And he is not.

And if he was he still doesn’t need the experience of Lucas who struggles to come out, who is walked away from by his best friend when he tells him he is gay. He doesn’t want to be seen as different, as someone who is disgusting or wrong or who should be felt sorry for.

It doesn’t matter that this is not his opinions, now it’s about him.

And he certainly doesn’t want to lose Maxence’ friendship.

So Axel does what many sane people would do. He goes straight into denial.

___

__

___

He dreams of him, wakes up in the dark bedroom in the middle of the night, heart beating in his chest, sweaty, entangled in the sheets, not knowing what is real and what is not, having dreamt about rough hands, a man’s smell and broken dreams.


	26. Chapter 26

If Axel in normal circumstances tends to hide his soft heart by laughs and jokes, at this point in time, he is acting like a goddamn ping pong ball, one moment swooping over the table, the next minute stuck in the net.

“You’re crazy! -” Maxence says, waving his arms as though he’s trying to portray the magnitude of the issue, eyes big. “You’re lucky I’m mature enough to say no to ninety percent of your wild ideas!”

Axel and Maxence have been sent off to whatever destinations they might choose themselves, accompanied by one poor sucker of a cameraman. It’s Transmedia day, and they are supposed to create the material for Lucas’ and Eliott’s Instagram accounts, an important part in making the series seem real.

“I know you actually were chewing on hay in one of Lucas’ posts last season, but come one, we need to be adult about this” Maxence says, laying on his back in Axel’s arms on a sofa, trying to be the reasonable one.

“But I’m in control of the chaos” Axel says, smiling like a small boy on Disneyland.

“You are not in control, Axel. Right now your finger is stuck up my nose!”

___

The shootings have finally come into a calmer period. After having survived the Transmedia day which pretty much consisted of Axel and Maxence doing Paris like a couple - visiting museums, taking their photos in a photo booth, listening to RIOPY’s I love you in the library and of course cuddling on the sofa together, all to create social media content to be posted along with the series, it’s time for Axel to do some shooting with the other cast members.

Because there are actually other cast members.

For season 1 and 2 of the series Axel loved spending time with the cast and to shoot the scenes with them. All of them having so much to learn and needing each other they became a family to rely on.

Doing the scenes as Lucas talking with and helping the girls to plan a party, eating lunch with the boys discussing girls, sexuality or bipolarity or just hanging out as himself during breaks Axel still enjoys them, it’s not that, and he finds them astoundingly talented and hilariously funny, but the chemistry while shooting the scenes are just not there like it is with Maxence.

He can feel the lack of it, like he’s left his wallet at home or lost his keys. There’s a void that can not be filled, no matter how hard he tries.

And spending his evenings with friends, Mae, alone in his apartment with his furball Ouba, or in between his 7 pm shows playing the autistic drummer in Une Vie sur mesure, no longer texting with Maxence, he can’t help constantly picking his phone up and checking for new messages.

*****


	27. Chapter 27

_Do you want the mural scene? Do you?! Well, hit the kudos button and send me your comments to let me know what you think of the story so far, and I'll see what I can do..._  
  
_:) :) :) :) :) :) ;) ;)_


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it goes - I hope you’ll enjoy! 
> 
> Thank you so much for all your empowering kudos and comments, they are gold for a writer!
> 
> And thank you my dear proofreader, for your amazing patience and your courses in English 101!

“Can I wash your hair? - ” Maxence asks, butt naked, totally covered in dried paint, blue and green and yellow, the colors of the rainbow flowing down his body with the water, turning brown and gushing into the floor drain. “You’re covered in paint”.

Maxence had been nervous when he entered the door to the common room, it was obvious to Axel when he saw his tense facial expression and cautious eyes.

It was nothing compared to how he himself was feeling though, he was sure about that. It had been a week since they’ve last shot a scene together, and even longer than that since they’ve kissed.

Axel’s heart was pounding behind his ribcage when he saw Maxence coming straight at him across the room. Scared to not be able to find the connection again, but even more afraid to actually do so and once again be lured into the madness.

He knew that his feelings were way too strong and that they were lurking just beneath the surface of his consciousness.

“You can” he answers, voice low, watching Maxence stepping closer in the shower. He’s standing behind him now on the dark tiled floor, warm water splashing on them both from the shower nozzle above their heads.

“They cried when they clapped their hands, did you see that?” Axel asks, facing the wall, his back close to Maxence’ chest. The paint is pooling around his feet.

He’s talking about the crew coming forward from their hiding places behind cameras and equipment, when the scene was over.

“I saw that” Maxence says quietly, bending down to reach for the bottle of soap. His sticky paint covered hair falls in his eyes.

Axel turns around, facing Maxence in the shower, standing just an inch apart, lifts his hand and softly strokes a paint infested lock back behind his ear where it belongs.

“It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced” Axel says, looking into Maxence’ blue eyes.

“The scene?”

“Yeah.”

Maxence holds their gaze, expression serious.

“Turn around for me” he says.

And Axel does.

He can hear the soap in Maxence’ hands turn into foam as he rubs his palms against each other.

Feeling his warm hands on the back of his neck, fingers softly gliding up to his scalp with paint and soap, Axel shivers in the warm water and closes his eyes, standing so close he can feel Maxence’ naked belly and rough hair against his back.

___

They were supposed to paint a mural on a high surface in the school, splashing it multicolored like Jackson Pollock would have.

However, when Maxence’ expression became a smirk and he had reached out and painted Axel’s nose dark green with his paintbrush, both playing around laughing like two boys, trying to throw as much paint on the other as possible by brush or by hand, they gazed into each other’s eyes and the time stopped.

Axel leaped forward and pressed his lips to Maxence’ and it was only a moment and then they were tumbling around in the paint, finally kissing and touching and breathing, stroking soft strong hands on sparkling skin and leaving warm strides of smooth paint.

It was a quiet room, bathed in light coming from the enormous windows facing the school yard and the floodlights set up for the painting and in it Axel could hear the sound of them simultaneously panting heavily, a need for more.

Feeling the raging urge to touch Maxence’ smooth skin Axel looked into his eyes for assurance, gliding his hands under Maxence’ damp black shirt and quickly pulled it up over his head, feeling the welcome touch of Maxence’ warm skin against his wrists, gazing at the soft skin stretched over delicate ribs.

Listening and reacting only to the sound of each other’s heavy breathing and hazy eyes they turned around, both shirtless now, holding each other’s sharp edges close, dancing in the light and pinning each other down into the splash of colors.

Clutching, caressing paint colored arms covered with goosebumps, strong backs and soft hair, creating a blended pattern on their pounding bodies, hot everywhere they were touching, it was difficult to keep standing, but that’s what they did, holding each other up against the wall, bravely pulling down their pants and boxers.

Warmth pooling in his stomach, knowing everything he is feeling is fully visible, Axel with face full of smeared color turning black by now, let his tongue glide deep in Maxence’ mouth, belly to belly, aroused crotch to aroused crotch. When his wandering hand glides downwards from his lower back over the hips to the soft flesh of Maxence’ naked butt, leaving a string of color, hearing Maxence’ gasp in his ear, Axel felt like he was on fire.

Not being able to get close enough, Axel’s body filled with such an empowering want, wanting more, wanting to be closer, needing to completely take him in, he opened his mouth and slowly licked at Maxence’ paint covered chin, from the triangular bottom to his open gasping mouth, tenderly kissing his pink lips, sucking on his tongue. He could feel Maxence shiver and his knees buckle and attached his hands to his sides and held him up against the wall.

And when David yelled “cut” they were standing in a flood of paint, closed off from the world around them and they kept kissing, kept touching until he came straight to them, pulling them apart.

___

__

___

Axel looks out over the black evening sky. The stars must be hidden behind clouds.

He can still feel the smell of fresh paint.

“You’ve still got some paint behind your ear” Maxence says, grinning, taking a step forward so he stands opposite to Axel on the small windy balcony. It’s fenced in by a black iron rail, attached to the big city apartment where this after-party is taking place. The sound of the pumping pop music is a bit muffled out here.

“I can’t believe it, we showered for an hour” he says, so close now Axel can sense his smell, chin tilting down towards Axel, reaching out his right hand, holding a bottle of beer in his left.

The touch of his thumb behind Axel’s ear is so gentle, just a brush and Maxence’ eyes so big and kind.

Just the touch of it makes him close his eyes.

“Can we talk for a moment?” Axel asks, aware of his pounding heart, looking down to the cement floor. They can’t go on like this.

“Of course”.

Axel changes the weight of his feet, swallows, thinks _just say it_ , and opens his mouth.

“I…”

Suddenly Maxence’ phone starts buzzing in his pocket.

“Just give me a second, it’s my girlfriend” he says, stepping away.

___

“I’m taking her to Budapest in the spring, we’ve already booked the plane tickets -” he says, smiling bright, still holding the phone in his hand. He looks happy. “But what was it you wanted to talk about?”

“Nothing -” Axel says abruptly. “It was nothing”.

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.7 S3 : Vendredi 18h35 - Ça compte pas](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZiN3hoKQAs&t=8s)


	29. Chapter 29

_Stupid, stupid, stupid_ , he thinks sitting on his unmade bed the following morning, not finding the will to get up, brooding and biting his fingernails down until they bleed.

He must be a fool. Only an idiot would fall for alluring eyes and soft touches intended to catch him in the net, eat him raw and spit him back up, mangled and terrified, full of fucking want.

Axel is not able to think about anything else, there was hardly any sleep last night, only feverish awakened dreams, tumbling around in his rumpled sheets, longing and angry.

___

After having turned around and marched back in from the balcony, through the dancing crowd and pumping music straight to the hallway to pick up his white sneakers from the floor and the now too thin black jacket from the hanger, Axel went home.

He walked in the chilly December air, down the grey cobblestone street surrounded by fashionable clothing stores, shopping windows filled with shining Christmas stars and happy Santa Clauses.

Meeting people just like him this Friday night, coming from parties, talking on their phones or smiling and laughing together, Axel couldn’t understand how they could. How they could be happy and carefree like everything was okay, when his own world was coming apart.

Fighting the tears burning in his eyes, threatening to fall, wetting his cheeks that will probably never cease, Axel tied his fists in his pockets and turned sorrow into rage.

___

__

___

“What’s the problem?” Yann, Lucas’ best friend asks, standing next to the refrigerator in the kitchen. They are supposed to be having fun, playing video games, drinking beer and going to a party later on.

“There’s no problem”, Lucas responds, expression as if there most definitely is one. He has been sulking all night, kept to himself, sitting in silence while the other boys ate their chips, laughed and talked.  

“Don’t tell me there’s no problem” Yann says, standing by the kitchen counter, looking concerned, trying to get him to speak.

Axel feels like Yann is talking to him. They all are, Yann and Manon and Imane, or is it Léo, Marilyn and Assa. Axel can no longer tell them apart.

He realizes his behavior must be odd at this point, keeping the distance, noticeable for all. 

But he can’t tell them about this.

___

“You’re GAY, Lucas!” Chloé shouts out, loud enough to be heard by everyone through the loud music in the big villa where the party is being hosted. The room is filled to the brim with teenagers, drinking and dancing.

What Axel hears is not Chloé, the girl Lucas dated and let down by falling in love with Eliott.

Axel hears the voice of Mae.

Sweet innocent Mae, who strokes his hair and kisses him on his chin, pouting her mouth.

Mae is going to get hurt.

Running out of that house, heart pounding, eyes black, seeing Eliott back with his girlfriend kissing by the wall, it all comes tumbling down.

The panic that follows not being in control.

The frustration of lusting for what’s not yours.

The fear that comes with losing what’s safe.

The longing for more.

The sadness because of the losses that need to be cut.

And the anger, because it’s easier than the pain.

Rushing down the street, slamming his hand on the iron door the rattling sound of him breaking his hand compares to what Axel is feeling inside.

Slipping down to the ground, back to the stone wall, facing the barrels on the dark pavement, Axel holds his bleeding right hand with his left and cries.

He cries for Mae.

He cries for himself.

___

“Cut!” David yells and in the corner of his eye he can see him rushing forward, sitting down beside him on the dirty pavement. “How are you, Axel?” he asks, voice full of worry and waves his hand at the crew standing behind them to make them leave.

Axel, who really doesn’t know what to say, says nothing, but stares across the dark road with glassy eyes. Tears running down his cheeks, he wipes snot running from his nose with the corner of his sleeve.

David scoots closer, pulls his left arm up and puts it around Axel’s shoulders. Sitting in the late evening darkness, silent, after all these months of preparations, shootings and talks, Axel knows he truly cares.

As the stars are shining in the sky and Axel’s tears run dry, he needs to confide and so he finally does, in the only way he can.

“When did this get so difficult?” he asks, David's arm still tight around him, his right hand still hurting.

David is quiet for a while and then he responds, carefully turning his serious eyes to Axel’s.

“When it got personal”, he says.

Of course he knows. How couldn’t he.

*****

[SKAM FRANCE EP.5 S3 : Vendredi 19h21 - Y'a pas de problème](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1kg8h9JBEA&t=7s)


	30. Chapter 30

One would think that hearing Maxence telling him that he loves him, would be all Axel ever wanted.

It was, of course.

But it also doesn’t matter anymore. 

“Are you okay?” Eliott asks, standing at the bus stop by the street in the afternoon sun, backing up just enough from the hug to see Lucas’ face.

Lucas shakes his head, eyes brimming with tears, looking down to the pavement, hands clutching to both sides of Eliott's grey hoodie. “I don’t want you to go” he whines.

“Hey, this is not farewell -” Eliott says, tenderly holding his face, gazing into his eyes, soft and kind. “I’m only leaving because I haven’t been home for a week.”

“I know -” Axel says, tears running down his chin. “I know”.

But as Maxence kisses him, standing nose to nose waiting for the bus to arrive, Axel knows, for them, this is farewell. It’s all over now.

And as Maxence, standing by the bus door, stops, looks back and says “Lucas, I love you”, Axel’s chest is burning with pain, his arms seems to be too heavy and he can’t force himself to smile.

He knows it’s what he wanted to hear, but it’s all an act and not enough.

Between the shootings of Skam France 12 hours a day, then jumping at a mototaxi to get to the theatre to 7 pm to play in his show Une Vie sur mesure and all the stress and feelings connected to Lucas, Eliott and Maxence - Axel is feeling completely and utterly exhausted.

Watching the bus drive away, Eliott smiling through the window, Axel stands alone on the pavement, tears running down his face.

___

The shootings are over and Lucas and Eliott are no more.

*****

Clickable link:

[SKAM FRANCE EP.10 S3 : Jeudi 17h32 - C'est pas des adieux](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwT5j72s6yI)


	31. Chapter 31

*********************************

Heavy sobs are shooting through the telephone line, the words on the other end are twisted around creating a mess. “She wrote..she wrote that she...came out because” - more sobbing muffles the words...

“What?-” Axel says, trying to press his phone closer to his ear as though that could help his hearing, standing on the parquet floor in his living room. “She did what?”.

“SHE CAME OUT TO HER PARENTS BECAUSE OF US!”

Maxence is pretty much screaming on the other end.

“Oh” Axel says.

“After years of depression and self harm” Maxence adds, a bit calmer.

Now tears are running down Axel’s chin as well.

___

Wrapping up the final scenes of the series together with the crew, the week before Christmas, Axel had felt like two people at the same time.

It was such a relief that the shootings were over. The prior three months had been demanding, stressful, anxiety ridden and at that point he really really could use some sleep.

But on the other hand, like Cinderella would have said “what’s a night at a ball? Completely...completely wonderful.”

The script, the preparations, the shootings and most of all meeting the wonder of Maxence, it had all been a road of joy. Axel was so proud of himself, for doing this, for doing it well, because he knew he did, not alone, but together with Maxence every step of the way.

It was obvious to Axel that he was going to miss this. That he was going to look back at this period in his life, knowing it was the best of times and that it was never coming back.

___

Christmas at his grandmother's place out in the French countryside with a big portion of his extended family, going to Christmas markets and eating himself stuffed on roasted capon, ham, mashed potatoes and peas gave Axel some perspective and the chance to calm down a little.

Back in the big city of Paris to spend New Year’s eve together with Mae, mutual friends, a dinner party and fireworks as it should be, was even better.

It seemed to get easier to distance himself from his confusing feelings towards Maxence.

 _It was the role,_ Axel thought. _I just needed to get back to reality._

And so, feeling the need to change to a thicker black jacket with a fur collar to meet the chilly winter weather, he spent the first days of January walking around the parks of Paris with Ouba.

The break between jobs and between shooting of the series and the airing of it would not last for very long though, Axel knew that. And the closer they got to the drop of the first clip of the third season of Skam France, the more nervous Axel felt.

Not that he ever expected the storm that was about to hit.

___

__

___

“They all say there must be something between you two” Mae says, sitting next to him on his grey sofa, holding Ouba in her arms, giving the little Pomeranian a hug, holding her close. Axel can hear the tears in her voice.

It's the beginning of February and the second episode of the series has been aired.

Axel knows, this is going to be difficult to explain.


	32. Chapter 32

He realizes he is going to have to buy himself a good pair of scissors, the nail clipper will just not do.

Since the brown box made of cardboard is difficult to open with all this tape covering it, Axel uses his teeth to try to rip it open. It smells like sweet perfume, with his nose on the material.

___

He needed to get a car ride to the agency earlier this morning to pick up the latest batch of fan mail, it just wasn’t possible to get it all on the scooter.

Actually, he couldn’t believe his eyes when stepping inside the door to UBBA Agency and neither could the personnel working there. It’s one thing getting some fan mail and he is not the first actor they ever represented, but the mail addressed to him is pouring in like water from the Niagara Falls, filling the postal room, piling up along the walls.

There were envelopes, big and small, white and colored, covered with hearts and pictures of raccoons and hedgehogs. And there were boxes, small ones and big ones, stacked on top of each other. The smell of perfume filled the room to such an extent Axel felt somewhat concerned for the future condition of his apartment.

He is lucky to have an apartment big enough to even contain all this stuff. Axel knows that is beginning to become an issue for Maxence in his much smaller place.

___

Sitting on the living room floor, finally getting the box open, spitting out tape stuck between his teeth, tasting the glue, Axel considers the hassle to be of an utmost welcomed kind.

Opening the lid of the box, Axel immediately calls out for Ouba who’s laying on her back sleeping on his sofa.

“Come, Ouba! Come here!”

Ouba raises her head slightly and looks at him with her small black eyes but drops it again, going back to her beauty sleep. Not interesting enough.

Axel figures he will give her the little soft hedgehog toy later on when she gets up, laying it in her dog bed next to the wall. It’s full of stuffed raccoons and hedgehogs by now, all sent to him by fans. Lucas being portrayed as a hedgehog in the series and Eliott as a raccoon, it seems to really have hit home with the audience.

Going back to the boxes, Axel picks up some multicolored hard candy thinking he will give that to his dad (he eats anything!), along with all the other edible stuff he gets in these packages. Candy sure tastes different from around the world, he has found this out by experience. 

The twelve page long letter in the bottom of the box is written on pink paper in a Korean language using a red ink pen. _This might get a bit difficult to comprehend_ Axel thinks, scrunching his eyebrows. He has learned to tell the difference between languages though, and _oh_ , there is the South Korean flag painted on the first page in between hearts drawn in red and “Je t’aime, Axel".

He needs to get more plastic baskets to store the letters in.

But before taking care of that he will call Maxence to talk about the content of today's post. They will probably cry a little together of pure happiness. Or is it exhaustion from reading and responding to all the letters.

Actually, he will first watch the next clip of the series. It was just posted, Axel knows because of the notification that popped up on the screen of his phone.

As he unlocks it, he can see 338 new messages on Instagram from fans all over the world, sent just in a couple of hours. Axel has decided he will read and answer every letter he gets, but, he figures, he might be forced to draw the line and not respond to all the messages on Instagram as well, or he will probably go nuts pretty soon.


	33. Chapter 33

“Just to help one single person, that was all I ever wanted” Maxence says, sitting by the small table by the wall in a corner, as far away from the other guests at the café as possible.

The fans are everywhere, making it difficult to be out where young people hang out without constantly being interrupted. Not that Axel minds, he loves his fans and generally he embraces it.

Today he wants to talk to Maxence though, feeling like he is the only person who truly understands what he is going through.

The attention has exploded since the drop of the piano scene, where Lucas plays RIOPY’s song I love you to Eliott.

Axel kind of understands why, having withdrawn to the bathroom during a dinner at Mae’s parent’s house just to check the clip when it was posted.

Sitting on the lid of the toilet by the big bubble bath, Axel had increased the volume of his phone as high as he dared to, figuring it was kind of a strange thing to be sitting in a bathroom watching a clip of himself and his soon to be fictitious boyfriend, while at dinner with his girlfriend. He really didn’t want her parents to hear the sound.

Watching the clip, the look on Maxence’ face when he sat on the sofa behind Axel, listening to him playing the piano, hit Axel in his gut like a fist during boxing.

He had never seen anyone looking at him like that before in his life. He had never seen anybody looking at anyone like that.

What he saw was pure admiration and love.

And it made his heart thump like crazy in his chest.

Leaving the bathroom, going back to the kitchen table where Mae and her parents were waiting, Axel was trembling.

___

“Some of the letters are so serious I don’t even know if I should laugh, cry or fall down dead -” Maxence says, between bites of his pain au chocolat. “It’s like we’ve opened Pandora’s box and now the whole world wants to tell me how our acting has helped them come to terms with their sexuality.”

Axel is laughing, high and bright. He so knows what Maxence means.

“I know -” Axel says, still laughing. “And Ouba has gotten so many dresses from the fans she dresses better than the Habib sisters now!”

“What have we done? -” Maxence ask, bending over the table in a fit of laughter, the skin around his eyes wrinkling and his blue eyes shining. “How did this even happen?”

Axel thinks about it, biting his lip. “That is a good question -” he says, calmer now, the question holding some seriousness. “We must have hit some kind of nerve in the public. Was it just time for this story? Maybe it was needed in this world of chaos?”

“I think so -” Maxence says, leaning back in his chair, wiping laughing tears from his eyes with his hand. “But it also comes with such a responsibility. I don’t even know if I’m equipped to deal with it.”

“That’s exactly how I feel -” Axel says truthfully, watching Maxence over the table. “Reading the stories written by people suffering because of their sexuality, oppressed, looking to us as being their only hope... really, I’m just an actor.”

“I know -” Maxence says. “I know…”

“But you know what -” Maxence grins and continues, eyes looking into Axel’s. “Let’s just hug them all.”

“Let’s” Axel says, smiling.


	34. Chapter 34

“It’s all over Instagram, Axel, everyone...everyone wants you to be with him, not with me!” Mae shouts in the middle of the street, standing next to the game hall where they were enjoying themselves not long ago.

It seems like it must have been in another lifetime.

Her eyes are big and angry and she quickly pulls her arm away, taking a step back, when Axel tries to reach for her.

“It’s quite enough that you’re out there hugging every girl in Paris -” Mae continues, tears brimming in her black eyes. “Am I suppose to deal with this too?” she asks, gesturing with both arms as to show the magnitude of the problem.

Axel, knowing she is hurt and angry as fuck wants nothing but to comfort her, but he knows instinctively that every effort would be met with more rage.

There is not much he can do.

So he resorts to crying, big tears running down his face, feeling completely useless, standing on the pavement for everyone's display.

“Can I have your autograph?” a blonde teenage girl suddenly asks, having snuck up behind him. She steps right in front of him, holding out a pen and a napkin for him to write on.

Axel looks at her, first not knowing what to say, almost reaching his hand out to get the pen.

“Can’t you see I’m crying?” Axel decides to ask a bit too abruptly, walking away, leaving Mae and the girl on the street.

Things are getting out of hand.

___

__

___

“I’m going to have to move -” Maxence says. “Or rent myself a storage room somewhere. What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this stuff?”

Axel is standing in the middle of Maxence’ small living room. Actually, it’s the only place where there’s enough place to be standing right now, since the apartment is covered in things sent from fans from all around the world.

“Yeah, this is a bit overwhelming” Axel points out, rubbing his forehead with his hand.

It’s quite a colorful mess he’s made.

Gazing over the room, shaking his head, Axel can see piles of pictures and paintings of Maxence himself, some pictures of Axel, jewelry looking like a snake, hats shaped as chickens, cows, raccoons, beer and what not, t-shirts with pictures of them kissing, capes with Maxence’ name on it, boxes and bags full of food (God knows what kind, the text on these things is in every language but French) and stuffed raccoons and hedgehogs in every size and shape, so many they could fill up a small ocean.

“Someone even named a star after me! -” Maxence says, holding out both his hands, palms up as though he wants to tell him he knows it’s crazy. “And I’m pretty sure I’m the owner of a koala bear living somewhere in Australia - I even got an adoption certificate with a photo of it!”

“It’s very cute, but I’m not sure what to do with it” Maxence adds, roaring with laughter because of the macabre of it all.

Axel laughs so hard he can not stand up straight.

___

“Let’s go buy you some boxes to store this in -” Axel says, after having calmed down enough to be able to speak. “And a pair of scissors, I saw you on Instagram chewing on your packages to get them open, I have at least learned that lesson.”

Stepping out of Maxence’ apartment, Axel takes one final look at the terrible mess inside.

“And maybe they’d like the hats at the Actors Factory?”

“That was the best idea I have ever heard” Maxence says, locking his door, laughing again.


	35. Chapter 35

“Are you sure there’s no...eh...feelings...there?”

It’s Axel’s best friend, sitting by his side on his grey sofa with a can of Coca-Cola in his hand, that’s asking.

He invited him to his place to show him a few clips from the show. Observing his friends face while he watched the first kissing scene in the rain and then the kissing scene in Lucas’ bed, rolling around in the sheets, talking about parallel universes, Axel knew the question was coming.

He knew, because he could see the question in everybody’s face, eyes narrowing, faces serious. Some people just chose not to actually ask.

Axel doesn't know what he prefers.

It’s awkward either way.

He just tags along in the pretend game, trying to look like the question is okay, that it's all okay.

Even though it’s not.

___

__

___

The world must just be starving for love, that’s the only reasonable conclusion Axel manages to make out of this.

It’s not only young people that are contacting him. There are older ones too. Moms and grandmothers, thanking him for making them believe in love again, awakening well hidden emotions of lust and passion just by watching the tenderness and the true love portrayed in the series by Lucas and Eliott (and in real life between Axel and Maxence!), making it possible for them to connect with themselves and their spouses in a way they haven’t for a long time or maybe never.

Like they’ve said something that’s never been said before.

Done something completely new.

The strangest part of that, Axel thinks, is that it’s a remake of a series. It has been done before.

So, it must be them, Axel and Maxence.

They say he is a rising talent, meant for a great career up there with the very best of actors.

That he is going to win all kinds of awards for his work.

It makes him proud of course, but it also gives him a growing feeling of being a fraud. Not because he thinks he is a bad actor, but because that’s what you feel like when you get recognition for being great.

And the sheer responsibility of being other people’s hope and comfort lies like a weight on top of Axel’s small shoulders. It’s as though he has ended up with a pile of dirty clothes in his arms, having nowhere to put them.

Listening to Coline, one of the actors in the series, holding her in his arms while she was crying and talking about how she got a message from a girl, thanking her for being the reason for her coming out to her parents, but later finding out she killed herself because her parents had disowned her, did not make things easier for Axel.

It’s not like they were taught how to handle this in acting school, Axel thinks to himself. They learned how to read lines, how to use your own emotions, how to be brave and how to be real. But this, handling fans who travel in groups from China to meet him, approaching him with cameras and selfie sticks, reading a letter from a young girl from Finland who tells him about how he saved her from anxiety and years of isolation.

No one taught him how to handle this.

He just wants to hug them, thinking it’s all he can do, thanking them for their support, for their love.

And while he hugs them he thinks about Mae, his girlfriend who gets to share him with the world. He can’t even talk to her about it without them getting into an argument, with no turning back.

The only one he can talk to, that he wants to talk to, is Maxence. Maxence, who he is thinking about constantly, missing him so much he is sure his heart has burned a hole right through his shirt by now.

And he is feeling bad about that too.

___

__

___

Sitting in his living room, back on his grey sofa, the laptop on his knees, watching Maxence’ latest live video on Instagram, the thought _who are all these people_ , goes through his mind.

Maxence has made a habit of this, posting photos or videos of him collecting his mail from his agency and later on posting a live video on Instagram where he sits on his small sofa in his apartment and opens boxes after boxes and envelopes after envelopes, pulling out letters, stuffed toys and every other gift imaginable. It’s kind of a service to the audience, a thank you for being loved.

Axel could never do this, sitting in front of the camera wearing chicken hats and trying on t-shirts with pictures of himself making out on the front. He knows it’s not easy for Maxence either. Actually it’s pretty damn difficult, considering his social anxiety, and he drinks coffee and smokes constantly while talking and unwrapping (or biting, he still hasn’t bought himself a pair of scissors) to handle the stress.

Trying to read the quickly passing live feed on the screen, where people from all around the world writes “hi Maxence” “I love you” or “speak Russian”, he can see Maxence unpacking a small pillbox sent from some Asian country to bring him health.

“I’m not taking that, damn it!” Maxence says into the screen and Axel can’t help but shake his head. He is so blunt, every thought just comes pouring out of his mouth. _It’s both a curse and a blessing_ , Axel thinks before resorting to writing a “hello, get naked” in the live feed, just to make sure Maxence knows he is there if he needs him.

“AXEEL” Maxence howls at the computer screen when he sees Axel’s message.

Axel shakes his head again.

Watching the live video come to its end ( _thank God!_ ), Axel slides a disc in the DVD player, presses the ON button on the remote and sits back down on his sofa.

This is what he needs. It’s like comfort food.

___

“What the fuck are you watching, man?”

Axel jerks up from the pillow on the sofa where he must have dozed off. The rough voice startled him.

Maxence is standing in front of him, between the TV and the sofa. His big eyes turns from the TV to Axel and back again.

“It’s Oui Oui -” Axel says while sitting himself back up, rubbing his eyes with his hands, as though it’s obvious who the wooden cartoon boy on the TV is and why he is watching this program. “My all time favorite TV series!”

“Do I need to worry?” Maxence asks, looking like he doesn’t know if he is supposed to laugh or be concerned.

___

For years to come Axel will remember this, waking up on his sofa to Oui Oui playing on the TV, Maxence standing in his living room watching him, as a moment that changed the course of his life.


	36. Chapter 36

“What if we're making it worse? If we’re making people kill themselves?” Axel asks, sitting on the sofa next to Maxence, leaning forward with his face in his hands.

Maxence looks at him, face serious, also bending forward on the sofa to be able to see Axel’s face. He says nothing.

It seems like Mae was the one who let Maxence into his apartment, having found him sleeping on the sofa not wanting to wake him up, she had left for her parent’s house again.

“What if we push them to come out because of this series...and they do...not really being ready to deal with the consequences?” Axel continues, turning his head to look into Maxence’ kind blue eyes.

“Yeah, it sure ain't no picnic coming out of the closet, I know that now -” Maxence says, nodding his head slightly.

“I worry too you know.”

“Someone should give them the tools to handle this -” Axel says. “And I’m not sure I am the guy who has them”, he goes on, shaking his head, searching for answers in Maxence’ face.

“I hug them all but can’t even remember most of their faces” Axel says, turning his face away again, watching his own hands rubbing together on his knees.

He can feel the tears burning in his eyes.

“Hey…-” Maxence says softly. “Come here.” And he reaches his arm out, pulling Axel in towards his chest.

Axel leans into the warmth of Maxence’ body, his face in the crook of his soft neck. He can feel his entire body relaxing, breath slowing down, attaching his own arms around Maxence’ waist, holding on to his white t-shirt. 

He doesn't even remember when he felt this good last.

His mouth is so close to Maxence’ skin, if only he could taste that warm velvet on his neck just a little bit, rubbing his nose into his rough jaw.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Maxence asks, pulling away just enough to detach from the hug, eyes suddenly seem black. Their thighs are still touching, Axel can feel the warmth of his leg through the fabric of his jeans.

“Yes, let’s” Axel says, trying to pull himself together.

“Oui Oui?” Maxence asks, grinning slightly, teeth showing.

“I don’t want to make you suffer.”

“Believe me, I’m not suffering” Maxence says, chin down, looking into Axel’s eyes.

___

“I wake up every morning wondering when the bubble will burst and everyone will figure out I’m not as good as they thought” Axel says. 

They’re still on Axel’s grey sofa, sitting as they did once before, Axel facing the TV and Maxence leaning on the backrest with his legs in Axel’s lap.

Axel loves this, just being able to hold his hands on Maxence’ jeans makes him feel calm in a way he hasn’t for days, weeks maybe (could it be months?).

“You really shouldn’t worry about that, Axel, you’re established, and you are the best actor I’ve ever met. There will always be jobs for you out there -” Maxence answers. “And keeping this up, I don’t think anyone can, I’m sure this is a once in a lifetime experience having fans screaming for us and sending us stuff.”

“Yeah, you’re right...the success just gets mixed up with the pressure somehow. I don’t know if it’s just me, or the unrealistic mental images of me that some of the fans have” Axel goes on.

It feels so nice just talking like this.

“I’m human...just a human. We both are.”

“Hmm…-” Maxence seems to be thinking about what Axel just said.

“You know, you don’t need to pretend to be happy when you’re not” Maxence says, leaning forward from the backrest of the sofa, legs still in Axel’s lap.

“I know you’re hurting sometimes, I can see it in your eyes even though you are smiling”.

His eyes are so blue and kind.

“I tend to do that -” Axel says, rolling his eyes at himself. “Make jokes to hide how I’m feeling. It’s a way to protect myself” he adds shaking his head, wanting to explain it to Maxence. He knows how stupid it is.

“But you know what? From now on, I’ll at least be honest about the fact that it’s what I’m doing!” Axel states.

Maxence smiles softly and leans on the backrest again.

___

“And what about you, Maxe, how are you doing in all this?” Axel asks.

It’s dark outside now and dark inside Axel’s apartment, no one wanting to get up to turn on a lamp, only light coming from the TV.

Neither of them have seen the action movie rolling on the screen.

Axel could gladly sit here for the rest of his life.

“I loved everything about making the series” Maxence responds slowly.

Maxence looks at him for a moment, it seems like he’s contemplating about how to answer the question.

“I miss you” he says, lifting his chin up to look directly into Axel’s eyes.

“You mean you miss Lucas?” Axel asks, a bit surprised, not knowing how to interpret what he just heard.

“No, I miss you” Maxence says quietly, voice frank and honest.

Axel suddenly feels like he is under water, ears filled with gushing sounds. His arms are like heavy anchors along his sides, it seems like they are useless for swimming up to the surface.

“You?” Maxence asks, blinking, still leaning on the backrest of the sofa. Axel can hardly hear him through the muffling sound in his ears, but he can see that Maxence is nervous.

The question is filled with possibilities and want.

Axel is quiet for a moment, trying to calm his body down, knowing this is the time when he needs to make a choice, not wanting to make the wrong one, or for the wrong reasons.

“Ever since I met you, you’re the only one that matters” Axel says, looking up, locking his eyes on Maxence’. He is acutely aware of the fact that his hands are laying on top of Maxence’ legs.

He is sure Maxence knows the meaning of what he just said, it being a phrase used by Eliott and delivered to Lucas in the series.

 _Fuck_ , his heart is pounding out of his chest, he can physically feel himself trembling.

Maxence just gazes at him, sitting very still on the sofa, eyes dark.

Axel waits.

“Please, don’t bite your lip like that” Maxence finally says, looking at Axel, mouth slightly open, eyes big.

“What?” Axel asks, looking up, meeting Maxence’ gaze, eyes narrowing.

“Stop biting your fucking lip” Maxence repeats rapidly, the dark tone in his voice is obvious now, sound almost scratching. Dark serious eyes turning from Axel’s mouth, to his eyes and back again.

Axel’s entire body is suddenly freezing, or maybe it’s burning, either way it’s all consuming. His heart is hammering furiously in his chest, stomach turning, clenching as the sudden warmth pools in between his legs.

He bites down on his lip again, so hard he can taste the draw of blood, not turning his eyes from Maxence’ for a second.

The goddamn air in the room is buzzing.

And then it all goes silent.


	37. Chapter 37

The next thing Axel can hear is the sound of them kissing.

Axel doesn’t know who lunged first. All he knows is that he somehow ended up under Maxence, lying squished against the sofa, arms and legs everywhere.

And Maxence’ wet tongue deep, deep in his longing mouth.

This kiss feels totally different from the first soft and searching kiss in Maxence’ apartment and all those many kisses while acting.

This is Maxence, pretty much eating at his face, inhaling him, swallowing him whole as though he’s afraid he’ll run out.

And the sounds that rattle through the quiet dark living room, that comes from the wetness of their mouths, their searching, licking tongues.

And their heavy breathing, fast, shallow and irregular because of their furiously beating hearts, pounding against each other, lying chest to chest.

He kisses Maxence so hard it hurts, teeth smashing, clutching his neck while wrapped up in Maxence’ arms.

And when Maxence slides his hand behind his back, under his t-shirt, warm palm soothing his skin, Axel can hear himself moan as he arches his back to get closer.

Maxence holds him tight with his strong arm, breathes in his ear and then pulls back sitting up between his legs. He is so astoundingly beautiful, hair wild, eyes dark, that Axel fills with a breathtaking need for more.

“Off -” Axel exhales. “Off” as he raises Maxence’ t-shirt up and pulls it over his head.

“Those too” Maxence says, bending forward over Axel, stroking with his fingers along his belly, down to his navel, before fiddling with his belt and pulling his pants and boxers down.

Maxence stands up, strips and stays still for a moment, sitting naked on his knees between Axel’s legs in the darkness, glistening eyes gazing over Axel’s naked body, strong arms to his bare sides.

“God, you’re beautiful” he says, soft and dark, eyes locked on his and Axel knows he means it, chest filling with warmth.

Bending over Axel again, slower this time, Maxence starts from the bottom, playing with the thin hair directly above his erection, using his tongue, his lips and his hands searching for the most sensitive spots on his body, soft hair falling down on his chest, kissing his navel, playing with his nipples until they are hard and aching and his body is painted in goosebumps.

Mouthing and breathing the soft skin under Axel’s jaw, leaving kisses on his neck and sucking at the lobe of his ear, Maxence is covering him completely with his body. With Maxence’ hand in his hair holding him in place, Axel squirms and out of his mouth comes hums and breaths.

Finally being able to kiss and lick the soft warm velvet on his neck and rubbing his nose into his rough jaw, Axel closes his eyes and smells his warm scent. He clings to Maxence, legs attached to his sides, Maxence’ erection pressing against his belly, feeling how hard he is, realizing he has never done this before, wanting it so bad with every fiber of his being.

When Maxence suddenly attaches his strong arms around Axel’s body and lifts him up chest to chest, Axel finds himself being turned around and laid down against the only backrest of the sofa.

Half sitting, Maxence between his legs, both panting, faces filled with lust, lips parted, they stare silently into each other’s eyes and smile.

As Axel intently drags his fingers along his hard shaft, base to tip and exhales, Maxence, not turning his eyes away, reaches out and grabs them both in his fist, slowly stroking them, eyes pitch black, making Axel’s mouth open and head drop back.

Holding on to Maxence’ waist with one hand, he braces himself with the other one on the sofa and slowly starts fucking Maxence’ hand as he does the same, until they find a steady rhythm. 

Watching Maxence half closed eyes and blushing face, hearing the sound of his soft groans, the feeling of heat in his pelvis explodes and spreads throughout his body. When the pleasure makes it difficult to sit up, Axel drops his head against Maxence, leaning on his chest, holding on to his hair, moaning into his ear.

Hearing Maxence swear while moving his fist up and down, Axel, knowing he won’t last long, but wanting more, exhales “it feels so good, baby” and “please don’t stop, baby”...

...and “I’m...I’m going to…”

And then, panting in Maxence’ mouth, Axel, uttering the most guttural sound, comes in white stripes on his stomach, so hard that stars burst in his vision.

Leaning towards Axel and stroking himself, Maxence, whispering “fuck, ah...fuck...Axel” in his ear, voice broken, follows not long after, making Axel shiver with content.

___

Lying in his bed in the middle of the night, wrapped in darkness, his back against Maxence’ chest, Maxence’ arms tightly wrapped around him and his nose buried in the crook of his neck, Axel starts crying.

It felt so good what they did.

It felt so good and so right.

He knows he wants to do it again.

That and more.

And it breaks his heart.

As a flood of tears flow down his face, wetting his pillow while he can’t help the slobbering sounds and his shaking chest, Maxence pulls him even closer, naked body to naked body.

He can feel Maxence’ tears on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now when you've read THAT I want to tell you the reason for me writing my fic. 
> 
> What I want to tell the world is, whatever your preferences are - it’s beautiful!
> 
> What I mean by that is that our sexuality is such an important part of us all. We all have it, we all need it, but the expression of it takes different forms.
> 
> And whatever you like, if it’s men or women, shoes, womens clothing, rough or soft, fiction or physical touch and no matter if you consider yourself being heterosexual, gay, bi, pan or trans - you have the right to be who you are and feel what you feel. 
> 
> So, be proud of who you are!
> 
>  
> 
> If you like my fic - press the kudos button and send me a comment.
> 
> And thank you so much for all your support, I value each and every one of your kudos and comments! 
> 
> Thank you, really, for listening.


	38. Chapter 38

The thing about Axel is that he truly wants to be a good guy.

And good guys don’t cheat on their girlfriends.

So, when Axel wakes up in his bed, early in the soft morning light, knowing something is wrong even before opening his eyes and a moment later finding the other side of the bed where Maxence laid last night empty, nothing but cold rumpled sheets and noticing Maxence’s text sent just an hour earlier - _“Sorry I left, I just needed to take care of something”_ he doesn’t know what to reply.

The only response he comes up with and that he taps into his phone, is _“Ok, talk later”_.

He feels confused not knowing where Maxence is, he is hurt because he left, but also somewhat relieved.

Pulling on his black boxers and getting out of the bed he does however remember how close Maxence held him during the night ( _so close, oh God…_ ).

And drinking his black coffee sitting by his kitchen table as every morning, trying not to make such a big deal out of what happened, he can’t shake the thought of how his entire body shivered when Maxence slid his warm hand onto his bare skin, kissing and licking his neck with his wet tongue and sucking at his ear lobe.

He'd never felt anything like that before, he couldn't get close enough, like the air was burning and his head was spinning when they kissed. He had lost track of everything besides the way he was feeling, because he _felt_ it and because he could see that Maxence felt it too. It had been so good he couldn’t help but squirm and sigh under the weight of Maxence’ body.

Going to the grocery store, because he has nothing but butter and beer in his refrigerator, walking the isles holding his carrier, Axel’s stomach is squirming with the thought of his heartbeat having dropped to his dick, throbbing against Maxence’ belly with the sighing sound coming out of Maxence’ mouth, touching his chest and his nipples, kissing his neck and his jaw and his soft wet mouth.

Back home, cooking his chicken, slowly eating his dinner, Axel feels the sensation on his body when Maxence’ strong fingers reached around them both, making him gasp for air, feeling like his body was electrified, knowing instantly that he wanted more than this, things he had never even considered wanting before.

Sitting alone on his grey sofa during the evening, knowing where they’d kissed the night before, he closes his eyes and sighs as he remembers the feeling of how the world dropped away at the sensation of the flesh of Maxence’ butt when he finally grabbed it in his hands, lying squished under him, panting in unison, all naked with Maxence’ erection against his stomach. And, _God_ , the sight of them both wrapped tight in Maxence' fist, when he tipped their foreheads together and made him watch just before they came. He knows he _wanted_ it.

And when slipping down under his sheets late in the evening he remembers the feeling of getting in bed together, the warmth under the cover, feeling Maxence naked against his back and butt and the shape of Maxence fitting between his cheeks.

___

Waking up far too early in the morning, still dark outside, after a night full of restless dreams of Maxence’ touch and taste and smell, Axel knows -

He wants to wake up with Maxence in the mornings, so bad.

More than that, he wants to go to bed with him in the evenings, laying tight together, wrapped in his arms.

It’s like Maxence has taken over his entire consciousness, poured into his veins, leaving no room for Axel himself.

Axel knows nothing will ever be the same.

He also has no fucking idea of what’s going to happen next, or what to do. He doesn’t even know why Maxence left in the morning.

And _god dammit_ , he is feeling so turned on again, he can’t even think about Maxence without getting an erection.


	39. Chapter 39

 

___

“Every teenager out there is so lucky, because when I was 17 my story was like Lucas’ and I didn’t know how to come out of the closet, I was completely desperate, very sad -” the man in the audience says with all seriousness and honesty “and when I came home, there was not a show on TV that defended this, that could tell me that I wasn’t crazy -”.

Axel, listening to what he is saying, standing lined up at the podium in the theater next to Maxence and together with David and the rest of the cast, feels like he is going to burst into tears at any moment.

“It’s beautiful what you’re doing -” the man continues “because it will help millions of teenagers, boys and girls, straight and gay, to respect each other.”

Looking at the cast and Maxence beside him, Axel can see he is not the only one affected by this, actually they are all crying.

And they all leave the stage and run into the audience to hug the sobbing man standing in the crowd.

 _We did this_ , Axel thinks, holding his arms tight around both the man and an equally crying Maxence, who gazes into his eyes, smiling while tears are streaming down his face from across the man's shoulders.

Axel realizes that the expression on Maxence’ face is mirrored in his own. Yet he has no concept of what Maxence is feeling. Is he hugging him, clutching his one arm, solely because he’s emotional because of the man’s story, or does he do it because he craves his touch as much as Axel? And is he crying because he feels the man’s pain and his experiences and because he is proud to be a part of making a real change for those who need it, or is he crying, as Axel, hurting because of what he can not allow himself to have?

___

The event itself had scared Axel going into it.

David had not let any of the cast members watch the clips before they aired. Axel understands why of course, but on a day like this, it makes him feel angry.

Sitting in front of a big movie screen, hundreds of fans watching him kiss another man, Maxence, in the rain, in his bed and then crying, sobbing sitting on the pavement after having broken his hand, is seriously out of his comfort zone and makes his stomach turn into a knot. It’s not even the man part that makes him most nervous, but being stripped bare, physically as much as mentally and showing that kind of intimacy for the world to see is terrifying.

Wanting to make sure Maxence knows they’re in this together, Axel, while the first part of the episode starts rolling on the screen, leans to his left and tucks his head towards Maxence’, before sitting up straight again.

He can see Maxence’ soft smile.

The vulnerability he is being exposed to watching the episode roll on, hearing people reacting to them kissing, is immense. Axel just feels so much, for the story, for Maxence, for the reception they have received and are getting tonight. The crowd is “ooo-ing” and “aaah-ing”, clapping their hands, shouting their names and when Lucas cries, Axel believes, listening to the sound in the room, there must be hundreds of people in there with tears falling down their faces.

What Axel really would like to do is to reach out and hold Maxence’ hand, stroke it with his thumb, to comfort himself, to comfort Maxence and to show him that his heart is beating for him.

He would like to show him that he wants this.

Instead, realizing he knows nothing about where the fuck they’re at ( _in their relationship?_ ), he tries to smooth his expression and look like the images on the screen and the crowds cheering don’t affect him much. At least it makes him feel a little less exposed.

What no one knows is that he is feeling as though his heart is going to burst. All the anticipation, all the memories from the shootings with Maxence, the empowering love, the screaming passion and the lightning of rage mixed with all the support they are given, swells up from deep inside and fills his chest, making his heart brim over, not entirely visible for others eyes, but surely felt by Axel.

So, when Axel and Maxence are hugging the man who just told his heartbreaking story, Axel is relieved he has a reason to cry.

Gazing at Maxence, he quietly wonders how Maxence is feeling, how he’s doing, how all this affects his sensitive heart.

Before going to this thing, the screening, Axel himself had felt so nervous his stomach hurt and his hands trembled. Knowing Maxence, it was no surprise to Axel he also had difficulties to cope with the situation. He knows he must be in pain.

He decides he’ll ask. But not right now. He really doesn’t want to do anything that could add on to Maxence’ burning anxiety.

He just wishes Maxence would let him be there for him.

___

Standing outside the theater in the midst of hundreds of people, all wanting to talk to him, to tell him their stories of how he has helped them feel less lonely, trying to look at each and everyone in their eyes, giving warm hugs, accepting gifts and signing autographs, Axel can see Maxence quietly watching him out of the corner of his eye.

Axel, just about to hug a teenage girl who smiles at him as though he is her sun, pauses in his movement and looks back at Maxence’ blue eyes.

He seems serious, blinks once at him almost unnoticeable and then his face shifts into a bright smile only because another fan comes forward wanting his autograph.

The moment is gone. And in front of Axel, there is a line of people, all wanting a piece of him.

And actually, Axel loves this. He loves the attention, the validation for doing a good job. He also realizes that what they’ve done together has affected so many people, maybe a whole generation of youth, giving them a way to find themselves and accept their sexuality knowing there is support out there.

Besides that he knows he and Maxence need to talk.

He just needs to talk to all these people first who have come here to meet him.

___

Walking through the crowd a couple of hours later, desperately looking for Maxence, he can’t find him anywhere.

He has left again.

And he didn’t even say goodbye.

_For fucks sake._


	40. Chapter 40

_TOP 10 on Skam France fics!!_

_It’s pretty amazing, and all thanks to you readers - right now this fic, when searching on hits on ao3 (among in total 769 fics!), is on the TOP 10 fic list in the Skam France fandom!_

_THANK YOU so so much for reading and keep it up, and I’ll keep writing my story about the beauty of love!_

_At any time, send me kudos and comments - I love them!!_

_And, yes, I know you want next chapter ;) Great things come to those who wait :)_


	41. Chapter 41

Another sleepless night later, not being able to think about anything but Maxence and his gentle hands, his beautiful skin, his slick tongue sliding against his own...

...how Maxence felt against his belly when he wanted him…

...Axel’s nerves are on the outside of his prickly skin.

Actually, he is pacing about in his apartment not being able to stay still for a second, constantly wriggling his fingers, moving his body, wandering around because of his agonizing uneasiness.

And standing on his living room floor after the fifth walk with Ouba since this morning, trying to calm himself down, listening to his stomach growling as a result of him not being able to eat _(this is just ridiculous!_ ), Axel thinks he can’t go on like this a minute longer or he will go into complete madness.

Axel knows that there are two potential outcomes in talking to Maxence, and they are equally terrifying. 

He doesn't even know what he fears the most; Maxence wanting to kiss him again, or the fact that he might not want to kiss him at all and holds him at bay because of it.

Looking down at Ouba, staring at him with her small black exhausted eyes as though she’s wondering if she can finally go lay in her dog bed, Axel makes the judgement that even if reaching out to Maxence (again) means he needs to swallow his pride, at least, it can not get much worse than this.

_Right?_

___

Watching Maxence’ facial expression when he opens the door to his apartment, realizing it is Axel who is standing outside, wanting to be let it, shifting from foot to foot with his helmet in his hand, would have been funny in any other circumstance.

Maxence’ face, seeing Axel with hair standing in every direction and blue eyes wild with rage and desire and fear, drops and turns completely white.

“Axel -” he exhales, arms hanging limp to his sides, eyes as big as saucers. “Wha...what?”

The words coming out of his mouth are getting caught in stutters on the way out.

___

“Why the fuck did you leave?” Axel almost spits out the question, equal amounts of rage and nerves filling his pounding chest.

His entire body is shaking, shivering with adrenaline, fists clenching.

Maxence stands almost hunched over in the hallway, looking like a hollow shadow, staring at Axel as though he’s seen a ghost.

“Why the fuck did you leave?” Axel repeats, tone high pitched, demanding an answer, stepping closer to Maxence.

He is so goddamn angry he could...! Just wring his neck…!

“I...I’d just...I…” Maxence stutters, shaking his head and looking like he has no idea what to say, like there’s not a single explanation for him disappearing on Axel like a goddamn teenager, twice!

“You could have just told me you aren’t interested” Axel says, himself thinking he sounds pitiful, suddenly feeling sad and lonely and losing his power, tired eyes are brimming with tears standing there in the small hallway, not even being let into the fucking apartment.

Maxence looks at him, holding his eyes, face plagued with sadness and finally he whispers “because I don’t want to hurt you'', big tears falling from his blue eyes, wetting his cheeks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Axel asks, calmer now, confused by the tears and relieved by the fact that Maxence finally is speaking.

“You...you cried the entire night after we...we…” Maxence says, voice cracking, holding his palms up as though that makes for a valid explanation.

“But you did too!” Axel says, also waving his arms, raising his voice again.

“Yes, because I’m hurting you! I don’t want that!” Maxence shouts, sounding as though there’s nothing more important in his life.

“You are not hurting me! -” Axel says forcefully, taking a step closer to Maxence. “I was crying because I want you so bad it fucking makes me lose my mind!” Axel blurts out, stomach suddenly clenching.

Now Axel is crying too.

Maxence goes completely silent, two young men standing in the small hallway opposite each other, hairs wild, faces striped by tears, staring each other down like there’s no tomorrow, both knowing they're standing at a pathway that can change the course of their lives.

Axel can suddenly see something change in Maxence’ eyes and then he takes a single step towards Axel.

“Get the fuck over here” he says, voice dark and raw.

It’s obvious to Axel where this is going, and he wants it so bad, craving it down deep in his longing heart. To touch him, to feel him, to taste him, it’s all he wants and wants to continue doing for as long as humanly possible.

Looking at Maxence’ black eyes and slightly open mouth, chest heaving where he stands, Axel is pretty sure Maxence hungers for the same.

Axel’s helmet clanks to the wooden floor.

They meet in the middle of the hallway, in an embrace so tight it knocks the air out of Axel’s lungs.


	42. Chapter 42

It’s only a matter of half a second when Maxence shoved Axel against the wall, hovering over him, grabbing his face, pressing his body against his, so hard Axel feels he might go flat.

Axel is still shivering, trembling all over, because of the adrenaline and the desire that is coursing through every part of his raging body.

Axel opens his mouth to let Maxence in, lets him lick into it, sucking, kissing him hard, roaming his hands on Maxence’ back already under the t-shirt, hands against his warm skin.

They know each other by now, have learned to interpret each other’s signals and feeling Maxence’ hand thread through his hair, the other one still holding his chin, one thigh pressing, grinding against the growing pounding sensation between his legs, making Axel groan softly into Maxence’ mouth, he knows, Maxence is taking the lead.

Having longed for Maxence with every inch of his existence, not knowing where all this might lead, worried, anxious and needing more than he got the last time on Axel’s sofa and knowing Maxence has been in pain all along, not wanting to hurt him, Axel’s heart swells like a balloon.

He pushes his tongue into Maxence’ mouth one more time while stroking him on the back, then he pulls back, biting his lower lip slightly while looking up into Maxence’ lust filled eyes.

“Please, baby, let me take care of you -” Axel says softly, looking straight into his eyes, knowing it’s all he wants to do, that he needs to do right now, hoping, almost begging, he will let him.

Maxence stops in his movement and gazes into Axel’s eyes, both panting, still standing so close almost every part of their bodies are touching.

“Let me do this for you” Axel breathes, stroking his chin with a gentle thumb.

Maxence blinks his eyes and nods once, cheeks blushing and face serious.

Axel, suddenly feeling completely calm, chest filled with overpowering warmth, knowing they have all the time in the world, moves his fingers from Maxence’ chin and gently brushes a lock of hair from his forehead, before he leans slightly forward and kisses Maxence’ eyelids, tenderly nuzzling his nose into the streaks of tears still visible on his chin.

He wants to comfort him so bad, make him feel good, kiss away his pain, soothe his burning skin and make him shiver with lust, because they’re finally together and because it’s all he ever wants for Maxence.

Reaching down to his mouth again, Axel slowly, gently, deeply sucks on his tongue and his lips, feeling the roaring urge to get closer, as close as it gets, awakening again in his body.

Knowing he has the power, he smiles, looks into Maxence’ deep blue half opened eyes and then drops to his knees on the wooden floor.

Maxence looks down with big surprised eyes. “Yo...you don’t need t…” he says, stuttering.

“I want to -” Axel says, gazing up into his eyes. “I want to taste you”.

Maxence inhales heavily and his body relaxes as he closes his eyes, letting his arms fall to his sides as he leans against the wall.

___

Knowing Maxence is only his now, his to have and touch and feel and taste for as long as he wants, Axel, realizing this is a position he’s never been in before, raises his trembling hands and undoes Maxence’ buttoned fly.

Feeling his knees hurt against the hard floor, Axel stands up pulling Maxence by the hand and, feeling the sensation of his blood pooling crotch straining on the inside of his tight jeans, says “come” leading him to his bed, close by in his tiny apartment.

Standing opposite to each other by the bed, hands intertwined, Axel releases his grip and glides his hands under Maxence’ t-shirt to pull it over his head.

Glancing down at Maxence’ crotch, seeing Maxence’ length pressing against his jeans, feeling the burning urge, Axel can’t help but lick his lips as he glides his hand from Maxence’ beautiful chest, feeling every hard muscle on his way down until he reaches the fine hair, slipping his fingertips under the stretching waistband of his boxers.

Hearing Maxence catch a trembling breath, noticing he almost bucks against his hand, Axel looks up to see his face as Maxence closes his eyes and then in one movement Axel pushes down Maxence’ jeans and underwear, leaving them at his knees.

As Maxence steps out of the pile of clothes, Axel quickly pulls his own t-shirt over his head and pulls down his boxers and jeans.

“Lie down” he says, looking into Maxence’ eyes, standing completely naked in front of each other, almost close enough for their blood filled crotches to touch. Maxence quickly sits down, scoots back on the bed and lies down on his back.

___

Crawling on the soft mattress over Maxence’ naked body, seeing his full erection as he stops between his legs, hovering with his arms beside his chest and his face over Maxence’, Axel is sure, he has never in his life seen anything so beautiful or craved anyone as bad as this.

There is not a single piece of him that’s hesitant, all he wants is Maxence.

Looking into Maxence’ anticipating dark eyes, Maxence clutching onto Axel’s biceps, nails digging into the skin, knowing he knows what’s to come, Axel sees his slightly open mouth and heaving chest, body spread out for him on the white sheet, only for him to see and touch and he knows Maxence wants it too.

Axel needs to touch it all, feel it all, taste it all, every last part of Maxence, so he does.

Face above Maxence’, Axel leans down and kisses his thick lips, deep and passionate, both sighing and moving their mouths together, ready to surrender to each other and enjoy the burning yearning sensations of their connecting naked bodies.

Axel slides down on the bed between Maxence’ sprawling legs while kissing the soft skin under his jaw and gliding his hand down his chest, kissing his nipples until they harden and licking and nibbling his way down to Maxence’ pulsating hard on. Looking up he sees Maxence bite his lip and his chest moving in and out.

It feels so good to Axel, so right and so true, heart pounding and blood rushing in his ears.

Wanting Maxence to want it, to crave it as bad as him, he dips further down on the bed, runs his hands on Maxence’ hairy legs from the wrists to his sensitive inner thigh. Hearing him exhale and open his legs even more he kisses the _mardi_ inked on Maxence's right kneecap with his wet tongue.

“Please” Maxence breathes, squirming on the bed, pulling his legs up and down on the sheet.

“Please, what?” Axel asks, taunting him, wanting to hear the words coming from his mouth.

“Please, touch me” Maxence says, a heavy breath coming from his mouth as he arches his back feeling the sensation of Axel’s soft tongue close to where he wants it.

“I’ll take care of you” Axel says gently as he closes his hand around Maxence’ balls.

“Aah!” Maxence exhales and as Axel grips the base of his shaft with his other hand, he locks his eyes on Maxence’, says “look at me, I want you to see” and starts moving his fist.

Maxence, closing his eyes quickly, takes a trembling breath and looks into Axel’s eyes again.

“Yes” he says, almost unnotable, and bucks his hips up to meet the movement of the slowly sliding fist holding his glistening, red shaft.

Axel, wanting to taste, bends over Maxence and licks at the slit, tasting the slippery leaking liquid and then, hearing Maxence’ “aaaaahhh”, he opens his lips wide and takes the head into his mouth.

Partly using his hand and partly nibbing and nipping at the shaft, Maxence gasps and breathes. And gently licking, sucking at the head while still holding his balls in his hand, Axel looks up and meets Maxence’ eyes, hearing him whine.

He wants to see every emotion in Maxence’ expressive eyes.

Tightening his grip, increasing the speed and twisting his hand, Maxence gasps “ah fuck” and “oh God”, takes a tight grip of Axel’s hair and all Axel can think of is the pure beauty in front of him, chest rising an falling, lips red from kissing, hair wild, skin flushed and legs sprawled to the sides.

Half laying between Maxence’ legs, hearing the sounds coming from Maxence’ mouth, seeing Maxence naked underneath him, knowing he makes him feel this good, squirming on the sheet, Axel can feel his own erection against the surface, gliding, grinding himself down, enjoying the friction, giving him some relief.

It feels so good like this.

So good to watch and hear Maxence come apart under his tongue and touch, writhing, panting and groaning in pleasure.

Taking a breath and wrapping his mouth around the head again, pulling all the way off him before taking him deep into his throat, flicking his tongue in circles around the head, Maxence almost shouts “Aaaaahhh -”, hips jerking up erratically in Axel’s mouth, his moans are constant now.

Sliding down, tightening his lips around the shaft and sucking hard on the way back up, Maxence looking completely wrecked, gasps:

“I’m...I’m going to…”

And just as Axel pops his mouth off the head and switches to use his fist again, stroking it up and down on his shaft, Maxence closes his eyes, drops his mouth open, sobs out and stops in his movement as he comes, white sticky mess, all over Axel’s hand.

Totally done for, only hearing Maxence’ sounds had been enough, but after kissing, licking, tasting and grinding on the sheet, it only takes Axel four strokes with his come covered hand sitting on his knees to the side of Maxence’ chest, watching him watching him, until he comes so hard, exhaling a stuttering moan as white liquid pools on Maxence’ stomach.

While trying to catch their breath, Maxence reaches his hand out, pulling Axel towards him by his shoulder. “Come here” he whispers.

And Axel crawls down beside Maxence, head on his shoulder and arm on his beating heart.

The only sound in the room is their steady breaths.


	43. Chapter 43

“What does this even mean?” Axel asks, sitting up in the bed, crossing his legs beside Maxence who is lying next to him.

They’ve been lying close, close in the bed for the last hour, nuzzling their noses together, stroking each other’s arms and chests and sides, kissing lightly, talking about nothing and everything at the same time.

Axel feels like he could stay here forever, smelling Maxence’ sweet scent, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes filled with tenderness, feeling his warmth, having his full attention.

It’s like being in a cocoon, this bed in this tiny apartment only made for them, the outside world making no difference whatsoever.

It might be the growing feeling of needing something to eat, stomach rumbling, that pulls Axel up into the real world again and makes him sit up in the bed, asking the question. Or maybe it’s just the fact that the question needs to be asked and answered that makes him do it.

“What do you mean?” Maxence asks, turning his face up to look into Axel’s eyes.

“Well...are we like gay now? Bisexual...or what the fuck is this?”

“Does it matter?” Maxence asks, pulling the cover over his naked body up to his waist while tying his hands together on his chest as though he thinks this discussion requires some modesty.

“Well, no...or, yes...I don’t know? Isn't it a part of human nature, the need to define your sexuality? -” Axel asks, pouting his mouth a little and blinking his eyes.

“I mean, I have never in my 21 years of life looked at a guy before, much less wanting to kiss him...and now I find myself in this bed with you, and I just sucked your dick.”

“Didn’t you like it?” Maxence asks, question sounding honest. Axel knows he needs the answer.

Axel moves his hand from his own thigh and lays it on Maxence’ chest, softly brushing his fingers over his collarbone to the side of his throat.  “I loved it, Maxe...seriously...I loved everything about it” he responds, making sure he looks Maxence in his eyes when saying it.

“But it’s not about that -” Axel continues, voice serious now, back straight, hand back in his lap. “Even though it doesn’t matter to us what the label is, it matters to the world we’re living in...people’s opinions are going to affect us whether we want them to or not.”

Maxence looks at him and then pulls himself up in the bed sitting opposite to Axel, crossing his legs, looking Axel in the eyes.

“You know, before kissing you I didn’t understand what this story we were supposed to act meant -” Maxence says. “But the very first time I kissed you, right here in my apartment, it all fell into place -”

Maxence inhales and continues, shaking his head. “I touched you and I knew, I’ll never not want to do that again -” he says, looking down, suddenly seeming almost shy. “I just didn’t know if you felt that too, or if it was only a part of the acting for you.”

Axel, feeling his already warm heart burning in his chest, reaches out his hand and carefully tucks Maxence’ chin up with his fingers.

“I felt it too -” Axel says quietly but surely. “I still feel it”.

“Well, in that case, it doesn’t matter to me what people say -” Maxence says, sounding like he means it, gazing into Axel’s eyes sitting on the sheet on the bed.

Axel smiles softly towards him.

“C’mon, let’s go take a shower” Maxence says, brushing his hand over Axel’s naked thigh.


	44. Chapter 44

“Wait just a minute -” Maxence says, tucking the yellow shower curtain to the side with his hand, so briskly the rings on the pole rattles when he steps over the edge into the bathtub. “I’ll get the water warm enough for you.”

The bathroom is tiny, as the rest of Maxence’s apartment. A small sink, a toilet with a bathtub next to it, all white tiles.

It’s in a perfect neighborhood of Paris for a young man, quiet but close to the bars and shops if you like those kinds of things, and Maxence does. But it’s up on the seventh floor with no elevator, and going up is exhausting every time, walking all those stairs with bags of groceries is a pain.

 _He would definitely move in with me_ , Axel thinks to himself while standing on the round black bathroom rug waiting to get into the running water in the shower.

“It’s warm enough -” Maxence says. “Get in here” he adds with a crooked smile.

___

The way Maxence’ palms meet Axel’s skin and his fingers move, slick with shampoo, from his neck to the back of his scalp, nestling itself in his hair, feels like the last time but also totally different.

The touch is filled with intent, slowly but surely awakening every nerve ending in Axel’s tingling body.

Eyes closed, Axel hums and leans his head against Maxence’ shoulder, feeling his wet chest against his back and his crotch against his bum.

Maxence is not unaffected by this, Axel can tell by feeling the twitches against him, how it moves when Maxence slowly grinds his lathery citrus smelling hands across his scalp.

“Tilt your head back” Maxence says, laying a quick kiss on Axel’s shoulder as he takes a step back. 

With the help of his big hands and the warm water he rinses the shampoo out of Axel’s hair.

Axel, feeling completely relaxed, breathing slow and even, turns around to face Maxence.

The look in Maxence’ eyes almost stuns Axel. They are so blue and so honest, filled with only goodness and grace, making Axel want only one thing - to be near him.

“Come here, I want to hold you” Maxence says, opening his big arms, making Axel think that he must have seen what he wanted in his face. Or maybe Maxence just feels the same way.

Axel takes one step forward and ends up folded in between Maxence’ arms, held tight against Maxence’ larger chest, his own arms bent and tucked into Maxence inside the hug, while the warm water creates white steam circling around them both.

It feels safe like this, warm water soaking them both from the nozzle above their heads, like nothing could ever bother them. Standing here in Maxence’ arms would be enough, for the rest of his life.

“Let me get you clean -” Maxence says, eventually releasing his grip on Axel’s shoulders.

___

This kiss is nothing like the one they shared in the hallway earlier today, hard, pushing their tongues into each other’s mouths, biting and grinding each other down.

This is Maxence cupping Axel’s face and gazing into his eyes as though he adores him, wants to cradle him into oblivion.

The sweet, soft kiss, first almost chaste, then slowly deepening, exploring Axel’s lips and tongue, makes Axel sigh into his mouth and fills him with such overwhelming warmth that his entire body softens until he has to lean against the tiles pulling Maxence with him, hands around his neck.

Axel knows what this feels like, kissing like this, tasting each other, craving the touch while not being able to get enough, soft and passionate.

It feels like love.

Opening his eyes, he looks directly into Maxence’ eyes, filled with respect, admiration and tenderness. It’s like Maxence’ eyes have caught on fire, filled with desire, only meant for him.

Bending down to get the bottle of soap from the edge of the bathtub, Maxence rubs his hands full of cream until they lather and then slowly and suggestively slides his palms over Axel’s arms, from the shoulders to the back of his hands.

Tucking his strong but sensitive hands under Axel’s armpits, Axel raises his arms up letting Maxence clean him thoroughly, massaging his skin, sliding further down along his sides, back up over his stomach, nipples and back down again to his crotch.

Axel’s breathing is faster now, feeling the warmth in his pelvis expanding, the sensation on his skin so good he could close his eyes and just breathe into it.

Almost with a smirk, Maxence slides down to his knees, followed by his hands, rubbing Axel’s calves, going up his back thighs, over his soft bum, making Axel’s breath eradict.

He wants that. Oh, he wants it.

Taking his time, Maxence, instead of covering him with paint, lets the warm water serve as a tool for connection as he traces back to his calves and up on the front of his legs, stopping again by his crotch.

Axel, anticipating what’s to come, shivers with lust, almost rocking in place, standing in the bathtub, feeling the warm water drizzling down his back and running down his legs.   

Leaning on the edge of the bathtub to make it possible for Maxence to reach, Maxence looks up and gazes into Axel’s eyes, bending forward with a “mhm” and grazes his tongue over his balls.

“Ah!” Axel breathes, as Maxence sucks the soft hairy skin into his mouth, lapping it with his tongue and nuzzling his nose around the sensitive thin skin by his thigh.

“Oh, shit!” Axel exclaims when Maxence takes a steady grip of his pounding length and starts moving his hand up and down in the water.

Axel can hear Maxence’ heavy breaths, his hums, the wet sounds coming from the sucking and licking on the flesh covered in water and knows he wants this too, that he feels good doing it, and it makes all the blood pool in Axel’s already stiff length, making him gasp and clutch his hand to the cold surface of the bathtub’s edge.

Gazing down at Maxence, sitting on his knees, looking up into Axel’s eyes and adjusting his warm mouth to suck on his head, softly at first but then more eager, harder, Axel pants and feels the burn inside of him rise.

He’s had blow jobs before, even though his fifteen year old self never thought he was going to have sex. But this, he can’t remember having ever been this turned on before in his life.

He’s not going to last long.

Raising his hips up to meet Maxence’ movements Axel moans “Maxe -” and pulls his hair.

“Not going to last” he says in one breath, hardly being able to speak.

___

“Turn around” Maxence says, standing closely behind Axel in the bathtub.

Doing so, Axel can feel how hard Maxence is while pressing against his butt. Instantly Axel sighs and closes his eyes, feeling so good. It’s like the abyss between his cheeks was made for Maxence’ throbbing length.

Maxence slides his hands along his arms until he reaches Axel’s hands, laces their fingers together and places them in front of him on the cold white tile.

 _Oh_ , Axel thinks, never having done this before.

Maxence, putting his hands around Axel’s sides holds him tight and trails soft kisses from his neck and shoulder, down his back.

Letting go of his waist with one arm, Maxence slides his hand down Axel’s back, making a moan escape Axel’s mouth as he reaches his cheeks.

“Can I touch you?“ Maxence whispers into Axel’s ear, voice dark and raw.

“You can touch me anywhere” Axel responds, hardly able to get the words out, panting, wanting him to do it already, spreading his legs slightly apart in anticipation.

Maxence, heavily breathing against Axel’s back, glides his hand down, cupping his cheek, massaging, squeezing it gently, before circling up again to his lower back where he stops for a moment and then, with the help of the water pouring down his back, he let’s two of his fingers drift between Axel’s cheeks as he gently massages his outer rim.

“Oh” Axel breathes as he shudders into this totally new sensation, hearing Maxence making the exact same sound.

He likes this.

Making sure Maxence gets that he wants more, Axel lowers his hands holding the tile and arching his back a little to push his ass up against Maxence’ hand.

“Did you like that?” Maxence asks, voice rough, close to his ear.

“Yes -” Axel whispers, heart pounding and blood rushing in his ears and adds “don’t stop, please”.

So Maxence slowly slides his hands over his hips, up his sides and down his back to his cheeks and between them, until his fingers brush against his rim again and again, soft and circular as Axel rocks against his hand, whimpering, breathing and moaning, bending his head down, holding on to the slippery tiles.

Feeling Maxence’ pounding hard on against his butt, Axel pushes back towards it. Maxence, probably longing for some release, moans, takes a firm grip of his hips, bends his knees and sticks his length in between Axel’s thighs, starting to jerk forward in circular movements rubbing against his crotch, nose nuzzled in his hair, breathing heavily in his ear.

When Maxence finally reaches forward and grips Axel’s aching length, Axel’s entire body is buzzing and he sobs loudly, flipping his head back to rest against Maxence’ shoulder and starts fucking his fist by thrusting his body back and forth, again and again.

And when Maxence slides his free hand down his back, still with his hard on pounding between Axel’s thighs, he lets a finger glide between his cheeks down over his rim again and Axel shouts:

“Oh, fuck me!” trying to stay in a standing position, grasping the slippery white tile, gasping for breath, eyes closed and legs feeling like jello.

“I can do that too” Maxence murmurs into his ear, breathing ragged.

And at that, Axel comes so hard his knees buckle and his head twirls, still standing only because Maxence holds him up with a strong arm around his chest, his hard chest pressing against Axel’s back. 

It doesn’t take Maxence many jerks with his fist before he comes, still holding one arm around Axel, panting hard with his face tucked into the side of his neck.

The white come washes down their bodies with the water and circles down the drain at their feet, while Axel and Maxence stand quietly under the shower nozzle, holding each other close.

There’s still so much to talk about.


	45. Chapter 45

“Yeah, well, I grew up with my parents having gay friends. They sat at our dinner table and ate my mom’s cooking...it was never a big deal -” Maxence says, continuing the conversation they started before the shower, sitting close to Axel on his small sofa while chewing on a slice of pepperoni pizza.

“Acting as Eliott didn’t change much for me...other than the consequences of the fan’s reactions” he adds.

After turning off the water in the shower after it got cold, being towel dried by Maxence with an enormous dark blue bath towel, kissed on the tip of his nose and eventually being let out of the bathroom, Maxence decided to order pizza to end the growl in their hungry stomachs. 

The pizzas were delivered to Maxence’ door a moment ago, by a delivery boy that actually looked mad after climbing all those stairs.

“Did you ever think it could happen to you though?” Axel asks, putting a can of Coca Cola down on the coffee table.

“Are you asking me if I’ve ever had any gay experiences before you?” Maxence asks, smiling and turning his head to look into Axel’s eyes.

“I guess I am, yeah” Axel responds, biting his lower lip and locking his eyes onto Maxence’.

This discussion is kind of strange, but it’s also what they need to talk about and it feels good sitting here together, having an honest conversation now that it’s out in the open that they both have feelings for each other.

“The answer is no, I haven’t had any gay relationships before meeting you -”, Maxence says, with a crooked smile.

“I have always thought of myself being straight” he continues. “On the other hand, I’ve never closed any doors, never had any issues with being close to guys. I’ve kissed guy friends on the lips before...but there was never any seriousness in it.”

“Not like this....I guess...a part of me knew this could happen, I just never thought it would” Maxence says, looking as though he needs to stop talking.

“What about you?” he asks, taking another bite of his pizza, cheese running down his hand.

“I’ve never had a gay thought in my life” Axel says, high pitched enough to make him think that it didn’t come out exactly right.

“We...well, what I mean is that I didn’t have that same perspective you had growing up -” Axel, adds, in a calmer fashion. “Accepted, yes, but subjected to? No.”

“For me, being Lucas has really given me a whole new outlook. I’ve realized I grew up with Lucas...or, well, versions of him -” Axel continues. “And I was probably one of those who taunted him not realizing how much it hurt...really, I don’t know how many gay jokes I’ve made...I regret the shit out of that now” Axel says, looking down at the floor, feeling ashamed.

“It’s all about learning you know -” Maxence says, reaching out to put a hand on Axel’s thigh while smiling slightly and looking at him with his kind eyes.

The gesture instantly warms Axel’s heart.

“What do you think your parents would say?” Maxence asks, leaning back on the sofa, seemingly full enough to leave the last slice of pizza in its box.

Axel knows the question is important.

And he really doesn't want to hurt Maxence.

“My parents are always going to support me. I know that for a fact. They supported me through my all consuming interest in going into the theater...well, as long as I took the bac first -” Axel says, looking directly at Maxence.  “And they will support me through anything else as well“ he adds, making sure he sounds confident enough to make Maxence believe him.

After pausing a little, trying to figure out how to put this, Axel continues. “But I don’t think they would be happy about it”.

“Oh -” Maxence says, eyes suddenly getting bigger. “Why not?” He sounds surprised, as he’s waiting for the answer.

“I guess they just want what’s best for me” Axel says, frankly.

“And I’m not?” Maxence asks, question fair and honest.

“I don’t think it’s about you at all -” Axel says, suddenly feeling a bit anxious, as this discussion isn’t going as well as he’d hoped.

“They just want a simple life for me” he adds as an explanation.

Maxence looks down at the floor, silent.

“Is there such a thing? -” he asks, looking up to meet Axel’s eyes. Something has changed in his eyes. “A simple life I mean.”

“No -” Axel answers, because it’s true, there are no such lives. “But maybe that’s why they don’t want me to complicate mine more than it needs to be” he says, scratching his head, suddenly feeling unsure if it’s his parents or his own opinion he is voicing.

“Yeah, okay -” Maxence says and stands up, obviously picking up on Axel’s thoughts and grabbing the boxes from the coffee table. “I’ll just get these to the kitchen”.

Axel knows, sitting alone on the sofa with his hands over his face, he hurt him.

_Goddamnit._

Axel gets up, takes the few steps into Maxence’s small kitchen where he finds him with a serious look on his face, gazing out the window.

The moon is up now.

“I’m sorry” Axel says quietly, meaning it and tucking his arms around Maxence’ waist from the back, nuzzling his nose into the smell of his t-shirt.

He wants to make it all better again.

“No -” Maxence says briskly, turning around to hold Axel by his shoulders. “It is what it is. Let’s not talk about this anymore tonight.”

Maxence is avoiding looking into his eyes.

“Let’s not -” Axel says, feeling somewhat relieved. “I’d like to stay over if you want me to” he adds, biting his lip, tilting his chin down, knowing how that affects Maxence.

“Yes, of course I want you to -” Maxence says, smiling faintly. “Let’s watch a movie”.

And they go back to the living room and the small sofa and turn the TV on.

Axel knows, and it makes him paralyzed by fear…

The mood has shifted.


	46. Chapter 46

When Axel wakes up again, Maxence’ chest against his back and his arm around his naked waist, he wants to be nowhere but right where he is, but he also knows that this day will be very different from the last.

And he doesn’t like it.

The entire night was filled with restless dreams about soft skin, wet kisses mixed with the anxiety of the feeling of falling down ledges and losing stuff that he can’t even remember now.

He knows what it means.

He is going to have to go home today, leave this safe cocoon of theirs and step out and face the real world.

And not a single inch of him is feeling prepared for that.

Actually, the pure thought of it makes his stomach turn.

___

Carefully turning around in the bed to face Maxence without waking him up, smelling the citrus shampoo, smoke and sweat, he can not help but to reach out his hand and softly stroke the hair from Maxence’ forehead, tucking it behind his ear.

Maxence is so beautiful like this, facial features relaxed and eyes shut, chest heaving with his even breathing as there’s not a single worry in the world.

Maxence has held him in his strong arms the entire night, so tightly wrapped Axel could hardly breathe.

Axel knows why, because he feels it too, the urge to be close, to hold on, as a small consolation for the anxiety of what’s to come.

Axel knows this is going to be difficult. Is it even worth it, having a girlfriend, actually being able to fall in love with girls, to take this huge step that it is, being with a man?

Does he want to do this to himself, to Mae and to his parents?

___

“Hey -” Axel says softly, stroking his cheek when Maxence slowly opens his eyes, face on the pillow filled with sleep. “How are you doing?”.

“Hi -” Maxence whispers back, wetting his lips with his tongue. “It’s too early, go back to sleep -” he murmurs, voice hardly audible.

“I just want to hold you a little while longer.”

So Axel turns back around in the bed again, ending up cradled by Maxence, one arm under Axel’s neck holding on to his upper shoulder, the other one wrapped around his waist, a soft kiss to the back of his hair before he can hear Maxence breathing evenly again as he falls back asleep. 

Axel couldn’t get out of the grip even if he wanted to.

But he really doesn’t.

_Just a little while longer.  
_

He closes his eyes and drifts off.

___

__

___

The hands on Axel’s back slide down his t-shirt and grips his cheeks with such a force that he almost ends up standing on his toes.

“You said I could touch you anywhere” Maxence says quietly standing in the small hallway, smiling softly with his nose tucked in Axel’s hair.

“I believe I did” Axel says, biting his lip, looking up into Maxence’ blue eyes.

His stomach is hurting now, twisting and aching.

He’s feeling like a goddamn marine going off to sea during war, waving off to his wife on the dock.

“Well, remember that feeling” Maxence says slowly, before pulling back, kissing him on the nose and opening the door.

Axel smiles and puts a hand on Maxence’ heart, before stepping out of the apartment.

It would be so easy to turn back and wrap his arms around Maxence, kiss him breathless and take him to the bed.

But he doesn’t.

Instead he goes down the staircase, sighs and pulls the helmet over his head and sits on his scooter to ride home.

He makes one final glance towards Maxence’ apartment before he rides away in the sunlight.

Axel can’t shake the feeling that this was goodbye.


	47. Chapter 47

The thing about choices is that you know what you’ve got and what you’re about to lose, but you’re never sure what you might gain.

Leaving Maxence’ apartment, sitting up on his scooter and going home, neither of them have promised the other anything.

That means both of them don’t know how the other might choose. 

All the doors are standing open, and they each have things to sort out. 

Axel, for one, really doesn’t know where to start.

What he knows is that his anxiety is skyrocketing high. 

High as in heart pounding, trembling all over, throat tightening, not being able to sit still or think a clear thought, high. 

___

Sitting on the edge of his bed, nervously drumming his fingers on the cover, the thought comes crashing down over Axel with the force of a compactor, squishing an old car into metal scraps in a junkyard.  

He realizes that he really needs to talk to Mae. Actually, he must talk to Mae right now, and it scares the fucking shit out of him. 

How do you tell someone you are supposed to be in love with that you not only want to break up with her, but that you have fallen in love with someone else, cheated on her several times and that the other person is a man? 

Axel can not find a single way to lay this out to Mae where it could end up as anything else but a flood of tears, true long-lasting disappointment and probably (well deserved, he knows that) screaming and threatening to go public with the information she just received.

And for someone to go public about Axel dating a man, other than himself, that, if at all possible, scares him more than facing Mae. 

He doesn’t even know how he would be able to cope if his parents found out before he had the chance to talk to them. 

He would be so devastated that he might just fall down dead on the ground where he’s standing. 

___

It’s not that Axel has any demoralizing thoughts or values of living as a homosexual, on the contrary, he has done numerous interviews with and without Maxence for the radio, TV and newspapers where he has talked about the importance and acceptance of free love. 

He truly believes this.

Axel also knows enough to realize that hiding a part of who you are can lead to severe consequences far worse than actually following your heart. 

Clinical depression, anxiety and even suicide are things that Axel has read about in the letters fans have sent him. He knows the feelings are real.

And he doesn’t want that for himself.

But, now this is about him and his life, and knowing how the world looks at homosexuality, France and Paris being no exception, coming out terrifies Axel.  

The consequences are just so severe. 

___

Taking another walk with Ouba in the evening while the sun is slowly setting on a red sky, again to calm his nerves (it’s the only thing that helps), Axel thinks about all the people that get beat up, killed for being who they are, even those who try to hide. 

Axel, knowing himself, won’t be able to control his temper and keep his mouth shut. Living with a man will mean so much to him that he’s going to go into wild discussions and end up black and blue. 

Thinking about how it might feel to be beaten up, the degradation it must mean, and how it must hurt to be punched...his phone beeps in the pocket of his jeans. 

It’s Maxence. 

And Axel’s heart instantly flips. 

Or flutters, whatever describes a heart flipping from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other in a matter of nanoseconds. 

The mental images and feelings of Maxence on his knees in the bathtub yesterday evening, bending forward and sucking his…

His stomach clenches, just thinking about it.

The sliding of the hand between his wet cheeks, over his rim... 

He knows he wanted it.

Oh, he craved it. 

He needs to stop in his tracks to be able to read the text-message.

___

An hourglass emoji because time is what Axel figures he needs to sort this mess out. 

To talk to Mae.

To figure out how to talk to his parents (he doesn’t even dare think about that conversation yet). 

To figure out how to talk to his friends, who he hopes will support him. 

He can’t be too sure of course and going through them in his head one by one, discussions he’s had in school and at parties, he remembers stupid jokes, remarks even, but when thinking about it now he doesn’t even know what it all really meant.

And what will he do next? Call his agency UBBA and tell them he’s gay now?

_Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sincerely interested in who my readers are, so at any time write me a comment letting me know where you are from, if you’re a man or a woman, how you found my fic, why you are reading it and/or what you think of it.  
> _____________
> 
> Also, I got an ask by the amazing Vea and I might as well post my answer so you can all read it, if you like. Vea asked me to answer some questions, she also asked about Maxence' tattoos and about a post I made regarding relationships on my blog on Tumblr.
> 
> 3\. what are you looking forward to?  
> Right now I’m really looking forward to camping at a place in Sweden with my family for the next 5 days (we arrived earlier today!)
> 
> 6\. what was your life like last year?  
> One could say it had its ups and downs. I was diagnosed with a neurological disease a year back (don’t worry, still standing and not dying, but it affects my daily life) and it has forced me to re-evaluate what’s important in life and make adjustments, as working less and resting more (that’s when I write). The good part is that when you get sick you realize that the most important part we’ve got is each other - love!
> 
> 14\. personality description  
> Analytical, structured, driven, kind, stubborn as fuck. I love a good discussion and to talk about what really matters in life. 
> 
> 19\. what is your favorite song at the moment?  
> I still listen to a lot of the Skam France soundtrack, I loved the music in season 3! Other than that I can not stop listening to Wicked Game by HIM, it’s an old song, Finnish rock band, but so incredibly good!
> 
> 27\. favorite film(s)  
> I watch a lot of movies. I love movies! I especially love science fiction. I can’t even begin to choose my favorite movie. A movie in the same genre as Elu that’s really great is the Argentinian Esteros - watch that, you can find it online. 
> 
> 31\. something you want to learn  
> Patience - I’m no good at that! 
> 
> 33\. Favorite subject  
> My favorite subjects in school were Swedish and English. Other than that, equality. 
> 
> 34\. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?  
> Going to the States is definitely on my bucket list. Buying a caravan and spending my summers with my family camping in Sweden, Finland and eventually southern Europe is a dream. Other than that, keep standing on my own two legs, taking care of my family for as long as they need me. 
> 
> 39\. relationship status  
> I’m married to a man.
> 
> 49\. 5 things that make me happy  
> My husband (I’m not kidding - he’s great), my daughter, my son, hanging out with friends, taking a walk in the sunlight.
> 
> 50\. something that's worrying me at the moment  
> Not being able to support myself in the long run. I have an extensive education and I have worked a lot on my career, but my disease is f---ing my energy levels up (sorry for the swearing). 
> 
> About Maxence’ tattoos. All I know is that it says “Life” on his chest and “mardi” on his right knee cap. He also has one with a string of music and something on his ankle. I would sure like to know more about them, especially “mardi” - why “Tuesday”? Maxence’ sister also has a tattoo with the same words, so it must have a meaning to them. 
> 
> There’s a lot of things in life I’m not sure of or know little about. But I did post an article about successful marriages on Tumblr. In it the writer said she learned that Iove is not a feeling, but a choice that we keep on making. I would never in a million years suggest you start a relationship with anyone that does not make your heart flutter, but in the long run, I do believe the success of a marriage comes down to a choice. We need to choose to see the stars in each other’s eyes time after time. 
> 
> After 12 years as a happily married woman (I married young, I'm in my 30s), I can tell you, you need to work on it for it to work - to choose each other every time. If he or she is worth it that is and has that same interest in you. 
> 
> For me, my husband is worth it, every time. Actually, a lot of the love that’s being portrayed in my story comes from my experiences with being loved by my husband - for example he folded me into his arms and held me in the shower as Maxence did with Axel - it sure is beautiful, right?
> 
> /MeOnly


	48. Chapter 48

For Axel, to be included is a very important thing. Or, in his case, to stay included, because he has worked really hard to be just that.

As an actor, Axel needs recognition, and as a human being, he needs to be accepted - by his family, his friends, his fans and by society as a whole.

And everywhere he turns, he sees signs that tell him that with this new reality he’s facing, having a relationship with a man, it might not be possible.

At least not without a fight, or alternatively not without pretending to be invisible when others want to fight for his right to be who he is.

Thinking about Maxence, his gentle soul filled with warmth and passion, his kind blue eyes and his body that Axel finds himself constantly longing for…

The soft skin on his neck, his hard abs, the soft flesh on his butt…

Okay, so Axel can hardly even focus on his rage without pining for Maxence, but when he does, he’s angry.

Really fucking dope shit angry.

Because the society, and frankly the people in it, are so goddamn unfair.

Why does it matter that Maxence is a man and Axel is too?

Maxence wouldn’t hurt a fly even if it landed on his taco.

And why does it matter to anyone else whether Axel lies down on his bed at night with a man or a woman?

He just can not wrap his head around it.

Googling it, as most people would have done, lying on the wooden floor with his laptop in his living room this early Sunday morning in late March, he finds some things that at least can serve as a hint of an answer.

Unfortunately, reading on the Internet about how humans made the bible anti-gay by translating the words “boy molesters” to “homosexuals”, does not make Axel any less angry. **(I’m not kidding, read the text in the link at the end of the chapter - Has “Homosexual” always been in the Bible?/MeOnly)

___

So, yeah, now angry Axel is out on the Internet hunting down the fucking homophobes.

And he thinks he's probably going to get his physical ass kicked before this is all over.

___

__

___

“Take care of her, she’s such a nice girl” Axel’s mom says, looking at him with a serious face from the kitchen counter where she’s standing, holding the hot pot of Beef Bourguignon with a pair of pink oven mittens, covered in small brown dogs.

Axel’s mom loves dogs, and especially Ouba. Actually, she’s the one taking care of her, and with joy, when Axel is traveling, doing his shows.

It’s Sunday afternoon, and Axel is visiting his parents in their spacious apartment where he grew up, as he often does on Sundays.

He likes to get fed and he likes his loving parents, but today he’s here because he needs to be.

Axel desperately needs to talk to someone, and why not his mom, as she is going to have to be included in this very well kept secret of him suddenly sleeping with a man.

Feeling extremely nervous, heart racing and foot stomping against the floor under the white kitchen table across the room from where his mother is standing, it does however seem very difficult to get straight to the point.

“Everyone is asking me if there’s something between me and Maxence” Axel said slowly, avoiding eye contact and trying to take a detour around the subject while looking like it was a perfectly normal thing to say, not bothering him at all.

He could see his mom’s facial expression change and her shoulders tense up.

Axel doesn’t know what he had hoped, or not hoped his mother would say to that, but what she did say was “What does Mae say about that?” followed with the “Take care of her, she’s such a nice girl”, looking like she thinks there is no other option.

“I really like her” his mom continues, now picking out white plates from the lower kitchen cabinet, blonde hair falling in her face.

Axel knows she cares for him, that all she wants in her life is to protect him.

“Yeah, she’s nice” Axel manages to say, blinking his eyes, not sure how to move forward from this.

He just wants to make her happy too.

Proud of him even, because he loves her.

“She’s really been there for you through all the commotion” she continues, turning around next to the counter, looking Axel in the eyes.

 _Yes,_ Axel, thinks, _I’m in debt to her_.

Axel reaches over the table to get one of the glasses at the other end, and fills it with water from the pitcher.

He doesn’t even know what to say.

He just feels empty.

___

__

___

Coming home to his apartment later that evening, stomach full with stew, feeling nauseous after having eaten even though he has no appetite at all, Axel lies down on his back on his bed, legs hanging to the floor, his black jacket still on.

So, the conversation with his mom did not go as he’d hoped.

He just couldn’t bring himself to actually talk to her, so afraid of her judgement.

And having followed him out into the big hallway, looking at him while he bent down to tie his white sneakers, quietly adding “your career is safe with her” did not make him feel any better.

He knew what she meant.

It could hurt his career that he has worked so hard for.

Axel can not be sure if his mom understood what he wanted to say but he thinks, considering the last thing she said, she must have gotten a clue.

___

Looking down at his phone, he’s received another text-message from Maxence.

“See you tomorrow, I miss you!” it says.

His heart immediately starts pounding in his chest.

Yeah, Axel misses the fucking shit out of him too, that’s not the issue here.

Actually, after less than 48 hours apart, he longs for him so much he can hardly breathe.

He would just like to...go over there and...well, the things he would like to do to Maxence!

He just doesn’t know how to get from here to there.

And it drives him nuts!

Or, is he not sure that it’s really what he wants?

Because, what if this is some kind of temporary mix up of emotions still attached to their roles as Lucas and Eliott, and he destroys his life because of it?

Having hurt Mae ( _well, that’s too late_ ), disappointing his parents, injuring his career, losing some of his friends...

What will he do then??

_______________________

* * Clickable link: [Has “Homosexual” always been in the Bible?](https://www.forgeonline.org/blog/2019/3/8/what-about-romans-124-27)


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’ve done a bit of a cosmetic update on my fic.
> 
> The content of the story is the same, but the text has minor updates and the graphics are changed - new pictures for text messaging between Axel and Maxence and inserted links and pictures next to the Skam France episodes as they are described in the chapters of the fic.
> 
> Please check it out and thank you for reading!
> 
> \---
> 
> Also, I’m sincerely interested in who my readers are, so at any time write me a comment letting me know where you are from, if you’re a man or a woman, how you found my fic, why you are reading it and/or what you think of it.

Axel doesn’t know what kind of tree this is...it’s more of a big green prickly bush, full of needles.

And they’re everywhere.

A small branch sticking out from the main stem has somehow found its way into the collar of Axel’s black jacket, making him remove his hand from Maxence’ warm back. Axel is standing pressed so far into the bush he’s almost leaning against the stem while he is bending his arm back and getting stuck in the branches before finally brushing his hand over his neck to get rid of the scratching sensation.

“No -” Maxence wines and scrunches his eyebrows, when Axel is forced to detach his lips from his for a few seconds to handle the annoying task. “You come back here!”

And as soon as Axel manages to pull the branch out of his collar, feeling how the needles have worked their way down under his t-shirt and into his blue jeans, he presses his body against Maxence’, stomach to stomach, crotch to crotch, Axel on his toes to reach Maxence’s mouth. Their open panting mouths are licking, sucking at each other’s tongues, bodies flushed and needing, crotch pounding in such a way that Axel doesn’t know if he will ever be able to get out of this bush again to face the rest of the world.

He figures, he will just have to stay here.

Not that he minds even the slightest, feeling Maxence’ hand slide down his body to press against his hard on through the fabric of his jeans, fiddling with the buttons of his pants while listening to Maxence’ heavy breaths against his ear, feeling his mouth now descending from his mouth to his jaw and neck, making his body roar with unreleased want.

It doesn’t matter that he probably has dog poop under his sneakers. Actually he’s pretty sure he stepped into some while being pushed backwards on the gravel with such a force the hair was standing up on both of their heads, Maxence’ hands clutching hard to each side of his open jacket, aiming for the nest of bushes at the side of the footpath in the park.

The world could pretty much come tumbling down beside them, go into war or be hit by a meteorite as big as Texas, Axel still couldn’t care less.

All he wants to do is to stand here in the shadows inside this bush, covered (well, mostly) by its big branches, making out with Maxence, for all he cares about is eating him up, feeling exactly what he’s feeling right now - the overpowering heat, the all consuming lust, the stirring excitement - until there’s nothing left of the world, only them.

\---

\--

\---

It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.

Really, it wasn’t.

It’s just that Axel’s self restraint, well, it fucking packed its bags and eloped from Paris.

They met for an interview in the early morning sunlight outside the doorstep belonging to the Paris based organization SOS Homophobie, an organization committed to combatting hate-motivated violence and discrimination against LGBTQ+ people.

And that, an interview, was all they were supposed to do.

As an aftermath of Skam France being extremely popular especially among young people, the interest in getting to talk to the main characters, Axel and Maxence, is overwhelming.

Axel can’t say it’s been easy to serve as a spokesperson on this matter. He is an actor, portraying a gay character in a series, never having lived in a gay relationship himself.

Axel feels that he might not have the answers to all the questions about the LGBTQ+ community, many requiring deep knowledge and a sensitive tongue. The questions asked by all the teenagers contacting him through mail and social media, thanking him for his service, but also asking him what they should do about coming out or how to live their lives is extremely hard. It is equally difficult to answer the questions of the journalists, wanting him to explain what it means to act as a gay and why it’s important with free love.

Axel is happy he has a relatively well oiled mouth. Even though he tends to be too quick to answer sometimes he has not stepped on any major land mines so far, managing to stir up the crowd. Reading social media he knows some of them are waiting for a reason to come at him and Maxence because they are straight. Or because they’re acting gay. Or, because...for whatever reason. 

But by now Axel and Maxence have done so many interviews they have pretty much forgotten to feel nervous around journalists and cameras pointing in their faces.

\---

“At the beginning we told each other that if we could help even one young person to be proud of who they are and who they love we would have been successful in our mission -” Maxence says into the camera, sitting at the SOS Homophobie’s office.

“We get hundreds of messages every day” he continues. “From homosexuals letting us know we helped them come out, but also from heterosexuals saying we helped them understand their friends, family and children better.”

“To see the impact of our show and our characters is overwhelming. I’m talking on your behalf as well but...” Axel fills in, looking at Maxence, knowing they share the same heart in this.

“Yes -” Maxence says, quickly glancing at Axel. “We talk on each others behalf. We share the same voice in this matter.”

“It’s your turn now” Axel says, smiling towards Maxence.

Axel’s heart just feels so full, sitting here talking about these important issues together, after all the work they’ve put into this project and the success it’s had, the thousands of messages they’ve received from fans.

“Yes -” Maxence says. “Messages, letters, personal stories sent to us, they are violent...or rather deeply moving” he continues, almost stuttering now, not quite finding his words.

Listening to Maxence, Axel can’t take his eyes off of him.

Really, he could sit here the whole day watching and listening to him talk.

He just finds him so kind, so intelligent, so…

He loves the sound of his voice.

Oh, God.

He knows he’s staring at Maxence.

It’s just impossible not to.

“But beyond that, even when it goes wrong we always get that positive feeling that gives people some strength...and that....that is… -” Maxence is scratching his face, looking like he’s going to cry.

“Special” Axel says, trying to help Maxence.

He knows what he feels like, because he feels it too.

“Yes, it’s special” Maxence says, with a low huff, looking down.

\---

Walking out of SOS Homophobie’s office Axel already knows where this is heading.

He can see Maxence glancing at him from the corner of his eye, walking down the street.

If he could, Axel would jump him right this moment, cradle him in the middle of the crowded street, out in the open for everyone to see.

He would stuff his tongue into his mouth, making him wine, spurring him on, wanting more.

Axel knows it would be easy.

Much easier than walking here side by side, hands almost nudging together, tension so thick between them he is sure it must be visible to everyone walking by.

If he could at least hold his hand.

Neither of them speaking, both wanting the same thing, they take the trail to the park, crossing from the pavement to the gravel.

Axel can hear the sound of their quick feet on the surface.

The next moment he’s aware of, he ends up in the bushes.

A hard push, stepping backwards, eyes locked to his, needles everywhere and Maxence is completely covering him with his heavy body, squashing him so far into the green vegetation Axel ends up with his back almost against the stem.

\---

Right, so Axel wants this.

It doesn’t matter what his friends will say, society, his agency, the audience or even his benevolent mother.

He craves Maxence.

He needs his freaking body, he must have his touch.

He’s fucking convinced.

There’s just no denying it.

He fucking wants it so bad, he is prepared to fuck Maxence in a bush, in a park, in the middle of the day.

That is, until he hears a kid just outside the branches, calling for his mother, realizing his fly is open and Maxence is standing opposite him, panting loudly, face all mushy and looking like he’s about to fall on his knees any second now.

Since getting caught as flashers would be truly bad marketing for both their careers, Axel reaches deep down inside and pulls up some self restraint.

“Fu...fuck -” Axel spits out, since that’s the only word available. “We can’t have sex in the bushes. There’s children here!”

Maxence stares at him, hair and face covered in needles, looking like he just woke up from a heavy sleep.

“We...eh… -” Maxence stutters and pulls back a little, just to notice that he’s stuck between the branches.

“Fucking Christ -” Maxence continues, still not making any sense. “Wait a moment, I can’t get out of here”.

Axel reaches down to his fly and re-buttons his pants.

\---

“We need to find some fucking self control!” Axel says, looking Maxence in the eyes while simultaneously raking the dog poop off his shoe by rubbing it against the grass.

They’re sitting on a bench, just a few feet from the bush where they just made out. Two small children are playing with a ball next to them in the grass. Their parents are sitting on a blanket not far away, a picnic basket full of food standing in between them.

Axel, feeling a bit uneasy, glances towards them, still wondering what they might have seen...or heard.

“You really can’t look at me like that” Maxence says, slowly, but surely as though he has a valid point.

“Like what?” Axel asks, not understanding what he’s referring to.

“The way you looked at me during the interview, Axel...as though you lo...really like me. I couldn’t concentrate...It made me want to carry you into the bathroom in that office and fuck you against the sink.”

Axel’s stomach drops to his knees.

And his heart starts pounding in his chest.

He heard him.

He knows what he was about to say.

That he lo…

And he wants to fuck him against the sink.

Oh, Axel wants that too.

His stomach that dropped to his knees wants it, his shaking hands need it, his just-kissed mouth craves it, his burning skin itches for it and his once more growing hard on most definitely is very interested in participating in it.

“Huh -” Axel says, since there’s no proper words to respond to that. “Bu...but, have you talked to...eh...anyone about this?”

Maxence’ face changes. Axel can see how he pulls back on the bench, shoulders tensing up.

“No...no, I haven’t...I’m very sorry, I want this, it’s just diff...” he’s rambling fast now, looking down at his hands on his lap.

“I haven’t either” Axel interrupts him quickly to take him out of his pain.

Axel’s heart did skip a beat though, he felt it.

_Why hasn't he, really? Doesn’t he want to?  
_

“We really need to take care of that first” Axel says, searching for Maxence’ eyes.

“I know -” Maxence agrees. “I will” he adds, smiling faintly.

“I will too” Axel says quietly.

Axel gets up from the bench and holds a hand out to pull Maxence up, as Maxence once did when they were sitting in the grass in the same park talking about boundaries, a lifetime ago.

\---

Walking the pavement to the bus station to get home, Axel thinks about the fact that after acting as Lucas, taking part in numerous interviews with Maxence, attending several events - all in the same LGBTQ+ theme, he can talk about these things so easily now, cheer others that come out, calling them brave...without daring to do the same thing himself.

Shouldn’t he be less afraid because of his experiences in this, having had all these conversations?

Going into this project Axel truly believed he knew where he stands on the issue of free love. But does this apply only to others, not to himself?

He feels like a goddamn fake.

He knows he’s living a lie.

And he truly hates it.

Is he starting to hate himself?

Feeling the need to empty his shoes of needles pinching his toes, Axel stops in his tracks and leans against a light pole to get some support while shaking his white sneakers over the asphalt.

 _Well_ , he thinks, _we sure can’t keep doing this_.

*****

Clickable link:

[SOS Homophobie interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTwgrb48N-M)


	50. Chapter 50

Once again sitting in the front row of the theater, watching the episodes of Skam France rolling on the screen, hearing the audience clap and shout and cry together with Lucas, Axel feels totally different then the last screening just one month ago.

At the time of the prior screening Axel and Maxence had just shared their first kiss on his sofa, after Maxence found him sleeping in front of the TV watching Oui Oui.

Axel instantly knew he liked it. No, he instantly knew he craved it, and that he would want more.

It was clear to him that he enjoyed Maxence’ company more than anyone else's, that he found him kind and intelligent and interesting. That his sparkling blue eyes were beautiful and that he longed for his touch.

But he still thought, at least he tried to make himself believe, that he just needed to get this out of his system before he couldn’t control the desire and walk away, maybe even continue his life with Mae as though nothing ever happened.

It has been months of talking, laughing and crying together, getting to know each other, working hard, enjoying their success and also being each other’s comfort.

This Friday Axel sits in the theater after getting through the week, only managing because of a constant comforting text-messaging with Maxence and avoiding Mae by telling her he has some severe never ending flu.

And as Axel watches Lucas realize that Eliott, depressed and suicidal and hidden away under the bridge, needs him to survive and Lucas starts running to get to him, Axel knows he needs Maxence to survive too.

He needs him like the crisp air he breathes.

It’s no longer solely about the beauty of his body or even his touch.

He craves him for his inner being, the content of his heart and the universe that exists in his eyes.

Watching Maxence in the chair next to him watching Lucas running to get to Eliott, to save him, to hold him and take care of him, Maxence is crying, sobbing so hard that David leans forward in his seat and shushes them both to keep quiet.

\---

When Lucas finds Eliott in the cold under the dark bridge, he falls on his knees to look into his tear filled desperate eyes and tells him he is not alone anymore, and the audience cries and claps so hard the entire room seems to be shaking.

And Axel and Maxence get up on their feet and turn around to face the audience, tears running down both their faces.

Axel can hardly stand up, while shaking like a leaf as he sits down close to Maxence on the edge of the stage.

And when Maxence, while a moment later standing close, close on the stage answering the audience’s questions, pulls him in and gives him a hug, Axel knows, he wants nothing but Maxence, only him, the whole of him and it will never pass.

Axel loves him.

He knows it.

_I need to tell him._

\---

\--

\---

Stepping into the hallway after having scootered home from the screening, Axel pulls out his phone from his pocket to check for messages from Maxence.

There were too many people at the theater to talk...or kiss, even though Axel gladly would have stepped into that bathroom to…

Well, it might have seemed odd to go in there together.

What they ended up doing was giving each other a quick glance and a nod in the corridor outside the auditorium after the screening, Axel reaching out a hand and quickly touching Maxence’ arm before leaving.

They need to talk, it’s just a matter of finding the time and place for it.

And until then, since there are no unread text-messages from Maxence waiting on his phone, Axel clicks on his Instagram profile, only for the 67th time today.

He just cannot help himself.

What he sees is a post from Maxence’ girlfriend about their upcoming trip to Budapest.

 _Well -_ , Axel thinks, feeling a sudden cold shiver going through his body while walking straight to his bedroom, still dressed in his shoes and black jacket.

_He hasn’t called it off -_

_He doesn’t seem to be sure about this._

Oh God, it hurts.

As though someone reached inside Axel’s sore chest and squished his heart into a million pieces with a freezing cold hand.

Did he wait too long to tell Maxence how he really feels?

Is it too late now?

Axel lies down on his back on his bedspread, the phone still wrapped tightly in his hand, held over his aching heart.

With big tears rolling down his chin, Axel cries himself to sleep.

He dreams of Maxence’ hands searching his burning body.


	51. Chapter 51

One more week, and the final episode of the third season of Skam France will be uploaded for the audience to see.

One more week, and it will all be over.

Axel feels like time is running like sand through his fingers.

The time for nervously waiting for the next clip in bathroom stalls and movie theaters, friends calling him telling him what an amazing actor he is, might actually be over.

What if the fans stop sending him gifts all together?

Stops coming forward to talk to him on the streets.

Stops caring.

Will he miss it all?

Can he go on after this, as if nothing ever happened?

Is he still the person he once was?

The reality of it is that Axel’s life has taken a whole new turn since accepting the role of Lucas.

Thinking about it, he really feels like he grew up with him, matured and became a man.

And it’s not about the development of his acting skills, gifts or the autographs. It’s about finding out who he is, not as someone he thought he was or wanted to become, but the true Axel.

Axel behind the jokes and the need for attention.

It’s about what truly lies in Axel’s heart, when every piece of shell is gone.

There’s just one thing he needs to do still.

And that is to talk to Maxence.

He just hopes there’s still time.

Just the thought of it being too late makes his anxiety crawl up his chest, making a nest for itself.

\---

\---

\--

\---

Spending the week in Lyon doing his show Une Vie sur mesure, Axel thinks the time must have gotten stuck somehow.

It crawls forward like a maggot in glue.

“I took a walk beside the river Rhône today -” Axel says into the screen of his phone.

They’re FaceTiming, because that’s what you do when you’re away and miss the crap out of each other.

“I wore only a t-shirt, it’s so warm now” he adds, sitting on the bed in the hotel room.

“What else have you been up to?” Maxence asks, only his face visible on the screen. He’s at home sitting on his small sofa. 

“Nothing, really -” Axel answers. “I’ve been waiting for the play to start” he adds, not sure how to continue.

He wants to tell him how he feels about him so bad.

That he misses him so much he doesn’t know what to do. That all he can think of is his soft skin, his taste and his smell. How he wakes up in the middle of the night feeling his presence in the dark room, wanting him to be there, to feel his touch.

That he wants to move forward, to build a life with him.

That he loves him.

And he wants to talk about Maxence going to Budapest with his girlfriend.

Axel just doesn’t want to do it over the phone.

He wants to look Maxence in the eyes when he tells him that he loves him.

And then he wants to hold him close and never let go.

So Axel takes a breath to try to stay calm, and dares himself to say -

“But mostly I’ve been missing you.”

He can see how Maxence’ movement stops on the screen, how his blue eyes widen and his mouth opens.

He seems to be thinking about how to answer.

Axel breathes.

“I have been preparing for the casting today” Maxence says slowly. “The role requires me to do three different identities and it’s a fucking pain in the ass knowing I’m supposed to portray all this during the casting.”

Axel can see Maxence looking down at the screen.

“There are so many great actors out there and they’ll be waiting for their turn to shine right outside the door” he continues. “And all I’ve been thinking today is how I want to talk to you about it.”

Maxence looks up again. Axel can see his piercing blue eyes radiating through the phone.

“I can’t stop thinking about you, Axel.”

Axel’s heart clenches where he sits on the hotel bed and he smiles as he can feel the heavy weight loosen from his chest.

“I can’t stop thinking about you either, Maxe” he says, biting his lip.

Maybe there’s still a chance.

Maybe they’ll sort this out, find a way through.

Even though they still haven’t talked about what truly matters.

\---

\--

\---

Taking another look at Maxence’ Instagram profile, he has posted one simple sentence.

“I’ll miss this.”

Axel responds with the only thing that makes any sense.

“That will make two of us.”

The last clip of season three will be posted later today and Lucas' and Eliott’s story will be truly and unconditionally over.

Tonight, Axel is going to Maxence’ small party and in his heart he hopes for a new start.

For them.

For Axel and Maxence.

Then he will go straight to Mae and talk to her.

And actually, earlier today, doing another interview, this time without Maxence by his side, Axel tried to say it.

He wanted to know how it felt, how the words tasted in his mouth.

Sitting on the chair at the radio station with headsets on, he looked the reporter in the eyes and with a neutral smile he said it into the microphone-

“Who’s to say that I haven’t or won’t ever love a man?”

His heart was steady.

It felt so good to say it out loud. 

 


	52. Chapter 52

“It’s my own little goodbye party to our season” Maxence says, standing in the doorway to his apartment, still holding the door to let Axel inside.

“You said that” Axel answers with a crooked smile.

He can hear the music and the chatter of people drinking and talking inside.

It’s been a week since they last met and standing at the threshold looking at Maxence with his blue jeans and black t-shirt, hair standing in all directions, Axel thinks he is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

Axel’s appearance must be affecting Maxence as well, at least he seems to be a bit lost when opening the door, gazing at Axel with his blue eyes from top to bottom and then back again, quiet just long enough for Axel to notice.

It instantly makes Axel’s heart pound in his chest.

He has missed Maxence so fucking much.

Axel knows what this party is for already. They’ve talked about it during one of their many over-the-phone conversations last week.

Maxence needs an ending to the season, to their season. And since no one arranged a proper farewell party for the cast tonight, probably because season four starts right away on Monday, Maxence decided to do it for himself.

Axel can relate to Maxence’ need for closure and also, he really just wants to be with Maxence, to talk to him, to…

It’s strange how you can be both terrified and extremely excited at the same time.

How an aching heart heart can both dread and long for something simultaneously.

Axel, he longs for Maxence.

What he dreads, is being rejected.

\---

Axel has the time to consider bending down to pull off his white sneakers when he gets inside the small hallway of the apartment, but that’s it.

The next thing he knows, he’s being physically pushed backwards (again) passed the doorway of the kitchen where all the guests are sitting to the inside of Maxence’ small bedroom.

Still fully clothed Axel is pinned to the bedroom wall, Maxence standing so close to him that it would be impossible to get any closer.

It’s fucking amazing how quickly it’s even possible to be turned on.

And how all sense of carefulness disappears with it. 

Axel just doesn’t care that he’s in an apartment full of Maxence’ friends.

Neither does he mind that Maxence looks like he wants to suck on his face even though the door to the bedroom is unlocked.

Between the rushing sensation inside his own head and the heavy pounding in his crotch, Axel would gladly let him. For all he cares, he could lie down on the bed with him, strip off his clothes and kiss him breathless.

But it seems like Maxence has other plans for the evening.

\---

“I’m going to have so much fun with you tonight” Maxence says, glaring at Axel, still as close, one knee between his thighs.

Axel can hear his own loud breathing standing against the wall, licking his lips.

He would like to kiss Maxence so bad.

But he knows Maxence is teasing him, so instead he looks him straight in the eyes, bites his lip and says:

“Who’s to say I’m not the one who’s going to have fun with you?”

For a split second Maxence’ face drops and Axel knows he’s lost control.

“Oh, I’m going to show you” Maxence says slowly, collecting his facial expression again.

He reaches his hand out and puts his full palm on Axel’s crotch, adding just enough pressure to make his already hard on throb in his pants.

Axel is just so easily affected by Maxence. 

Then Maxence releases his grip, jerks the door open and pushes Axel out in the hallway in such a hurry that Axel doesn't have any time to get himself together.

“Meet my friend, Axel” Maxence says, making all the faces in the room turn to him.

Axel’s hard on is still pounding in his trousers.

\---

“We really did have an amazing chemistry on set -” Maxence says, looking from friend to friend sitting around his kitchen table. “Don’t you agree, Axel?” he asks, smiling at him.

Maxence is sitting opposite to Axel by the small table.

His foot is pressed up between Axel’s thighs, toes massaging his crotch.

Maxence knows exactly what he’s doing. 

Axel can hardly speak.

 _I need a fucking drink_ , he thinks.

Axel can hardly think either.

“I need a fucking drink” he says out loud.

\---

\--

\---

“I want you to fuck me in da kink” Axel says loud enough for every person in the apartment to hear him from inside the bathroom, if it wasn’t for the drowning music.

“You want me to do what??” Maxence asks, eyebrows raised and eyes big, standing behind Axel in the small space.

Axel pushed Maxence into the bathroom from the hallway during a moment when none of Maxence’ friends were watching them.

Both their clothes are a mess, Axel’s fly is open and the hair is standing on their heads.

“To fuck me in the S.I.N.K.” Axel tries to control his heavy breathing and pronounces every syllable while patting both his hands on the white porcelain sink.

Okay, so Axel doesn’t want to be fucked _in_ the sink, but at this point he is...well, a bit drunk.

And he has done some serious fantasizing about having sex in the bathroom ever since Maxence made the mistake of telling him he wanted to carry him into the bathroom and fuck him against the sink at the office of SOS Homophobie.

It has become a fucking compulsive thought.

Having obsessed about this day and night for a week, Axel is pretty sure the best way to fuck in the bathroom would be against the sink.

The bathtub won’t work, it will kill their knees. The toilet is not doable.

And Maxence’ bathroom is very small.

\---

But just wait a minute, we’re not quite there yet.

That drink of Axel’s turned into a second...and a third.

Most of the time Axel drinks beer. Beer is great, it tastes good and Axel knows he can control the effect it has.

After all, he is a small guy, so he can’t handle the amount of alcohol some of the bigger blokes can.

And he doesn’t enjoy losing control.

During this night however, he is subjected to intense terror.

If that’s what you can call it when the guy you’re in love with keeps traumatizing you by winking over the table in a room full of people, sticking his toes between your thighs, getting up from his chair just to stand behind you and lean against your back breathing in your ear where you’re sitting, while just trying to control your breathing.

Safe to say that between Maxence mixing him one very strong and colorful drink after another and deciding to blast out Louis Armstrong’s song ‘What a Wonderful World’ on repeat while glaring triumphant at Axel (because he knows this is Axel’s favorite song to make love to - he has said so in an interview), Maxence won the game of who can taunt each other the most.

That is, before Axel couldn’t stand it anymore and physically grabbed Maxence’ shoulders, pushed him into the bathroom, kissed him senseless and then grabbed the bar of soap from the sink and pretended to drop it on the bathroom floor.

It was obvious what Axel meant to say.

And that’s when Maxence lost his game.

\---

So, back to the bathroom.

“You want me to fuck you in the sink?” Maxence asks, looking a bit confused, face kissed red and mushy.

“Not in the sink - ” Axel says “against it” he clarifies with a drunken smile, looking back at Maxence.

Axel would want nothing else, standing on the bathroom floor all worked up.

He truly would like Maxence to just fuck him.

Looking at Maxence' wild eyes, Axel thinks it’s a safe assumption that he would like to fuck him too.

“I really want you to -” Axel says. “Fuck me” he adds to make it completely clear what he desires.

“Bu...but you’re so drunk” Maxence says, already coming closer to Axel, dropping one hand to hold his pounding hard on through his open fly.

Axel shifts his hips to press against his palm.

“Don’t you want to?” Axel murmurs, biting his lip, leaning his head against Maxence’ shoulder.

Axel can feel the want flow through his body, making him shiver.

“Oh, I seriously want to” Maxence answers, bending his head down to softly lick and suck on his earlobe.

A quick strand of nerves goes through his body at the exact moment he realizes that Maxence is going to do this.

_Is this going to hurt?_

Axel exhales, closing his eyes as he focuses on breathing.

And feeling.

Because Axel wants to feel this.

He wants to feel all of it.

\---

Just the thought of where this is leading makes Axel’s heart pound intensely in his chest.

Axel has thought about doing this in a bathroom for a week.

All he wants is Maxence to touch him in his butt.

To grace his rim with his fingers.

He did once and Axel liked it so damn much he craves it, longs for it to happen again.

And he wants more.

He wants him to come inside him. To feel him inside.

Axel himself doesn’t even understand the need. It’s something he has never even considered while being with girls.

So where does this urge come from?

When Maxence grips the waistband of his blue jeans and pulls them down to Axel’s knees while standing so close he can hear Maxence catch a breath, Axel can feel his body tingle with electricity.

And when Maxence pulls his t-shirt over his head, followed by his own and then with a bit of effort pulls off his own pants in the cold light of the small bathroom, Axel turns around and kisses Maxence again, kissing him deep and longingly to tell him it’s okay, that he wants this, that he needs it.

Axel caresses his wandering hands over his face, in his hair and then down Maxence collarbone and chest.

Maxence is hard as a rock in his hand when he reaches down to take a firm grip of his glowingly red and leaking cock and Axel notices how Maxence changes the weight of his feet to get a better balance.

“Oh…-” Maxence breathes when Axel drops to his knees on the black bathroom rug where they are both standing.

Axel’s heart jumps and he swallows hard knowing he’s going to make him feel good.

“Oh, fuck!” Maxence cries out when Axel dips his head down to lick at the leaking slit, while holding his balls in one hand, one finger putting pressure behind them, close to his rim.

Axel loves this. The salty taste, the feeling of the throbbing weight growing in his mouth. The sounds Maxence is making.

And Maxence is moaning now, thighs trembling where he stands, the sound echoing in the white tiled bathroom, while Axel’s mouth and tongue make slobbering noises from sucking and licking his dick and his balls and the sensitive skin between his thighs.

Axel wants to make him feel so good that he whines with pleasure.

And he does he thinks, looking up at Maxence who closes his eyes, gasps loudly and holds a firm grip on Axel’s shoulders with his fingers, almost as to prevent himself from falling down.

“Get off! -” Maxence says abruptly, making Axel back off his dick, making a popping sound.

“I’m not going to last -” he says softer, smiling at Axel, pulling him up to standing. “I want to fuck you first” he says.

Axel can hear a tremble in Maxence’ voice.

And his own stomach clenches wildly with want, with lust and desire...and stinging nerves.

“Please” Axel says, hearing nerves in his own voice, turning his back towards Maxence again, leaning against his now wet hard on, making it nestle in the abyss of his cheeks.

 _Oh, God,_ he thinks. _Just do it!_

At the first and very much anticipated touch of Maxence’ fingers brushing against Axel’s rim, feeling the difference compared to last time, it dawns on them both.

They haven’t got any lube.

And even straight men know this shit hurts without lube.

Commenting on the fact, still both of them panting, touching, wanting, Axel says “try with water” and turns on the tap to make the water gush into the sink. 

And Maxence reaches in front of Axel, wets his hand and uses the water while he slowly circles his way over the small of Axel’s back down to his butt and between his cheeks over his rim, over and over again.

And it feels so good.

Axel moans, clutching the sink as he hangs his head over it, leaning, moving against Maxence’ touch.

But he still wants more.

“Are you ready?” Maxence asks quietly, obviously picking up on his desire. His voice is almost only a breath, his nose tucked into Axel’s hair.

And Axel is, so Maxence gets some more water in his hand and then gently, softly and slowly presses one finger past the rim, inside of Axel.

And Axel moans or sobs or wails or whatever you can call the low pitched growling sound coming involuntarily out of his mouth, almost as if it gets pressed out when Maxence’ finger presses in.

The feeling is so foreign.

As something misplaced, not supposed to be there, stretching, hurting a little, but simultaneously absolutely right, as it should be, making Axel want more.

“Again” Axel exhales.

And Maxence complies, going in and out, massaging and stretching.

Axel’s legs, already feeling weak, trembles so much he can hardly hold himself up.

“Hold me” he says and Maxence does, with one arm around his waist he holds him standing, while he works his way in with one finger and eventually with two.

At this point Axel is a shivering wet mess, hardly making any sense at all, and his well worked rim is starting to complain, to suffer.

“Won’t work without the lube -” Maxence points out, listening to Axel’s sound now coming out like he is in pain and Axel can only agree.

“But I’m still going to make you come for me” Maxence adds and grips Axel’s pounding hard on in his hand, slowly moving his hand over his foreskin.

Increasing the tempo, Axel, hardly aware of where he is any longer, leans against Maxence’ hard chest, closes his eyes and feels the sensation while moaning, whining and coming in a white explosion on Maxence’ hand.

\---

After Axel manages to pull himself together enough to pull apart from Maxence, he turns around and wraps his arms around his neck, noticing that Maxence jerks back a little when their crotches are brushing against each other, as though he’s sensitive to the touch.

“Did you already…?” Axel asks, a bit surprised.

“I could come just by listening to the sounds you make -” Maxence says softly while stroking Axel on his back.

“Please stay tonight -”, Maxence pleades, more than asks. “Please, I want to hold you.”

“Yes -” Axel says, stomach still burning. “Of course I will.”

\---

“I really want to try that again” Maxence says looking into Axel’s eyes, smiling bright enough to show his white teeth while holding the door knob of the bathroom.

The teaser is back again.

And they step out of the bathroom to face Maxence’ friends, as though nothing ever happened.


	53. Chapter 53

The first sensation when waking up in Maxence’ wrinkled bed in the morning is that his dry tongue has somehow gotten stuck to the palate of his mouth.

The first thought while trying to gather some spit is that he must have been seriously drunk during the late hours of the party.

That leads Axel to the first quick string of emotions.

Axel’s feeling a bit embarrassed.

But why?

Then, when shifting in the bed, a sudden whine comes through his mouth as he feels a strange sharp pain coursing through his butt.

_Oh, God, what did we do??_

_And I asked for it._

“Sore?” Maxence asks, obviously awake next to him and turning to his side to look at Axel.

There’s not any sign of mockery in his face.

Axel feels instantly relieved.

“That obvious?” Axel asks, scooting closer to Maxence, whining with every move, to hide his face against his warm naked chest.

“I’ll kiss it away” Maxence says, reaching his arm out to tuck it around Axel. And now Axel can hear the smile in his voice.

“You’ll do no such thing -” Axel replies quickly. “You’re going to keep your hands off of me or I won’t be able to walk for a week.”

Lying in bed together naked, body against naked body, the late morning sunlight gushes in through the window while Axel and Maxence huff with bright laughter.

Axel feels happy.

\---

\--

\---

“I find it seriously unfair that you wouldn’t join me in the shower” Maxence says, towel wrapped around his wet hair, stepping into the small kitchen butt naked.

“It would be impossible for you to keep your hands off my body” Axel replies, sending a smile to Maxence while sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of cereal.

It feels like they’ve always done this. Woken up together, taken showers and eating cereal at the same table in the mornings.

Axel’s heart is full and warm.

He looks up and meets Maxence’ eyes.

Maxence’ eyes are glimmering.

Axel knows exactly what he’s after.

“I still can’t keep my hands off you -” Maxence says, coming closer to the table while removing the towel from his hair and dropping it to the floor. “You’re too beautiful for that” he adds, sneaking up behind Axel’s chair, bending over just enough for Axel to feel his breath in his ear.

Axel can’t help but shiver.

It feels so good to be desired.

“Oh, you’re so slick” Axel says while putting down the spoon on the kitchen table and closing his eyes to let Maxence suck on his earlobe.

“I want to take care of you -” Maxence whispers in his ear. “I took care of you on the bathroom rug yesterday...today I want to suck you in the kitchen.”

All the blood in his body immediately pools in Axel’s crotch.

He loves it when Maxence talks like this. Tells him what he wants to do to him. Tells him that he wants to take care of him.

Because Axel knows it’s what he’ll do.

Axel reaches his arms up and pulls Maxence close enough to be able to attach their lips together, Maxence still standing bent behind him.

\---

He tastes so good. Maxence’ mouth, his lips, his tongue, the warm wetness.

Axel could kiss him forever.

Thinking exactly that, Axel looks up at Maxence, moves his chair out from under the table and pulls Maxence down so he ends up sitting on him, stomach to stomach.

Axel immediately feels the heavy weight of Maxence.

It’s so different from a girl in his lap.

And his body.

His naked erection lays against Axel’s stomach as Maxence bends forward just enough to kiss him.

Maxence is eager, wanting and horny. Axel can tell from the way he’s kissing him deep and then deeper, making Axel moan contently into his mouth.

“I am going to take off your clothes -” Maxence says and pulls Axel’s t-shirt over his head. “The things I want to do to you -” he adds, stopping for a moment, gazing into Axel’s eyes.

“The things I’m going to do to you.”

“Get up” he continues, while himself backing off Axel to stand up.

Axel’s heart is pounding in his chest when he gets up from the chair.

He’s already been without Maxence’ mouth for too long.

He wants it back.

On his mouth.

He wants it on his body.

Maxence just looks at him, standing face to face on the kitchen floor.

“Get your pants off” Maxence says, making it sound like an order.

And Axel drops his pants, realizing two separate things at the exact same moment.

He’s so fucking horny.

And he’s never felt so good being looked at by another.

Because Maxence eyes shines with desire.

They are filled with lust.

And gazing over Axel’s naked body, his pounding chest, his warm heart, his clenching stomach, his willing hard on and his thighs, all of it longing to be touched, Maxence, with his blue eyes, half open mouth and wet hair falling down his forehead, looks like he’s never seen anything more desirable in his life.

“You are so beautiful, Axel” Maxence says.

And Axel knows he truly means it.

As Maxence drops to his knees while looking up in Axel’s eyes, he takes Axel’s hard on in his mouth making him gasp and cling to the back of the chair that’s standing beside him.

And Axel thinks, Maxence loves him too.

\---

\--

\---

“This might not have been what I meant when I said we need to find some self control” Axel says, leaning on the kitchen counter, wiping cum from his stomach with a paper tissue.

Axel knows they need to talk now.

And it makes his heart pound in a totally different way than it just did.

Axel would not describe the feeling as particularly pleasant.

There’s so much to lose.

Maxence huffs a little, himself still standing by the chair, having another piece of paper tissue in his hand.

“Maybe not, but it works for me” Maxence says.

Axel stops and looks at Maxence.

_Really?_

“Does it?” Axel asks.

He must have sounded serious, because Maxence instantly straightens his posture up.

Axel gazes over his body, so close to his, and thinks about how it made him feel so much, so profound, just a minute ago.

His legs were trembling like crazy when he came, having let go of the chair since he was afraid to overturn it during his spasms, instead holding on to Maxence’ hair for dear life, screaming, roaring out loud in the kitchen.

He still can’t believe it was a man who made him feel like that.

A man whose penis he has tasted in his own mouth, enjoying it, loving it actually.

A man who’s now standing close to Axel, wiping his cum from his body or is it his own. It’s impossible to even tell.

“I wish there actually were parallel universes so we didn't have to choose” Maxence says slowly.

Axel can feel his heart drop. 

“You don’t want to choose?” he asks.

He can hear the worry in his own voice.

He instantly feels the pain.

The hurt.

The god damn disappointment.

Axel needs to know, so he asks:

“Are you not sure about this?”

Axel can feel the tears already burning in his eyes.

“I…” Maxence says, looking down at the floor.

“Are you going to Budapest?” Axel blurts out, voice louder now.

It sounds like an accusation.

“Eh…-” Maxence exhales.

He’s taking too damn long to answer, Axel thinks.

“Well, you haven’t broken up with Mae” Maxence says, narrow eyes suddenly staring at Axel.

Is Maxence angry now?

“Well, you haven’t either! - ” Axel almost screams. “And I shouldn’t need to tell you not to go traveling with your girlfriend” Axel adds, voice high pitched and loud.

“Actually, I’ve had enough of this!” Axel spits out.

He wants nothing to do with it any longer, not Budapest, not Maxence - nothing!

He’s so good damn angry he could just kick Maxence.

He rushes past him, picks up his clothes and leaves his apartment as soon as possible, the anger still rushing through his body as he gets to his scooter and drives home.

Just before putting the key in the lock of the door, he realizes it.

Maxence didn’t attempt to stop him.

It’s lost now.

He lost him.

And Axel swings the front door of his apartment open and drops to the floor.

He sits there for hours.

Crying. 


	54. Chapter 54

“Pffft -”.

Axel bends his head over the small screen of his phone, squinting his eyes while trying to understand where that strange sound is coming from.

“Pfft...pffffft....pfff.”

Is she actually farting in Maxence’ Instagram story?

Even this silliness makes Axel’s heart ache with sadness and crumpled longing.

Axel acutely wishes that it was him on that screen, not Maxence’ girlfriend.

Actually, the last week has been nothing but sharp agonizing pain, a constant stab right through Axel’s heart.

\---

Axel knows there are other people out there who don’t always get what they want.

People with broken hearts, or much worse.

But he just can’t do it. It seems impossible to learn how to cope.

And since Maxence didn’t answer the text he sent, where he tried to apologize for getting angry, for leaving like that, all Axel can do is to long for Maxence.

To regret his own anger when they were supposed to finally talk about what really matters.

It kills him what he said about wanting nothing to do with it any longer.

Because the reality is, all Axel ever wants is to have everything to do with it.

Everything with Maxence.

His soft mouth, his whirlwind of hair, his big blue eyes, his hard chest.

His kindness, his softness, the way he hugs him tight and takes care of him.

The world that exists only in Maxence’ eyes.

Instead it has all turned into some kind of act.

He’s not Lucas any longer. Axel knows that, looking into the mirror in the small bathroom of his cabin. But he’s certainly not Axel either.

He’s the empty shell of who Axel was.

A liquid hollow ghost, pretending to be him, acting as Axel, trying to show off the emotions that once were his.

He feels he is probably pretty good at it after years of hiding behind jokes and laughs. He still has it covered, knowing exactly what his audience needs from him to seem real.

But Axel’s heart is heavy as a giant rock, slowly pulling him down into the underground.

His body is feeling broken. Where his heart once was there is an empty void in his chest.

Axel doesn’t even know where his soul is, but it certainly left him.

\---

\--

\---

Axel’s working.

Sailing a beautiful luxurious white cruise ship in Greece for nine days, hired to do his show ‘Une Vie sur mesure’ a few times during the night, having every opportunity to lie in a lounge chair under the hot sun with the wealthy passengers during the day, drinking colorful drinks and bathing in the big pool, eating excellent cooking made by prize winning chefs, Axel knows he should be thriving, enjoying himself, being proud of himself and his accomplishments.

There are flashes of moments where he forgets himself, where he’s almost, but only almost back on solid ground, finding a thin glimpse of happiness.

Standing out on the immaculate deck in the gushing bright early April sunlight, one of these moments occur.

He feels at peace, just enough to recognize it.

Axel pulls up his phone out of his pocket and makes a short video of what he sees, or what he momentarily feels.

A bright blue almost still Mediterranian against the never ending horizon, no land in sight.

Axel ends the recording and posts it to Instagram.

It’s so strange to know that thousands and thousands of people will watch his Instastory and pretend to care.

Pretend to care.

Because none of them knows him.

The all consuming feeling of loneliness rolls back in over Axel like a quick thunderstorm.

He stuffs his phone in the pocket of his jeans almost forcibly, closes his eyes and inhales deeply one single time.

He can feel his insides tremble.

Axel walks back to his cabin and lies down on his back on the bed.

Constantly wanting to see a glimpse of Maxence, he once again takes a look at his Instagram profile.

Axel can hear Maxence’ rippling giggle from outside the frame of the picture.

He’s laughing at his girlfriend, sitting on some rough patio made of concrete, outside a cheap hotel somewhere in Budapest. She’s stuffing her fingers in a can of green slime over and over again, making it sound like she’s farting.

Axel would definitely choose a more comfortable hotel.

 _How childish_ , Axel thinks, listening to another “pfft” and another bright giggle. _So goddamn childish.  
_

He knows what this is.

He’s terribly, painfully jealous.

\---

\--

\---

Sitting at the big white piano at 2 AM in the morning, knowing there’s no use going to bed since he won’t be able to sleep anyway, Axel’s fingers glide over the black and white keys.

He knows this song by heart. He knows he will remember it for the rest of his life, every note, every tune.

‘I love you’ it says.

Axel’s co-worker records the short clip with his phone and Axel posts it to Instagram.

He hopes, he prays that Maxence will listen to it and understand - that it is meant for him.


	55. Chapter 55

‘Pas Peur’ it says, the tattoo that Axel can see on the screen of his phone. It means “not afraid” and it is what Lucas told Eliott under that dark bridge right before their very first kiss, while he was still terrified about his feelings towards him.

Axel can relate with Lucas. He’s terrified himself, of all the feelings he is experiencing. His feelings for Maxence, his feelings about being famous which is strangely conflicted as something he both desires and hates at the same time.

This particular fan has tatooed the words on her right forearm, proudly showing it off, having tagged Axel in her Instagram post.

And she’s not the only one. There’s a myriad of people out there, tattooing themselves, making drawings of Lucas and Eliott, or Axel and Maxence. Someone wrote a song and posted it online, making the fandom pretty much blow up with comments. And it seems like the need for piano lessons has exploded around the world since half of the youth population wants to learn how to play the song “I Love You”.

And the texts, the amount of fictional stories about Lucas and Eliott...tweaked ones based on the plot of the series.

The sex it contains.

Axel can’t stop himself from reading it all, it’s impossible not to be curious about what’s being said about him online. Sometimes what he reads makes him proud, reading how they love his acting abilities, his transformation into Lucas. Other times he gets angry, furious in fact.

Especially when they go after Mae. Mae who has done nothing wrong, who has been nothing but supportive. They call her a bitch, a rich kid. Tagging Axel when they are telling her they wish he would be together with Maxence instead of her makes him furious enough to consider going off all social media.

Maybe moving into the woods somewhere.

He doesn't like the ones defending Mae or himself any better. It’s all just too much.

It’s just so difficult. After all, he needs his fans, because without them he has no career.

So better get a grip and try finding some balance, some perspective in this.

The fandom is very young, he knows that, he thinks while scrolling the Internet for information about himself. And he tells himself he needs to remember that when he gets hurt.

And most of them are kind, heartfelt people who want nothing but good for him.

But what is this now? A story on Archive of Our Own about him and Maxence falling in love while shooting the series?

 _Holy fuck_ , he thinks while feeling his heart make a jump in his chest. Is it that obvious?

Well, let’s wait a bit with reading this one.

\---

\--

\---

Axel did receive a text from Maxence eventually. It took him a while, but suddenly, two days after the cruise while looking down at his phone - there it was.

_“The hardest test in life is having the patience to wait for the right moment.”_

That was it. No explanation.

Axel didn’t know what the fuck Maxence was trying to say.

He asked of course, but got no clarification, only a question; “how are you?”

And Axel didn’t know what to answer to that.

I think of you constantly? I crave your touch? I wake up at night crying for you?

So he simply told him about his work, about the rehearsals for his new one man play ‘1001 Vies des Urgences’, a play that came to life as one of Axel’s ideas after having read the book and crying his eyes out.

And that was it.

Back to the conversation that hides the truth.

\---

\--

\---

“Let’s give them what they want” Mae says, standing in the middle of the carpeted floor in the spacious hotel room.

This was not what Axel had expected.

For a couple of months now Axel has played hide and seek with poor Mae, being the biggest coward who ever existed (he is pretty sure of that).

He has withdrawn from her, pretending to be sick with some severe flu (for weeks), hardly having texted her while on the cruise, only meeting her in public places when he came back to Paris...

Yep, he’s a fraud, a failure, the worst boyfriend ever. He knows that.

And he’s ashamed, very much so, knowing she deserves better.

And he does too.

So when Mae suggested they should meet up at this nice hotel, eat some dinner together, stay the night and talk, Axel gave in.

“Of course” he said and “I’ll be there”.

And he was.

He is.

\---

“I’ve cried so much over you” Mae said, having sat down on the big bed in the hotel room.

This is the kind of place Axel would choose himself, not the rough hotel Maxence stayed at in Budapest.

They were sitting next to each other on the edge of the bed, both of them with one leg slumped up on the cover, to be able to look each other in the eyes.

Axel’s heart was pounding out of his chest. His eyes were already brimming with tears.

So this was actually happening now. After all their time together. After the laughs, the cries and the talks.

“I’m so sorry he said” voice sounding small and afraid.

He desperately tried not to cry, to hold back his tears. For the love of God, it’s not him that deserves the pity.

He was the goddamn mess up.

“I know...or I didn’t, but I…-” he was stammering, not finding his words, feeling panicked and so tired.

So tired of this game.

“I...it’s not an excuse, because there is none, all I can say is that you’re worth everything good that can ever happen to you. I’m...I’m...I have just been so confused, I didn’t know what to do” he rambled.

“I just couldn’t handle it” he added.

“So what is it that you’ve done exactly?” Mae asked, looking like she most definitely was requiring an honest answer.

“I…” Axel says. “I…”

“Are you in love with him?”

Axel’s heart stopped. _She knows_.

“Yes” Axel said, feeling his blood rush through his body.

And oh, God it felt good to say that. Even in this situation.

“Yes” he said again, as though to taste the confession.

“Did you sleep with him?” she asked, quieter now.

“Um, if you can call it that, yes.”

“Oh, I don’t even wanna know” Mae said, shaking her head, looking at the floor.

Axel could see she was fighting her tears. He would have liked to reach out and hug her so bad.

So bad.

But he didn’t.

Because he had no right to do that anymore.

And Mae got herself together and said:

“But you know what, Axel? I’m over this. I actually think I am. This is not what I want for myself either.”

She was silent for a moment, looking down at the cover and picking on some invisible thread.

Axel could see that she was angry.

“Okay, I’m angry as fuck -” she said, looking up again. “And you fucking deserve all my rage. I should kick your beautiful brilliant butt all the way to fucking Sweden.”

She almost smiled when she said it.

Axel didn’t.

“But the thing is, I know you, I know you are a good guy. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. That you didn’t mean to hurt me. Even though you fucking did you fuck.”

Axel fell into tears.

With his face in his hands the tears started falling down his face, Axel sobbing through it.

All the guilt came rushing over him like a freight train, all the tension, all the desperation, all the fear at the same time.

“I’m sorry -” he said, not being able to stop the tears from pouring down his cheeks or making the blubbering sound coming out of his mouth cease. “I’m so sorry”.

“I’m so goddamn sorry, Mae, I’ve been an ass -” he added between the crying. “I’ve hurt you. You did nothing to deserve this.”

“I didn’t -“ Mae said. “It’s your bad luck that you’re about to lose me, you know. And I can’t say I don’t enjoy seeing that you’re hurting too.”

“But -” she added. “Let’s give the fuckers who call me shit on the Internet something to think about.”

“What do you mean? -” Axel asked, feeling confused. “Or I know who you mean, but what…?” he added, tears actually stopping by sheer confusion.

“Just give me a moment and I’ll take a shower.”

\---

Looking at Mae with her wet hair coming out of the shower, he’s pretty sure he must be crazy giving this up.

Because she sure is beautiful, and she most definitely is kind.

And forgiving, if that’s what you can call this.

Axel knows she’s strong. That she does this for herself. To move on. To choose what’s best for her.

So he snaps a picture of her, leaning with one knee on the bed, the short black dress hardly covering her bum and that beautiful face surrounded by her damp hair.

She looks like they’ve just fucked.

And he posts it to Instagram, giving the fans some food, making the mean ones shut up. Or scream even louder, he’s not sure.

He would do anything for her.

And actually, considering Maxence posted another picture of himself earlier today, wearing that thick beige jacket that Eliott also wore, posing with his girlfriend at some event, holding her by the waist, it feels pretty good for Axel as well.

Almost like a small retaliation.

“Come on” Mae says. “Let’s go down to the restaurant to get some food, I’m starving.”

Axel knows, he did nothing to deserve this. 


	56. Chapter 56

Here is a treat for you, dear readers! Maxence’ perspective!

This companion fic takes place when Maxence Danet Fauvel and Rocco Fasano met up in February in Paris. The first two episodes of Skam France have just been aired and Maxence has some serious feelings for Axel since the shooting of Season 3, but has no clue how to handle this true love business or if his feelings are even reciprocated. As it happens, Maxence confides in Rocco, and Rocco, well, wanting to comfort him...stuff happens...

Follow the link [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967086/chapters/47267422) and read it.

Please, send me your kudos and comments, they mean so much to me!

 


	57. Chapter 57

So here it comes, the second and last chapter of my companion fic "Waiting for what is good".

This.is.porn.

The link is [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967086/chapters/47380954).

Enjoy!!


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend you to read my fic “Waiting for what is good”, that I linked to in chapter 56 and 57 before you go on to this chapter. That will provide you with Maxence’ perspective but also some understanding to what goes on at this time and further down the road in this fic.

Axel doesn’t understand it.

Thinking about it...they had such a great time during Maxence’ party a few weeks back.

The way he flirted with him.

The way he touched him.

...Oh, and it felt so good...Maxence’ fingers going in and out in the tiny bathroom…

How it made him pant and squirm and buck his hips against Maxence’ hand because he wanted more, not caring about the rest of the people outside the door...

...and Maxence’ mouth around his erection in his kitchen the following day...the sounds he was making...his eyes that gazed up into his own, filled to the brim with desire and lust and something like...

...love.

Axel could see it. He knew he could.

Then something went terribly, painfully wrong.

All Axel can remember is that he all of a sudden felt wildly nervous. His heart was pounding in his chest and his hands, from which he had just wiped off Maxence’ cum, feeling sticky with sweat.

And what came out of his mouth was something entirely different than what he had meant to say.

He had wanted to have an honest conversation. He wanted to tell Maxence that he loves him. And he hoped, he dreamed about Maxence wanting what he longed for.

A life together.

Figuring out the rest.

Instead, what he said was stupid. Questioning Maxence’ choice to go on a trip with his girlfriend, a girlfriend that Axel himself also had, making himself look like a goddamn fool.

And then, quickly gathering his clothes and leaving Maxence’ apartment.

Not a goodbye, not a look.

Just out the door. Away on his scooter.

It was stupid. Wreckless.

What Axel doesn’t understand is why Maxence didn’t follow him.

If what he saw in his eyes was real, why did he let him go?

And what the fuck did he mean when he finally sent him the text message “The hardest test in life is having the patience to wait for the right moment”?

\---

\--

\---

“I’m supposed to smile no matter if I’m comfortable or not -” Maxence says, staring at Axel through the screen on his phone, eyes wild and hair a mess. “I know I should be grateful to be standing on that stage in front of the audience, but it makes me terrified, enough to lose my fucking shit.”

It’s obvious that Axel isn’t the only one with anxiety.

Maxence looks thin through the screen. Hollow-eyed and fragile.

Axel thinks he must have lost some weight.

It’s visible even in the small frame which Axel is looking at sitting on his sofa in his living room, this day in May. 

They’ve finally started talking, after weeks of radio silence and then some texting, they’ve moved on to FaceTiming again.

And Axel does not want to fucking mess this up again, so he hardly dares to move.

He tiptoes around every important subject.

At this point Maxence doesn’t even know that it’s over with Mae.

“The thing is that being in the spotlight makes me so scared I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it as an actor -” Maxence adds, shaking his head and looking somewhere to his side.

“I can’t do it without you” he says in a faint voice.

Axel’s stomach tightens.

 _He needs me_ , he thinks.

Axel knows it’s true. Maxence does need him.

The last Skam France event Maxence went to, something Axel couldn’t attend because of work, Maxence had stepped up on that stage in front of the audience...looking like a wreck.

He was shaking, almost hovering over the stage, laughing nervously and stammering through what he said, mostly talking about how much he wished Axel would be there to help him.

When watching that video, Axel felt so bad for him he almost wanted to cover his own eyes with his hands, not being able to see it.

He also realized, Maxence has bigger issues with anxiety than Axel realized. It seemed like he was coping so far because he had been standing right beside him.

Without him, Maxence is lost.

A trembling, nervous mess.

And that scares Axel too.

“Do you think I’ll ever be able to get used to it?” Maxence asks, looking for Axel’s eyes through the screen, searching for comfort.

“I do believe we need to set boundaries -” Axel responds, not entirely sure that Maxence will ever fully learn to handle it.

“It’s not easy though” Axel adds. “I’ve walked away from fans on the street when they’ve gone too far. Once someone wanted an autograph when I was crying.”

“You were crying?” Maxence asks, sounding worried. 

“Yeah” Axel says in a short enough tone to make Maxence understand he doesn’t want to talk about it. This is really not the time to tell him about how he cried because Mae said everybody wants him to be with Maxence, not with her.

“Well, I did set some boundaries the other day” Maxence says, moving on with the conversation.

“Yeah?”

“I was being followed on the subway when I went home from that event” Maxence says into the screen. “Three asian girls for 10 stops...they filmed me the entire way and got off when I did -”

“It gave me the creeps...such anxiety. I got away from them by crossing between houses” he adds.

“I posted a short video about it on Instagram.”

“I saw that” Axel says, who’s been listening and nodding while Maxence was talking. “I’m just not sure they will leave you alone because you post videos like that -” he adds, feeling unsure if that’s the correct thing to say.

“I mean, they will be saved and shared for all eternity...and might even spur them on.”

Maxence goes quiet, seems to be thinking about what Axel said.

“What would you have done?” he finally asks.

“The other day I walked up to the girls that pretty much live outside my apartment” Axel says. “I’m not sure that helped either though...they pulled out their phones to film me before I chased them away -”.

“Maybe there’s not a right way to handle this” Maxence says, biting his lip.

”Maybe not -” Axel says. “I definitely do not like this part of the fame.”

\---

Axel picks his phone up from the coffee table again. He looks at it and starts typing. 

He couldn’t bring himself to tell him over FaceTime.

“I fucking miss you” Axel texts to Maxence.

That simple.

Because he fucking does.

“See you at the convention tomorrow” Maxence writes back.

Nothing more.

They haven’t met for weeks. 


	59. Chapter 59

It’s hiding in plain sight.

Already when going into this, Axel knows that’s what this day will mean.

Hiding in front of hundreds of people gathered at the Paris Marriott Rive Gauche Hotel to take part in the Skam Convention. Fans who have paid a lot of money, some of them hundreds of euros, to take pictures with the Skam cast, spend a short moment with them during a Meet & Greet, get their autographs and participate in a Q&A with the actors.

Axel knows the fans have chosen this themselves. That they willingly put their hard earned money on whatever the content this day could offer them. That most of them will enjoy meeting other fans with similar interests and they will return home with unforgettable memories.

He also feels the young fans should not have to pay for this. They owe them this day. And this is a rip off. Because of that, Axel has decided he is going to give them all he’s got.

Other than that, Axel is nervous as hell. For the day itself, standing in front of all these people, giving them value for their money.

It’s different than all the shows he’s ever done in the theater, or the roles he’s played on screen.

Because here there’s no manuscript.

It’s all up to him to provide the fans with enough content to make them feel they get what they came for.

And mostly, Axel is nervous to meet Maxence after weeks apart. After what they did…

...Maxence’s tongue licking into his mouth...

...his fingers in his butt in the bathroom…

...Maxence’ dark eyes gazing into his own when he sat on his knees on the floor...

Axel’s head spins just thinking about it, when standing outside the side entrance of the hotel, waiting for the rest of the cast to start the day.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

He can feel it himself.

He’s wound up.

Stoked.

And horny as fuck.

\---

Maxence is coming right at him through the crowd of people. Bouncing his way forward the way he does when he’s nervous.

He smiles so big his white teeth are showing, looking straight at him.

Maxence is tired, he can see that too, at the very first glance.

Thin and a bit hollow eyed in his black pants and black jacket. A bit under dressed.

He wraps himself over Axel’s body, his long arms over Axel’s shoulders.

“Hi” he whispers in his ear, meant for no one but Axel.

Axel shivers. The warmth of Maxence’ body pierces straight through their clothes and he can feel his breath in his ear.

Axel feels happy that he’s here.

It’s so nice...to be close even for just a second.

\---

Maxence’ body and touch is everywhere.

It’s constant and never ending.

And Axel can feel the slightest brush of skin against skin.

They’re hanging over each other while doing the photo shoots with fan after fan after fan.

There are built photo sets, several of them to make it possible to take a photo with your favorite actors, not just from Skam France, but also with actors from Skam Italy and not to forget the original Norwegian Skam actors.

They are supposed to circle between these photo sets, taking pictures with different actors and fans, but Axel and Maxence’ pull towards each other is so strong, they simply cannot detach.

And the photos they take, for each one it gets more over the top.

Axel is spontaneous. Crazy.

It’s photos standing on their heads, butts forward, dancing, biting each other.

Whatever they can think off.

It’s funny, of course. But also just a way to motivate them staying together.

They’re laughing like crazy. Axel is laughing, Maxence is laughing, the fans are laughing.

But sometimes, in the corner of his eye, Axel can see that it’s too much for Maxence.

That he thinks it’s awkward.

That he’s just mimicking Axel’s move to please him. That it gives him anxiety. Makes him tired. 

But Axel can no longer contain himself.

He’s everywhere and at the same time always close to Maxence.

Even his security guard is shaking his head, having difficulties keeping up the pace with Axel.

And they’re always, always touching, floating towards each other. Standing close together, holding hands, hugging each other for the photos.

Electric, buzzing touches.

Longing for more.

\---

“Maxe, Maxe, Maxe” Axel shouts out, waving his arm, standing up from his chair on the stage in front of the crowd, spurring the audience on to call Maxence in.

Maxence was gone for just a moment, doing a photoshoot with Rocco Fasano, the actor with the same role as Maxence in Skam Italia.

And Axel has never missed another human being so much in his entire life.

He felt like he was ripped off when Maxence was gone. Like he was missing a vital body part.

It seems as though he needs Maxence as the air he breathes to survive.

So, when Maxence stumbles onto the stage, 20 minutes after the Q&A started, Axel feels so happy that he’s here.

Axel had done his job of course. Answering the fans questions, being funny as always, making everybody laugh. Being the entertainer he was born to be.

But he missed Maxence through all of it.

And when Maxence, who finds no available chair to sit on, comes straight to Axel and slumps down onto the stage floor sitting in between his legs, Axel’s heart is so full he can’t help but stick his nose in his hair just to smell his scent and put his hands on top of his shoulders giving him a gentle massage.

“I missed you” Axel whispers in Maxence’ ear.

Because he did.

And when Maxence reaches up to grab his hand, holds it and then lays his head on Axel’s knee, Axel knows, he’s safe with Maxence. And Maxence is safe with him.

Axel wishes he would have kept his hand in his and his head on his knee forever.

He softly graces his hand over Maxence’ back.

Because Axel wants him to know.

\---

Sitting on the stage in front of the audience later in the day, Axel can feel Maxence’ presence, even when he’s sitting on the other end of the stage.

The Convention is a success. It’s a fact. And this day has been a blast.

Looking to his side, Axel can see Maxence.

And when Maxence instantly looks back, as though he was just waiting for the moment, he winks at him.

Straight over the stage, across the cast with hundreds of eyes looking from below, Maxence smiles and winks.

He winks like they have their own secrets.

Like they do this together.

And Axel’s heart is so full and warm.

It’s filled to the brim with Maxence.

If there was a single tiny bit of defense left in Axel’s heart, that’s when the wall fell.

It was the final push needed.

Axel’s heart is completely open.

So Axel smiles back at Maxence.

He couldn’t care less what the participants see or hear.

He's done with the hiding.

\---

Watching the Skam crew cheering and dancing on the stage to the blasting music, celebrating their success, the money they’ve raised for good causes today and the joy of this Convention, Axel suddenly gets an out of body experience.

The room is spinning, the crowd is disappearing. It’s like those videos where the background is on ultra high speed, just a blur and the only thing in full focus is in the middle.

Axel only sees Maxence, standing directly opposite him, jumping up and down to the music. 

Suddenly Maxence takes a step forward and pulls Axel in for a hug.

Axel breathes into it.

“It’s over with Mae” Axel says close to his ear as he pulls him back in to hold him close as Maxence tried to take a step back.

Maxence stops in his movements. He stands completely still.

And then he smiles. 

\---

\--

\---

“The best thing about Maxence is his bathroom rug” Axel says looking into the video camera.

He’s standing in the hallway of his apartment with a camera man and a camera pointing directly at his face.

The Skam France production has asked him to do this. They said Maxence answered the question yesterday at the Convention, but they couldn’t find Axel to do the same.

That doesn’t surprise Axel in the slightest. He was all over the place.

Running around like a goddamn bunny on speed.

“What’s the best thing about Maxence?” the camera man asked him.

The question took him by surprise. 

His response was meant as a joke, but he instantly knew that it fell flat.  

He wanted to answer what he truly felt.

“Everything, everything is the best with Maxence. I love everything about him. His smell, his touch, the taste of his skin, his heart, his kindness, the look in his eyes when he sucks my dick.”

He just couldn’t say that.

But he shouldn’t have answered “his bathroom rug” to that question either. 

It doesn’t matter if he has been fingered by Maxence on it.

It doesn’t matter that he loved it. 

***


	60. Chapter 60

There are defining moments in every person's life that changes its course. But most of the time it’s a series of events, boiled down and infiltrated in your life that makes a true impact.

While later looking back at the events that led up to the breaking point, Axel will remember several things.

\---

Mostly, Axel will remember the time they spent apart.

It hurts to be separated, when all you crave is to be close. And it’s even worse if you’re unsure if you’ll ever get to feel that touch again.

Spending time on tour with his play, gone for weeks, Axel’s heart aches for Maxence.

It seems like he can’t bear the heat of the coming summer. It’s hot outside, the sun is burning in the sky as Axel drags his full but poorly packed suitcase on wheels into another graffiti covered train station, from hotel to hotel between plays. He’s sweating, his heart is feeling as though it’s being squeezed by a big strong hand inside his chest.

If he had the choice, he would curl up on one of the nice hotel beds, lie there as a human ball in the air conditioned room and wait for better times.

Times with Maxence.

So secondly, what Axel will remember is sitting alone, moping, on the cover of his hotel bed and as he so often does (a bit masochistic), reading the fans writings about himself on Tumblr.

He has already read thousands of comments from the fans, pouring in through Instagram, Twitter and by mail, telling him they watched the Convention online and that his feelings for Maxence are okay.

There is no escape.

The pictures and videos from the Convention are everywhere.

In good quality and bad. In close up frames showing his every facial expression in detail.

And what Axel can see, is what everybody else sees.

It’s like their bodies are naturally gravitating towards each other.

Like he and Maxence are magnets, pulled together by the gravity of earth.

Always near, he watches himself lean on, rub, massage, hold hands with and hug Maxence.

But mostly he can see his own face. How it radiates happiness when Maxence is close. How relaxed he was.

Watching yet another video recorded by some fan at the Convention, Axel observes Maxence looking at him. Constant, and as though he is Maxence’ sun.

_And that fucking wink.  
_

It still makes his stomach clench.

\---

Axel gets up from the bed.

Standing barefoot on the carpeted floor in the hotel room, Axel decides he will at least FaceTime Maxence tonight.

They have only texted since the Convention, being busy with their acting projects. Axel knows Maxence is working hard.

But first he needs to get downtown to do a radio interview.

Tonight he’s supposed to walk up on that stage and perform. Being funny, connecting with the audience waiting for him at the sold out show.

And then there’s autographs with the fans. Some photos maybe.

He might stand on his head to please them while he’s at it.

\---

\--

\---

Axel knows it instantly when looking at Maxence’ sad eyes on the screen of his phone, attached to that beautiful face, now with a pitch black hairdo on top, dyed for his role in The House of Gaunt.

Something is wrong.

And he probably has something to do with it.

“Are you okay?” Axel asks carefully, trying not to overstep any boundaries by pure stupidity.

Maxence sighs and looks down.

No reply.

Axel can feel the heat rising in his own chest. It’s anxiety.

_What have I done now?_

“It’s fine -” Maxence says in a short enough tone to make it very obvious it is in fact not. “We’ve been shooting at an enormous castle all day” he adds, as if to smooth it over.

Axel can see that he’s tired.

“Yeah? -” Axel says, almost a question. “How does it feel to play the famous evil Voldemort, or is it Tom Riddle?”

Axel just wants to keep the conversation going.

“It was fine” Maxence says again.

Now it’s Axel’s turn to go silent.

 _Fuck it_ , he thinks. _Let’s get this sorted out.  
_

“You’ve said it’s fine twice in like two seconds, and I can hear it’s not” Axel says, almost feeling a bit brave. “What’s up, Maxe?”

Maxence seems to be chewing on his answer.

“I fucking hate my black hair” Maxence says, looking up on the screen to meet Axel’s eyes.

Maxence inhales.

“And you really couldn’t make up anything else to say, could you, than the best thing about me is my bathroom rug? -”

“You fucking hurt my feelings!”

Maxence' angry eyes are piercing through the screen. His mouth is a narrow line, lips pressed together.

And his voice was high and sharp.

Axel’s heart thuds in his chest.

_Fuck.  
_

Axel closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I’m so sorry -” Maxe, he says. “It was so stupid, meant as a joke” he continues.

It’s true. But still stupid.

“Well, it wasn’t funny” Maxence says, still looking angry.

“I know -” Axel says, trying to convince Maxence he knows he messed up, but not finding the right words.

“I’m really sorry.”

“You can’t keep running away like this” Maxence suddenly says, looking directly at him, serious. There’s no smile on his face.

He looks hollow eyed, pale under the black hair.

“What do you mean?” Axel asks, feeling confused. His heart is pounding behind his ribs now.

“Do me a favor and think about it. And get back to me when you’ve decided what you want” Maxence says, sounding calmer now.

He’s managed to hurt him again. It seems to be impossible to do anything right.

“Yes -” Axel says. “Yes, of course, I’ll do that.”

\---

Hanging up the phone Axel thinks what he said came out wrong.

Because he knows what he wants.

He wants Maxence.

What’s unclear to Axel is how to go about this. How to live with the consequences of his feelings.

Of the decision he knows he needs to make.

He needs to do it fast, he knows that.

Because right now, he’s hurting Maxence.

And he should have asked, he realizes this now...if Maxence is still together with his girlfriend.

It suddenly dawns on him...what if Maxence is just waiting for him?

Axel sits down on the bed, the phone still in his hand.

It’s another moment in the series of events that makes Axel head for the breaking point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is now in the 5TH PLACE of all fics in the Skam France fandom, looking at hits - all thanks to you readers!!
> 
> Thank you so much!!!


	61. Chapter 61

While standing in the hotel bathroom one early morning in late May, this time back in Lyon, Axel watches himself in the reflection of the mirror, gliding his index finger over his nose.

How strange it is that his nose is also Lucas’ nose. That it’s all the noses of his characters, both the one he’s been and the ones he’s going to be. 

For Axel, most of the time he can separate himself from his characters. He guesses it’s about the experience. 

But with Lucas, he couldn’t. He took a deep dive in Lucas. He became him.

In a way he still is him.  

Considering the effects Lucas brought into his life were so profound, he thinks he always will be.

\---

The next moment in the series of events that makes Axel head for the breaking point occurs at this very moment while gazing into the mirror, a realization that’s not about himself.

Looking back, Axel knows he noticed it before. It’s not a sudden transformation.

And it’s about more than the black hair, needed for his new role. Gradually Maxence has changed his style completely. 

The clean white t-shirts have been changed for multicolored shirts in every imaginable hideous pattern, poorly buttoned at the neck, hanging loose from his thin body.

Axel can see these shirts in every single picture Maxence posts of his daily life on Instagram, shot at different locations in Paris, mostly against some artsy background. That and his hairy ankles, always showing below his short black, puffy pants.

The second the thought hits Axel, he knows what Maxence is doing.

It’s not about getting back to himself after acting the role of Eliott. It’s about trying to shed him, Axel, off. 

It’s about leaving him behind, tucking the memories of him far away somewhere, to move on.

Axel is worried. 

\---

The last nine months have been a wild ride. 

It’s almost impossible to overlook everything that’s happened and what it has meant for Axel. 

Axel’s life is forever changed. 

He’s almost famous, has a great ongoing career and supporting fans. 

But mostly, it’s what’s inside that’s different.

He thinks of this, while walking downtown to get himself some lunch. That what he’s learned, he’s learned for a lifetime. 

How they fought for the love story of Lucas and Eliott. And by that, without realizing it, they fought for themselves. 

That every kiss, every touch, every interview they ever made on the topic of homosexuality was for them, as much as for the rest of the world. 

\---

Sitting at the cafe, stuffing another delicious piece of smoking hot lasagna into his mouth, Axel shakes his head and thinks about all the things he has yet to learn.  

That they both are still learning. 

Just the other day Maxence managed to make a mess, simply by not correcting a journalist who said Eliott is bisexual instead of pansexual. Maxence got shitstormed on social media because of it.

It all comes down to choosing your words with extreme care during interviews. But Axel also knows it’s painfully easy to lose the public’s liking. And that the fans can come and go in crowds. 

Axel thinks, he does need fans for his career and right now he has loads of them. He has rooms of fan mail as proof, so much it’s not fun any longer and he is seriously considering letting them know they shouldn’t give him any more stuff.

But it might not always be that way.

And he can not live his life only to please.

 _So_ , Axel thinks, sipping on his water, _who am I_ ? _Who do I choose to be?_

\---

And so it happens, just a little bit later, stomach filled with food, he can see it.

The black hair that descends in chunks onto the green grass.

 _No, no, no!_ is all Axel can think of, feeling a sudden burst of despair flitting through his chest when watching the live video of Maxence sitting out on the lawn with a towel around his neck, shaving off his beautiful wild hair. 

Axel is standing in the middle of the pavement in Lyon, on his way back to the hotel after lunch. Just wanting to check Maxence’ Instagram (again), this video turned up as a smack in the face. Axel just stopped right in his tracks. 

Axel gets it. Maxence hates his black hair.

But seriously, he could have bleached it. That’s what people do.

Axel’s heart is beating rapidly in his chest as he needs to move to the side of the pavement, not to be in the way of the crowd of tourists trying to get passed him. 

And suddenly Axel knows two things; 

Maxence has been waiting for Axel all along. 

Waiting for him to be sure. 

And, he’s losing him.

By shaving off his hair Maxence is shedding the last part, not only of Eliott, but also of him. 

\---

Axel is running.

His legs are moving fast through the beautiful streets of Lyon, as the hot sun is gushing on the blue sky. 

He thought there would be more time. 

They’re young. They’re free.

But as Axel saw that hair land on the green grass he realized, it hit him in his solar plexus; 

It’s not about that.

It’s about a choice. And about taking the leap while there’s opportunity. 

And Axel is sure now.

If he has to fight for his right to live his life the way he chooses to - so be it. 

If him being with a man affects his career - let’s find another agent. Let’s work even harder. 

If his friends and family are not accepting - give them some time and if it doesn’t work, move on with those who do. 

Mourn when he has to, accept what he can and enjoy the rest. 

He doesn’t want the simple life. 

Axel wants to live his life. 

There’s no room for doubt. 

He just needs to get to the hotel room to take care of this. 

\---

So, you see, there’s not really a lightning bolt or a lone epiphany. 

He doesn’t wake up in terror one night, all sweaty, panicking, knowing what he must do.

It’s a slow process of realization, with a final nudge that tips him over the edge to the breaking point. Events building on top of each other, going through life, learning about himself.

About who he is. About what he needs.

About what he wants.

And finding the courage to stand by his choices. 

\---

Sitting on his hotel bed, still sweaty and panting from the run, Axel looks down at the phone in his hand and takes a deep breath.

He feels strangely calm. 

Axel knows, that no matter how it goes with Maxence, this experience, meeting Maxence in October, all the events until now, the preparations, the shootings, all the emotions, the good and the bad, have made him who he is. 

And he’s a better person than he was because of it.

\---

He writes one single thing on the screen of the phone.

The only thing that matters.

“I want you.”

And then he presses send.

There’s not a single pinch of regret in his heart.


	62. Chapter 62

It’s not that Axel expected an answer right away after he sent the text message to Maxence. 

He knows what he wrote might come out of the blue to him. After months of going back and forth, after talking, not talking, kissing and not kissing, running away time and time again, it’s no wonder if an “I want you” shakes up some feelings.

Maybe a few questions. 

But silence.

Silence the rest of yesterday evening, while the long hours creeped forward, so slowly that Axel felt the next day would never come. 

Silence while the night wrapped Axel in darkness, where he laid restless, tossing and turning in the hotel bed. His mind had been constantly spinning.

Looking back to when they first met that day in October, outside the bar, Axel knows their chemistry was instant. More than that, the love was there from the very first sight. 

Axel didn’t know it at that point, but the warm growing fuzzy feeling in his chest, the deep connection that made him feel understood and seen and valued, was more than friendship from the start. 

And it happened exactly as Maxence once explained happens to him when he falls in love; at some point the connection turned into a constant urge for physical touch...and then a need to taste. 

A need so strong, so all consuming, that it’s been all Axel has been able to think about for months. To touch, to rub, to taste. To feel Maxence’ mouth and every single part of his body against his own. 

A desire so powerful to make Maxence’ his, Axel can not overlook it. 

\---

Waking up in his bed, Axel has barely gotten any sleep at all. And he knows Maxence has not reached out to him. 

Before going to bed he turned the volume on his phone up to maximum and checked that the notifications were on. 

Axel pretty much slept with his eyes open. He would not have missed it. 

And his heart is heavy.

Laying in the bed, Axel doesn’t understand how he’s supposed to get up from it. How can he with a thousand pounds on his chest, squishing his heart so hard it feels it might cease to function.

How can he, when he fears he has lost the love of his life.

Only by pure stupidity, by waiting too long. By being a coward. 

If he had any choice he would curl up into a human ball, cry and never leave the room. 

He is on the verge of doing just that, but then he realizes;

He was not supposed to do it like this. 

He can’t do it like this.

This is about Axel himself. With the lessons learned, he needs to take back the power of his own life. 

With or without Maxence.

So he takes a deep breath and tosses his legs over the edge of the bed, pulling himself up to sitting. 

 _Let’s do this_ , he thinks to himself.

He gets up.  

He gets dressed, washes his face and his teeth and goes down to the restaurant to eat breakfast.

And then Maxence does it. 

\---

It starts with a simple but powerful thing. 

You could say it rocks Axel’s world. 

It might be a silly choice of words, but that is what it feels like to him.

Because it gives him hope.

Mind tumbling, stomach aching, whirlwind kind of hope, that makes his blood freeze to ice or heat up his entire body, he’s not sure. 

It happens as he’s out walking in the morning sun by the Seine, trying to keep his mind off waiting for a response, but doing exactly that. 

It’s not even something addressed to him personally. It’s just that he can see by the increasing notifications on his phone that the Twitter hashtags with Maxence’ name (yes, he keeps track), increases in numbers.

It seems like Maxence’ girlfriend has unfriended Maxence on Instagram and the people on the Internet are talking about it as Maxence has broken up with her.

 _Because that must be the reason, right?_ Axel thinks, once again stopping in his tracks where he’s at, feeling a sudden need to lean against the stone wall by the Seine. 

Axel’s heart is thudding in his chest. 

_What else can this mean...than...that??_

_\---_

When a picture of a full moon against a dark sky with the text ‘going through a phase’ turns up on Maxence’ Instagram account, two things happens;

Axel, back at the hotel, eating lunch at the restaurant, almost chokes on his meatball. 

He also knows for sure. 

Something is most definitely up with Maxence.

But is it a good thing, considering the needs of Axel? 

Axel’s mind is spinning like a carousel at the amusement park. 

Oh, and it seems like Maxence is going on a train somewhere with a friend…

\---

The song Borderline with Tame Impala, posted on Maxence’ Insta story, squalls out of the speakers of Axel’s phone that’s in front of him laying on the hotel bed. 

_What the fuck does this mean??_

 

_‘Will I be known and loved?_

_Is there one that I trust?_

_Is there room, room for doubt?_

_As within, as without you_

 

_Will I be so in love?_

_Getting closer, close enough_

_Shout out to what is done?_

_R.I.P., here comes the sun_

 

_Here comes the sun’_

 

Does Maxence doubt his feelings for Axel? 

Is Axel his sun?

Axel turns up the volume even more. Not that it helps him to comprehend the goddamn meaning of this.  

It just makes the bad quality of sound even worse. 

\---

A picture of Maxence lying on the sidewalk next to the sea at the destination where the train took them. 

_That’s normal._

Axel takes another sip of his afternoon coffee. It’s like following some reality show, not sure if he might end up in one of the roles. 

\---

When the close up picture of a statue of a naked man holding another naked man in his arms turns up on the screen of Axel’s phone, his heart almost stops beating in his chest. 

Axel realizes he’s grinning big and bright at his phone. 

This is it. 

He’s the one held in Maxence’ arms. 

Axel starts crying with relief. With big tears running down his face, Axel smiles and lies down on the cover of the bed with the phone still in his hand. 

Now it’s up to him to show Maxence he can see him. 

That he can hear him.

That he wants him.

Axel has just a few minutes left before he needs to leave for the evening show, the last one in a long time. 

He calls one of his colleagues from the production and asks him to come to his room. 

Axel’s heart is pounding in his chest.

He knows exactly what to do.

\---

Some things in life just happens, singular events or stuff piles on top of each other and it ends up affecting our lives. 

Axel had no control in meeting Maxence for the very first time. He had just accepted the role in Skam France and so had Maxence. 

Neither did Axel mean to fall in love with Maxence. It was the birth of the circumstances. It happened. Maybe it was fate, or just the whim of the universe. 

On the other hand, some of the things we do are choices we make, consciously, but not always realizing what consequences will follow.

Axel made the conscious decision to hop on his scooter and drive to Maxence’ apartment late in the evening the day before the shootings started. He did it because he felt like he wanted too, he must, solve the growing tension between them. 

Axel’s decision led to talking in the kitchen and eventually sharing their very first kiss standing on Maxence’ living room floor, and them connecting in a way that would not have been possible without it. A connection that was profound, life changing and fundamental for their acting in the series and for the success it brought.

Sending the text message with “I want you” was another conscious choice Axel made. 

At this point in time Axel knows that his feelings are deep and true and long lasting. He knows what he wants and he is prepared to fight for it, just as he once was prepared to fight for Lucas’ story, because he believed in it. 

Axel also knows it will take more than a text message to show Maxence he is serious. More to set up the path to their future, together. To make him believe he doesn’t want the simple life, but him. 

\---

The black and white bedspread is bouncing up and down when Axel, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, is throwing himself at the bed, face down and arms to his sides. 

Axel’s colleague is holding a camera to film it.

Axel edits the short clip of himself and slows the speed down to a minimum, making him fly through the air and land on the bed in slow motion. 

He writes “making myself ready” and posts it to Instagram, for everyone to see. 

 _There_ , Axel thinks to himself. _That’s for you._  

Tonight, Axel is going home. 

He has made his choice.

And he knows Maxence has too.

Axel’s heart is overflowing with warmth.

If he could just be in Maxence’ arms already. 

\---

\--

\---

There’s a crowd of fans meeting Axel outside the theater after the show. 

He’s told the production staff to tell the teenagers and young adults that he won’t stay to chat, smile for photographs or to sign autographs today, because he needs to catch a train.

Looking at their eager expressions and waiting eyes, some of them already crying just by the sheer sight of him, it doesn’t seem that worked out very well.

And Axel can’t just go through the crowd, holding his head down, waving his hand and saying “not tonight”.

It’s just not who he is. 

So he stays to sign a few autographs. 

And just one more.

It’s not until a girl shows him a picture of Maxence with his buzzed head that Axel realizes he’s in a hurry now. 

“He looks absolutely beautiful -” Axel says to the girl still holding her phone in front of his face. 

Because it’s true. Axel would even go so far as to say Maxence looks like a young Bruce Willis. 

“But I’m afraid I must go now” he adds.

Because he must. 

\---

He can hear the horn blaring from the train.

He runs towards it on the concrete platform. 

Runs as fast as he can with the bag on wheels in one hand and the duffel bag in his other.

But it doesn’t matter. 

The doors are closed and he misses it.

The end of the train rolls past him, almost as if to spite him. 

 _Fuck._  

He’ll just have to wait for the night train.


	63. Chapter 63

Sitting on the seat in the train, waiting for the two hour ride to Paris to be over, Axel finally calms himself. 

He can physically feel his pulse slowing down. 

He has been feeling like in a state of frenzy the whole day, constantly checking his social media, nervously waiting for more updates from Maxence. 

Sitting in the train, looking out the window at the dark sky, Axel feels completely drained. 

Too much emotions. 

Too much stress. 

A crapload of anticipation. 

Axel longs for Maxence, a kind of longing he has never experienced before. 

Just a total need to be together as fast as humanly possible. 

Checking Maxence’ latest update on Instagram he realizes that missing the train didn’t make any difference. 

Maxence is still out with friends at the location where the train took him earlier this morning. Maxence stands behind a group of peers with a beer in his hand in the picture.

He doesn’t smile. 

Axel thinks Maxence looks like he wishes he was somewhere else. Maybe with him?

The pure thought of that makes Axel’s stomach turn and the beat of his heart instantly increases again.

\---

“I want to meet you” Axel writes on the screen of his phone. 

“I want to meet you too” Maxence responds after ten seconds. “Meet me at the train station tomorrow at 12.40.”

 _Yes,_ Axel thinks. _I’ll meet you. First we’re going to talk like normal people and then I’m going to fuck you._

Axel smiles to himself where he sits on the train.

In his mind he can already feel Maxence’ mouth on his.

\---

\--

\---

Axel strokes his moist palms against the rough fabric of his jeans. 

There’s a few minutes left until the train will be rolling in on the platform. The train with Maxence on it.

What do you feel when you are on your way to meet who you think is the love of your life, not knowing how the meeting will end? 

Well, Axel feels it all at the same time. 

 _It’s crazy how close the feelings of anticipation and fear are_ , he thinks. 

Because Axel feels like he’s going to throw up. 

The whole bus ride to the train station Axel has been breathing deeply to release the anxiety. It was so loud he could see one of the other passengers looking at him, probably wondering what he was doing, huffing and puffing in his seat. 

It didn’t help much. 

He’s still a bundle of nerves. 

The thing is, Axel knows this is it. If there is to be anything between him and Maxence, now is the time. 

Axel truly believes that Maxence wants him too. 

All the latest events and Maxence’ social media updates has sent him strong signals that that is the case. The fact that they’ve kissed numerous times, the way Maxence flirted with him that time he had a party in his apartment...the thing he did to Axel, touching him in his butt…

And thinking back on it, Axel knows Maxence once, a long time ago when they were sitting on the vinyl floor in the school where they were shooting the series, said something like he could break up with his girlfriend. 

But Maxence never did. 

And that’s what seems so strange to Axel. Why didn’t he, if he wants to be with him? And why did he take her to Budapest?

Considering this, Axel can’t be entirely sure this will have a happy ending for him. 

And that makes him terrified. 

\---

The train must have been filled to the brim, because people are pouring out of the sliding doors. 

It doesn’t matter though. The only one Axel can see is Maxence. 

Maxence, who steps out of the train, wearing a multicolor shirt and a backpack, turns his head from side to side until he spots Axel in the crowd. 

Axel who almost had forgotten about the lack of hair, not having met him since he shaved it off, can see the exact moment when Maxence sees him. 

Maxence’ face drops. His face is serious. 

Axel's legs start moving, setting off towards Maxence. 

\---

They meet half way in the middle of the platform. 

Axel dives into Maxence’ arms, face tucked against his neck, breathing in his smell.

Maxence holds him hard, presses their chests together, his breath tickling behind Axel’s ear.  

“You’re beautiful -” Axel says, brushing his hand over Maxence’ soft scalp. 

“You’re beautiful” he says again while taking a step back, because he wants him to know it. Because it’s what his heart is filled with. 

Maxence smiles and takes a breath. 

“I love you -” Maxence says. 

Axel can feel his heart beating and he knows he looks awkward with his mouth half open.

He blinks.

\---

“And I’m sorry” Maxence adds, eyes brimming with tears. 

“For what?” Axel asks, feeling confused. 

Axel raises his arm again, stroking his thumb over Maxence’ cheek bone. 

He wants to comfort him. Make him feel everything is okay. 

“For what?” Axel asks again, softly now, when Maxence doesn’t respond straight away. 

“For many things -” Maxence says quietly. “Come on, let’s go somewhere to talk.”

 _I love you too_ , Axel thinks to himself. 

But he says nothing.

\---

\--

\---

“I’ve been so stupid -” Maxence says, sitting on a bench not far from the train station, with a to go coffee in his hand. 

He looks straight at Axel, sitting next to him, to emphasize that he means what he’s saying. 

It’s raining a little bit and the sky is grey. Axel can see the small dots of water on his blue jeans. 

They could have chosen another place for this, but they wanted to be alone, outside. Free to talk, free to leave. 

“I should never have gone to Budapest -” Maxence continues, looking at the ground. “I hurt you, I know I did and I’m so sorry for that.”

“Why did you?” Axel asks, feeling like he really needs the answer. 

“Because I didn’t want to pressure you” Maxence responds, shaking his head. “I felt like you weren’t ready...and I didn’t want to force anything on you -”. 

“But it was stupid -” he continues. “I went too far. I was afraid you would leave if you felt that I had made the choice for you.”

Axel contemplates about what Maxence just said. 

“You’re right in a way, you know. For a long time I wasn’t ready. That’s why I kept running away -” Axel says, completely honest. 

“At that time I was...or at least I thought I was, but I didn’t want to ask you not to go with her” Axel says, suddenly feeling the tears burning in his eyes. 

“You shouldn’t need to ask that” Maxence says, looking very serious. 

Maxence quiets and seems to be thinking of what to say next, as Axel nods his head.

“But it’s over now” Maxence says, reaching his hand out to grab Axel’s in his.

Axel looks down at their joined hands. 

Maxence’ hand is soft and warm and Axel’s heart jolts with each stroke of Maxence’ thumb against his skin. 

They’re sitting so close. 

“I’m sorry too -” Axel says, suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. “I’m sorry for leaving, for not making up my mind -”

He inhales. 

“But I know what I want now. I won’t leave” he says, lifting his chin up to gaze into Maxence’ eyes. 

Axel can feel a shiver go through Maxence’ body and see his soft smile and kind eyes. 

“I want to kiss you so bad” Axel says almost in a whisper.

“Do it” Maxence says, squinting his eyes at Axel. 

Maxence suddenly looks almost dangerous where he’s sitting. 

And as their mouths clash and their tongues twirl together, they are holding each other tight sitting in the rain.

Axel’s body feels electric and his mind is finally free.

\---

\--

\---

“I love you -” Axel says, pressing Maxence against the wall in the hallway.

It took them two seconds from entering Axel’s apartment until he had Maxence pinned to the wall, his tongue in his mouth, bodies as close as they can get. 

Axel has longed for this, craved his smell and taste and touch. 

He roams his hand under Maxence’ shirt and listens to Maxence’ increasingly staggering gasps. 

Axel loves that sound.

Loves that he can turn Maxence on. 

His own t-shirt is already laying in a wrinkled pile on the floor, tugged off by Maxence. 

“I love you baby…...you’re beautiful and I’m never going to leave -” Axel says, trying to control his breathing enough to be able to speak while being washed over by the emotions rushing through him all at once. 

He detaches his lips from Maxence’ tilted neck and moves his hands to each side of Maxence’ cheeks to gaze into his eyes.

Axel can see the world in those blue eyes.

More than that, he can see his future. 

He knows it, for him, this is it.

Looking at Maxence, he is completely wrecked, eyes black and big, puffy lips and red cheeks, leaning against the wall as if he finds it difficult to hold himself up.

He can almost hear Maxence’ erratic heartbeat through his chest, mimicking his own. 

He wants to do it all with Maxence. Do all kinds of things to him. 

Axel inhales, trying to take it all in. That it’s possible now.

That Maxence is his.

“Can you please fuck me?” Axel pleads, biting his lip, wanting nothing else more than that.

“I love you too -” Maxence says shaking his head almost in disbelief.  “And I can -” he adds in a rough voice, already leaning in.  

“I mean, actually fuck me” Axel says, to make sure Maxence gets it.

“Oh, I’m going to fuck you -” Maxence says, turning them around so Axel ends up pressed with his back against the hard surface of the wall. 

He grabs Axel’s face with his big palms and lets his tongue lick Axel’s mouth open again. 

“I’ve wanted to do this for so long” he murmurs while pulling the fly of Axel’s jeans down.


	64. Chapter 64

It’s not like a Hollywood kiss, or like when Lucas and Eliott kissed in the rain in the forest.

It’s just them. Mouth on mouth, searching tongues that awakens a need for more.

They stumble their way from the hallway to Axel’s bedroom. Jeans halfway down, hopping their way forward, trying to pull them off while moving. Close, close, mouths connected between laughs.

They’re happy.

Hearts filled with relief.

\---

They’ve never kissed like this before. So soft and loving. There’s no rush, only them caressing each other, gazing into each others eyes.

Axel can feel Maxence’ fingertips gliding over the bumps of his ribs, slowly, gently as though Maxence is searching his way forward over his body.

What Axel experiences lying naked on the sheet nestled in Maxence’ arms, legs entangled, is deep closeness.

Axel can’t believe he can have this, that Maxence is here, next to him. That he can touch him, hold him, kiss him.

That Maxence enjoys it as much as he does.

Maxence’ skin is smooth and slightly tanned from being exposed to the spring sun. Axel slides his hands over the different colors of his skin; the abs on his darker chest and the much lighter skin on the butt that’s been covered by clothes.

Their breathing is calm.

“I love you” Axel says again, just because he can and because it feels so damn good to say it.

\---

Maxence smiles as he lets his eyes drift over Axel’s naked body.

He trails his fingers all the way from Axel’s jaw over his shoulder, throat and his chest, an invisible line down to the fine brown hair below his navel and right above his erection, where he stops.

Axel’s body responds instantly. His nipples harden and the breath catches in his throat, making his chest rise and fall. 

To be touched, looked at like this makes Axel feel beautiful, desired.

Axel would like to touch Maxence like this too. Make him turn on his stomach. Slide his fingers from his neck over the moles on his back, along the curve of the spine to the valley between his cheeks, spreading them apart with his hands, diving into the tight dampness in between them…

Hold the shape of his butt in his hands.

Make him feel wanted like this.

But it feels so good, Axel decides on laying still.

“You’re beautiful...and I want you -” Maxence says, and Axel can see how he licks his lips as though he can feel his taste.

“I want your mouth -” he continues, leaning in to kiss Axel, just a soft peck…”I want your ears -” he says, sucking on Axel’s earlobe and making him smile with the tickle.

“I want your neck...I want your stomach...I want… -” Maxence goes on softly as he scoots down on the bed, not releasing Axels eyes for a second. He draws his hands along Axel’s sides and hips, pressing small kisses with his warm mouth and tongue down Axel’s body.

Axel hums and squirms on the sheet as he reaches for Maxence and finds his soft buzzed scalp with his hand.

Maxence knows what he’s doing.

Axel can feel himself practically vibrating with desire.

“Uh” Axel breathes as Maxence slides his hand from his groin over his erection.

“Please, touch me” he adds, because that’s all he wants.

“Oh, I’m going to touch you -” Maxence responds, voice dark and hands trailing down Axel’s hairy legs to his calves, up his thighs and all the way to Axel’s groin again.

“But that’ll just have to wait -” he adds, staring directly at Axel’s twitching hard on.

Axel’s breath trembles. He knows exactly what’s coming as Maxence puts two fingers in his own mouth to wet them.

“Because I want to touch you here” Maxence says, as he pushes Axel’s feet up on the sheet and glides his spit covered fingers in between Axel’s thighs and over his rim.

“Oh, shit!” Axel blurts out, digging his heels in the sheet to buck his hips up, instantly wanting to meet Maxence’ fingers.

“Lube -” Axel almost shouts out, wanting more of this. “Lube -” he repeats. “In the top drawer”.

\---

“Please -” Axel pleads, with Maxence’ strong hands circling his aching hard on, not wanting to wait any longer.

Maxence doesn’t need to tell him he enjoys this too.

Axel can see it in his shining eyes staring over his body, where he lays on his back on the bed with a pillow tucked under his butt and feet pulled up to make it possible for Maxence to reach. 

“Yeah?” Maxence says with a small smile, before he puts his entire hand over Axel’s perineum and strokes his hand over the rim and his balls.

“Aaaah” Axel screams or wines, he’s not sure, all he knows is he can hear his own strange sounding voice as Maxence without further ado completely without resistance pushes his slick finger inside of Axel.

As Maxence starts to move his finger in and out of him it’s like an explosion of want and Axel can’t hold still, but lifts himself up with his heals and starts thrusting back and forth to meet his finger.

Axel sighs as he can feel the tingling sensation spread from his pelvis through his stomach and up the rest of his body.

“More?” Maxence asks, as Axel moans and curses with his eyes closed.

“More!” Axel shouts out, finding it difficult to breathe and angling his legs out to make enough room for Maxence.

“Look at me” Maxence says and what Axel sees he will remember for the rest of his life.

Maxence who sits on the wrinkled sheet in between his legs, eyes dark and cheeks red, the look in his eyes filled with fascination as his finger is going in and out of Axel.

He gazes into Axel’s eyes and before he says it, Axel knows what he’ll say.

“I love this -” Maxence says. “I love you.”

“I love you” he repeats, as he adds a second lube covered finger to the first and slowly presses them into Axel, who has never felt anything like it and screams into the room.

Two is harder. Tight muscles resist a little. But Maxence massages him gently, rubs him through it, waits while Axel closes his eyes, breathes, focuses on Maxence’ hand and lets his body open up.

It feels so good, that blunt feeling of being stretched and filled.

It’s like a wave of desire that washes over him, makes his body burn and his heart beat in his chest.

Axel wants more.

Maxence must have noticed already, because he leans forward and looks into Axel’s eyes and asks “three?”.

Axel, far gone, limp and needy, caught up in the purity of the sensation, only manages to whimper and nod as a response, clutching his hand to Maxence’ knee.

Maxence leans over and kisses Axel on the cheek before he sits up straight again to pour more lube on his wet fingers.

\---

The third finger is a stretch. It hurts when it goes in and as Maxence can see the pain rush over Axel’s face he slows down, strokes him over his belly and then his groin and says he can stop, that Axel can tell him to stop at anytime, that he wants to take care of him, that they can do other things.

But Axel, way beyond caring that it hurts a little, enjoying the strange new feeling of pleasure, opens his eyes and looks at Maxence and tells him to go on, that he loves it, that he loves him.

So Maxence does.

He works those three fingers in and out of Axel, faster and harder until Axel’s panting, loose and shivering. He’s squirming and squealing on the sheet and it’s wet and sticky everywhere from precum and lube and spit.

And when Axel, desperately wanting to feel Maxence’ cock inside of him, says “fuck me, please, please, fuck me” with a dry throat and desire flowing through his spine, Maxence looks at Axel with dark eyes, his chest quickly rising and falling and gets up on his knees, scoots forward on the bed and lines up, his hard leaking dick resting against Axel’s hole.

Axel sighs, waiting for Maxence to move.

\---

As Maxence leans in and presses inside, just a little bit at first, carefully, testing, Maxence moans loudly in the back of his throat. And as Axel feels the size of his blunt dick in the entrance of his ass, he grabs the sheet with his hands, tilts his head back on the pillow and bellows likes some kind of animal.

If three fingers was a challenge, the bluntness and thickness of Maxence’ cock feels like an impossibility to take. It’s bigger and harder than Axel could have imagined.

But it doesn’t matter to Axel. Nerves or pain, he trusts Maxence, and he wants this.

And as he’s laying on his back completely exposed, holding his legs up, Maxence stops his movement, shivering with restraint to stay still until Axel’s body adjusts and says:

“Relax...try to relax”, and Axel tries to do that.

And as Maxence says “breathe, Axel”, Axel breathes, clutching his hands to Maxence’ arms.

And just as Axel feels ready…Maxence carefully presses further inside him and Axel groans and pants with the strange sensation.

\---

When Maxence in one decisive movement pushes all the way in until he finally bottoms out, he lays himself on top of Axel, kissing him softly on the mouth, caressing his face.

It’s such a strange feeling to be stretched and filled like this. As Axel feels Maxence’ dick way up inside his body, he shudders and lets out small punched out sounds, louder and louder as Maxence moves his hips and starts fucking him in long slow strokes.

Axel had no idea that he could ever feel like this. He wasn’t even sure he would like it, but he does. He likes it so much it’s overwhelming. Loves the feeling, loves the connection of their joined bodies, hips grinding together, loves that he can turn Maxence on like this.

He loves it so much he starts to roll his own hips, pushing back into every thrust.

And as Maxence gets up to kneel between Axel’s legs again to quicken his movements and to make it possible to go even deeper, slamming into some spot that sends a bright shiver up his spine, Axel jolts and squeals and his thighs start shaking.

Axel hardly moves now. He let’s Maxence do it all, he just breathes and moans and accepts. He knows that whatever Maxence does it will be great.

Axel is so close, white-hot and twisting inside, his whole body is humming, electric, sparkling, breath coming in ragged gasps and as Maxence reaches for his furiously leaking and untouched dick and jerks it, Axel screams and bucks his hips up to rub it into Maxence’ hand.

It doesn’t take long before the heat pools in Axel’s crotch, spreading through his stomach and trembling thighs. As Maxence grips Axel’s hips and slams into him, Axel looks at the beauty of Maxence; his swollen red lips, half opened eyes, the redness on his cheeks and the sweat on his forehead and it fills him with such affection that it tips him over the edge.

As he loses control over his body, Axel can hear the sound of his own scream echoing in the room, his pulse pounding in his ears and seeing the bright light flare behind his closed eyes as his entire body twitches and ass clutches around Maxence’ dick. 

The cum pulses out as Maxence stares at him and fucks him through it, and it pools warm and wet on his stomach.  

And just a few moments later, breath strained as his chest is heaving, eyes closed, Maxence’ movements turn erratic, freezes and he comes, convulsing deep inside Axel with his mouth in a silent scream, before he slings forward and falls over him, heavy, sweaty and spent.

“Axel” he whispers. “Axel.”

\---

“Oh, my God -” Axel whispers into Maxence’ ear, still feeling the aftershock of the orgasm cursing through his body and hearing his own pulse in his ears. “Oh, my God.”

Maxence tucks his nose in the crook of Axel’s neck.

“Yeah” he whispers back.

Axel exhales slowly. Breathes, closes his eyes.

All he can feel is Maxence and his weight on top of him, his musky smell in his nose, the sweat that makes them stick together.

There’s nothing but them. 

\---

\--

\---

“I’m so happy that you’re here -” Axel whispers against Maxence’ lips, feeling his breath against his own as he is laying safe in his arms a moment later, his own leg over Maxence’ hip.

They’re warm and sticky with dried sweat, but neither of them makes a move to get up.

“I want you to stay” Axel says, gazing into Maxence’ blue eyes.

“I’m staying -” Maxence says with a bright smile holding nothing but honesty and affection. “I’ve never felt this way before” he adds, as he rubs his thumb behind Axel’s ear.

The sheer words make Axel’s stomach jolt with joy. 

He knows Maxence means what he says.

“I have never felt anything like this either -” Axel responds. “Ever.”

\---

Maxence wraps his long arms even harder around Axel, his hands moving gently over Axel’s neck and back as he kisses him, slowly. Deeply.

Kisses him, kisses him, as he holds him close.

Axel smiles into the kiss.

Axel can feel Maxence’ pulse in his chest. It’s steady, constant.

Axel knows he’s safe, he knows he’s loved.

Whatever the future holds it’ll all be okay.

Together with Maxence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the last chapter of the main story. Thank you so much for following my story this far! The fic is now in the 3RD PLACE of all fics in the Skam France fandom, looking at hits!!
> 
> There will be some totally domestic epilogue chapters, but with less regularity, so please subscribe to or bookmark my story to be sure not to miss it!


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